Welcome to Sunday night, rose lovers!
We are being treated to an extra-special two hours of "The Bachelorette" on a Sunday. Last week, Drunk Craig and Fireman Carl were sent home. I’m really going to miss Drunk Craig and hopes he finds his way back to the “Men Tell All” episode. Either that or a good rehab.
Andi is still looking for love and wants everyone to know that this is real to her. It’s really real and she adds a “y’all” for emphasis.
Already fed up with the hustle and bustle of Los Angeles, Andi and her suitors are hitting the road and heading a whopping hour-and-a-half north to Santa Barbara. Andi feels this change is going to make things more serious and romantic. And maybe real.
Upon hearing the news that they are going to Santa Barbara, the guys muster up phony applause.
The date card arrives and reads, “Nick -- Let’s Ride Off Into The Sunset.”
Nick arrives in Santa Barbara and starts his “normal” date with Andi. They go on a normal bike ride. Take a normal walk to the beach. They walk in the water. Normally. They have normal conversation. Andi is so excited to be normal and have a normal date, but those of us forced to watch are bored to death by all this "normal."
Back at the mansion, Andrew and Marcus are sitting outside shirtless, having an in-depth conversation about Nick and whether Nick is there for the right reasons. They give him a 50/50 chance of coming home with a rose. I bet it took a lot of brain power to come up with those odds.
Back on the normal/boring date, Andi and Nick pedal their bikes up Lizard's Mouth, park next to a rock and then hike to THE top. They have a picnic, watch the sunset and talk about feelings and emotions. The conversation is boring and I had to stop playing 2048 numerous times and focus on the Andi/Nick/Normal/Boring date.
Nick confesses that he feels like a 12-year-old boy with a crush. Andi thinks he is sweet, vulnerable, open and honest. I am impressed that they can hike with glasses of wine and not spill a drop. They reach the top and hold each other while the sun sets. Nick has bad hair.
After biking and hiking are over, it’s time for dinner at a courthouse in Santa Barbara, which symbolizes the career Andi has twice abandoned in her quest to find love. Nick is wearing some type of knock-off Members Only jacket. An original Members Only jacket is bad enough, but this thing is awful, with pockets on the shoulder and chest and an up-turned collar.
After getting over the horror of the jacket, Andi questions Nick about his past and asks “How are you single?” Nick digs deep and tells Andi that he had seven-and-a-half-year relationship that started when he was 18, then after that ended he met someone when he was 27 with whom he had an “immature relationship” and got engaged “for a minute.”
Then he mumbles something unintelligible. Nick talks fast and mumbles and I wasn’t able to make out most of what he said, despite rewinding the scene numerous times, jacking up the volume and squinting at the TV.
Andi must be able to make out what he is saying, because Nick gets the rose. Speaking of make out, after dinner they climb to the top of the clock tower and Nick sucks on her neck for a while until she turns around and they share their first kiss. Andi feels giddy and romantic and she says that Nick has potential. I guess Nick is what you call a “fixer-upper.”
Back in L.A., the Group Date Card arrives and invites Marquel (still in his beanie), Brian, Cody, Tasos, Brett, Unknown Ron, Opera Man Bradley, Josh, Eric, Andrew, Patrick and Marcus to “Let’s Start Things Off on the Right Note.”
The guys arrive at The Music Academy of the West and find Andi waiting for them, wearing a white tank and black leather shorts. Patrick breaks from the pack and runs to be the first to hug her. He is very proud of this accomplishment.
Everyone knows that the potential test for finding true love is the ability to sing with a Grammy winning group, and when the guys file into Hahn Hall they are greeting by Boyz II Men, who are now Boyz II Middle-Aged Men. Marquel squeals like a school girl and gushes about their “iconic” song “I’ll Make Love To You.” Brian recalls falling in love in 7th grade to their music, and Eric says, “I’m pretty sure I touched my first butt in 7th grade to 'I’ll Make Love To You.'” Sweet.
Speaking of “I’ll Make Love To You,” Andi tells the guys that this is the song that has been chosen for them to sing on their group date. Bradley is confident that he is in his element (he is Opera Man after all) and breaks into an opera version of the song. It’s awful.
The guys are broken into two rehearsal groups and guess what? They suck! Brian sounds like Peter Brady singing “When It’s Time To Change,” Cody can’t sing at all, Ron is tone deaf and Eric says Marcus sounds like a chicken being strangled. Eric was being kind. Andi can’t sing either but does get flirty with one of the Boyz.
Now for the big reveal: Andi and the guys will be performing at Boyz II Men’s concert in front of a live — but hopefully not paying — audience. Opera Man is pumped and reminds us once again that he is a singer and is in his element. The other guys are scared.
The guys take the stage dressed eiher in khaki jackets with skinny red ties or blue sweaters with backwards blue baseball caps. Opera Man takes the mic and starts what will go down in history as the worst-ever four-minute karaoke rendition of “Ill Make Love To You.” Bradley’s opera-style singing is annoying, Josh and Marcus forgot the words and Brian and Tasos are so bad that cats are standing on fences howling. Everyone else was just plain ol' crappy.
The audience looks pained and one girl actually puts her hands over ears during Opera Man’s solo.
Andi, on the other hand, is all smiles and couldn’t ask for anything more. Except maybe earplugs.
Nighttime Group Date
After that butchering of a great song is mercifully over and Boys II Men have fired their agent for booking them on this show, Andi and her tone-deaf guys head back to their Santa Barbara digs. Andi toasts the guys and says it was one of best days of her life. Which is so sad.
Andi takes Cody aside for some alone time because he is always cracking jokes and she wants to mess with him a little bit. She tells him that she doesn’t want to get involved in house drama because “I want you to feel like it’s y’all’s house ... but there has been some chatter about you having a girlfriend.”
Cody looks shocked and say he doesn’t understand because he’s been single for three-and-a-half years. Cody looks super-nervous until Andi leans in, laughs and says, “You have a girlfriend and she’s a stripper.” I must have missed the funny part of that prank. Does anyone want to let me in on what was so funny?
I guess I should hang out with more attorneys so I can work on my sense of humor. Cody, on the other hand, is thrilled about this little prank, because in his mind it meant that she was thinking of him. That’s so sad, Cody.
Eric is not feeling confident after the group date. He tells Andi he is worried that they are drifting apart and reminds her that they had a great time on the one-on-one date. Eric appears insecure and needy and Andi’s facial expressions do nothing to reassure him.
Back at the mansion, Pants Guy, Farmer Chris and Hair Gel Dylan are in the hot tub when the next date card arrives. Hair Gel Dylan wants to be chosen for the date so he can tell Andi about his troubled past. Unfortunately for Hair Gel Dylan, the date, titled “Love Is Timeless,” goes to Pants Guy. Maybe now we will find out what the heck a “pantsapreneur” is.
Back in far-away, exotic Santa Barbara, Marcus and Andi talk for a few seconds, then they kiss. Marcus is confident that he will get the group-date rose.
With Marcus’s dinner still fresh on her breath, Andi and Josh snuggle in front of the fire pit. Josh admits that he gets nervous around her and that he wants to kiss her every day. He leans in and kisses her with a lot of lip, a lot of tongue (which we get to see quite often) and a lot of noise. Thanks to the clarity and definition of HDTV, we have all now made-out with Josh. Josh is confident that he will get the group date rose.
At the end of the night, Andy says that they are all great and that “I enjoy so many parts of y’all,” but Josh and his rubbery lips get the group date rose.
The night ends with Andi and the guys singing "I’ll Make Love To You” for what will hopefully be the last time ever.
JJ The Pants Guy One-On-One
Instead of finding out what a “pantsapreneur” is, Andi uses her date with Pants Guy to see what it will be like to grow old together. You see, Andi’s parents have been married for 30 years and she too wants a relationship that will last forever. What better way to determine if you can live with someone “forever” than dressing up like an octogenarian?
With the help of two make-up artists and some gray wigs, Andi and Pants Guy are turned into the Crypt Keeper and Bad Grandpa, complete with wrinkles and liver spots. They change into some old people clothes and head to a park, where they pretend to be celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
At the park, Andi and Pants Guy walk hunched over like they have a load in their Depends and speak like they have emphysema. They ask unsuspecting park goers to take their picture (real Bad Grandpa would have copped a feel during the picture, just sayin’). Pants Guy laughs like an old person, reaches into his pockets and pulls out a Werther’s, the official candy of grandmas and old people everywhere.
They play football, spin on a tire-swing and kiss. They ride around the park on scooters and take a spin on the carousel. Andi thinks this is a great preview of what their lives could be like. Pants Guy tells the camera that he wishes this date could go on forever. Don’t worry, Pants Guy, it did.
This is by far the worst date in "Bachelor"/"Bachelorette" history. The only thing that could have redeemed this date would have been “old” Andi and Pants Guy in bed, with Pants Guy wearing nothing but a smile and holding a bottle of Viagra.
Night has fallen and it’s time to leave the future behind and focus on the present. Sitting down for dinner, Pants Guy thanks Andi for accepting his “quirky” self and talks about being a nerdy kid who was picked on so badly that his parents pulled him out of public school. He also talks about his fear of being alone. That, of course, was before he met Andi; now he feels comfortable and confident.
Pants Guy does a lot of talking about being “unique” and “individual” and “quirky,” which are qualities Andi admires so much that Pants Guy and his quirky pants get the rose.
Back in L.A., Unknown Ron is outside talking on the phone. He looks upset and shoos the cameras away. Moments later, Unknown Ron is upstairs packing. He comes down with his suitcase and tells the guys that a close friend passed away and he has to leave. He gives a few hugs, says goodbye to everyone, gets in a limo and drives away. Goodbye, Unknown Ron.
To add more sadness, Hair Gel Dylan opens up to Farmer Chris about wanting to share some things with Andi. Specifically, he wants to tell her about his sister dying from drugs and his brother who is now on a respirator and pronounced brain dead because of drugs. Dylan cries telling the story and is determined to tell Andi about his hardships.
Andi arrives at the cocktail party and says she feels badly for Ron because “I feel emotions for y’all.” She says Ron’s friend’s death shows how real the show is. She “chokes up,” but the real show must go on, so she toasts to a good night. For the record, Andi, death is real. This show is not.
Andi and Eric go off to talk, but just as Eric is telling her how thankful he is to have had so much alone time with her on their first date, a delivery man shows up with a huge vase filled with flowers. How the delivery guy got past the catering table and two security guards I will never know.
Andi opens the card and is unable to hide her emotions when she reads a long love note from Nick. Eric leaves Andi alone with her card, flowers and dreamy girl grin, walks out of the room and says “I got (bleeped) by a bouquet of flowers.”
Andi has forgotten all about Eric and finds Nick to thank him for the flowers. Nick says that, despite his incredible doubts about this process, he has genuine real feelings for Andi. Andi says she feels so lucky. I don’t get what she sees in Nick.
Eric may have gotten screwed by a bouquet of flowers, but Andrew is about to get (bleeped) by Pants Guy and Josh. Pants Guy, who is wearing a pair of pants that are a cross between snake skin and tree bark, really wants to get something off his chest. He pulls Josh aside and tells him that Andrew got a waitress’s phone number when they were all out to dinner a few weeks earlier. To make things worse, Andrew then bragged to the other guys about getting the phone number.
Oh the horror! Don’t worry, Andi, The Hardy Boys are on the case!
Pants Guy takes Andrew outside and has his new bodyguard, Josh, lecture Andrew on disrespect and how all the other guys are there for the right reason. Andrew listens, thinks for a moment, then gives Pants Guy and Josh a big F.U. by saying “I’m not engaging in this” and walks away.
Andrew is a smug creeper and a total douche. Pants Guy, Josh and the camera crew won’t let it go, so they follow Andrew through the mansion and up the stairs. Pants Guy whines at him the entire time, “Are you seriously doing this. Like seriously, Like really, really.”
Andrew finally slams the door in Pants Guy’s face and now we understand why Pants Guy couldn’t make it in public school.
Josh and Pants Guy fill Hair Gel Dylan in on the drama. Meanwhile, Marcus takes this opportunity to take Andi into a far-off corner and make out with her some more.
Andrew says The Hardy Boys are engaging in warfare because they see him as a threat. But Andrew believes he is a good guy, and despite being the “real victim,” he’s going to give even the “nerdy” guy and the “a--hole” the benefit of the doubt. Gee Andrew, thanks for being such a nice guy.
Andrew then lies his ass off and says that the waitress handed him her phone number and what was he supposed to do? Pants Guy and Nick, who were both in the van on the way home, call Andrew on it, but Andrew is sticking to his story. Andrew is mad because he thought they were “all in this together,” and is sad to discover this is a straight-up competitive competition. What does he think this is, "High School Musical?"
Josh says had he known about “Waitressgate” earlier, he would have confronted Andrew immediately, because he is “a grown-ass man.” Thanks for being on the case, Frank Hardy. Who cares that Andrew got the waitress’s number and why are Pants Guy and Josh acting like such little bitches about it?
Andrew eventually tires of the grilling and says he’s not going to sink to their level, not going to throw punches and not going to engage them because they aren’t worth it. He calls Pants Guy, Josh and Nick low-lifes. As opposed to admitting he is a liar. When called out, deflect.
Patrick wipes the sweat off his forehead and worries that Andrew is going to be sent home.
Nick, Josh and JJ Pants Guy have roses. Unknown Ron has gone home.
Roses go to Marcus, Brian, Marquel, Tasos, Cody, Patrick, Farmer Chris with no upper lip, Eric, Hair Gel Dylan and Andrew.
Going home? Bradley and Brett.
Brett says he was shy and nervous and should have done more. Bradley, on the other hand, has a meltdown in the driveway, complete with tears and sobbing. I was waiting for him to break into an operatic version of “All By Myself.” Goodbye, Opera Man.
See you tomorrow, when Andi cries and storms off.