It's the week before the hometown dates of the most boring season of "The Bachelorette," and Des and "The Hoodied Five" travel to Madeira Island, off the coast of Portugal -- a "hidden pearl" in the Atlantic that appears to be overrun with cats.
The guys are all falling in love with Des, but she wants to make sure that whoever she brings home to her family has "po-tential."
Des calls upon her BFFs Catherine, Jackie and Lesley M from Sean's season to come to the island of Madeira to help her weed through the remaining five suitors. Catherine is as classy as ever and says that Des has "gone through a crazy freaking journey" and then asks which guy has the biggest package. (In case you were wondering the answer is Chris).
Chris Harrison must have had something more exciting to do like watch paint dry, and doesn't bother showing up to tell the guys that there will be three one-on-one dates and one two-on-one.
Brooks gets the first one-on-one date, which consists of driving up a mountain and into the clouds in a little wind-up toy car. Despite the fact that Des is a horrible driver and can't stay in one lane, the car doesn't go any faster than 18 mph and it was a miracle that Des didn't have to jump out and push the car up a hill while Brooks steered.
Brooks is feeling pensive and ponders the English language's lack of adjectives to describe the feelings between the works "like" and "love." Really Brooks -- you can't just say "I really like you?" They drive up to the top of the mountain, hold hands, use way too many "cloud 9" metaphors and Des admits that she is falling in love with Brooks.
Over dinner, Brooks tells Des that his last breakup was very hard on his family and cries at the thought of it. He is very protective of his family and can't bear to have them fall in love with another girl and then have the relationship fail. Poor Brooks' family. First the bad break-up with the ex, then they have to watch Brooks on TV wearing a striped cardigan over a denim shirt. Oh the horrors!
By the end of the night, Des finally comes up with some adjectives for falling in love -- first there is stepping, then there is skipping, then comes running and then there is the finish line of love. Des confesses she is running. Brooks is still skipping. Yikes! There will no declaration of love tonight on Brooks part, but there will be cheesy well-timed fireworks.
The random coffee table in the hallway bearing date cards is back again, and Chris gets the next one-on-one. He is so excited that he smells the card. For a minute I thought he was going to lick it.
As Chris and Des head out on their date, the remaining four guys watch and wave from the balcony. Drew says Chris is a lucky duck, confirming our suspicions all along that Drew is in fact gay. Not that there's anything wrong with it.
Chris and Des board a yacht, lather each other with sunscreen and admit that they are physically attracted to each other. They picnic in a meadow and Chris believes that this is a memory that only he and Des will share, thus proving that Chris has never watched an episode of" The Bachelor/Bachelorette."
After a conversation that feels a little too in the "friend zone," Chris comes up with a great idea -- he wants to write a poem, put it in a bottle and throw it into the ocean. If we are lucky, it will sink to the bottom along with this season's ratings.
Chris is falling for Des and wants to tell her that he loves her. At dinner, he starts to sweat and gets so nervous that his face contorts. Just when we are expecting him to look her in the eyes and drop the L word, he looks down and reads another efffing poem. The poem ends with Chris telling her that he loves her. Des says that it was beautiful and couldn't have been any better. Actually it was really lame and Chris needs to grow a pair and lay off the poetry.
Michael One on One
Michael gets the next one-on-one and gets to walk around town with Des, who for some reason is wearing a full length sweater with a hood. Michael thinks he is on a scavenger hunt for the perfect woman. He carries her purse.
After eating strange fruit and trying on jewelry, they sit by a waterfall and talk. God forbid Des should miss out on an opportunity to make out with someone after eating local produce, so they kiss for a little while. When they get bored with the kissing, they take toboggan ride down a steep hill. Michael declares "love is a wild ride."
At dinner, Michael decides he is going to put it all out there and tells Des that his dad left him and him mom raised him alone. He tells her a bunch of nonsense about himself and his desire to be a loving father and husband. He lays it on kind of thick, and is boring to boot.
Eventually, Michael opens up about how his last girlfriend cheated on him and that although it took a year to get over his heartbreak, he is finally ready to love again. Michael drones on and on about himself and it is clear to everyone except him that there is no chemistry between them. He should go back to the hotel and take his time packing so he is sure not to leave behind his beloved sky blue hoodie.
Drew and Zak Two on One
It's time for the dreaded two on one date, and Zak and Drew race go-karts around a track. As if the go-karts weren't bad enough, the remainder of the date consists of a picnic set up on the grass in the middle of the track, decorated with flower pots placed next to old tires.
Zak spends his one on one time with Des showing her drawings of their "journey" together. Drew spends his time lovingly (and sincerely) talking about his mentally handicapped sister. Drew and his perfectly styled hair gets the rose.
Chris Harrison finally makes his appearance and sits down with Des to catch up on her week. Des pretty much comes out and tells him that she loves Brooks. Does that mean the show is over and I can have my Monday nights back? No, because Des is going to keep Chris on the back burner, just in case Brooks never makes it over the finish line.
The rose ceremony is quick and painless -- as opposed to the past 7 weeks. Drew has a rose and will meet Des' family next week. The remaining roses go to Brooks, Chris and Zak.
Michael is heartbroken, but calls his mommy from the reject SUV. That has to be the lowest moment in a man's life -- just sayin'.
Next week: hometown dates with Chris' dad grabbing Des' ass and the return of Brother Nate!!