This episode begins with Emily meeting for “girl talk” with her best “gal pals.” She mentions that all her friends are the mothers of her daughter’s playmates. Can’t Emily form meaning relationships by herself?
While she hangs out at the park these friends that are twice her age, the guys indulge in a pool party reminiscent of a Schmitts Gay commercial. Only two of the 19 bachelors have chest hair!
Ryan Gets the First Date Card
Sarah: Ryan “Fluff Head” spent a lot of time getting ready for the date—except he forgot to comb his hair. Rather than jumping out of a helicopter, they made cookies at her house for her daughter’s soccer team. At least she took him to a nice dinner afterwards. They discussed every awkward topic possible and ran through the list of things-not-to-bring-up-on-a-first date. She said he’s almost “too perfect, like Brad”—whoa, whoa, wait. Brad is dumber than box of bologna.
Chris: Why does this guy always look like he just woke up from a nap on the couch? Emily’s looks trump all the stupid things she says. Charlotte must be a pretty boring town if hundreds of people would sacrifice their Saturday night to gawk at non-celebrities on a date. What is more pathetic: watching two people slow dance on an elevated stage or being in a band that appears on “The Bachelorette?”
The Muppets Join Group Date
Sarah: Alejandro, Nate, Alessandro, Aaron, Tony, Jef, Chris, Stevie, Kalon, Charlie, John, Kyle and Michael join Emily and the real Kermit, Ms. Piggy and Fozzy Bear in a variety show to benefit the local children’s hospital. Though the guys were all terrible and not funny, The Muppets made the date enjoyable to watch. Charlie (“Meat Face”) had some issues and confessed to Emily that he wasn’t ready to perform. (Side note: he was in a coma after a bad fall and now has a speech impediment.) Though he is on national TV…
Chris: In “The Good Son” fashion, I would let go of Stevie (“Jersey Shore”) and save Kalon (“Helicopter Guy.”) It’s good to see the guys finally getting confrontational instead being passive aggressive. Congrats to Jef (“Jerry Lee Lewis”) for receiving the rose on the group date. I hear he receives the second “f” in his name once he hits puberty.
West Virginia Road Trip
Sarah: Emily takes Joe (“Balding Dawson”) on a private plane to White Sulpher Springs, West Virginia. They hang out at the Greenbrier, a swanky historic resort with horrendous décor. After dinner, Emily breaks down in tears and dumps him. She said it was because she couldn’t see where she fits into his life, but I think she meant to say it’s because he looks old enough to be her dad.
Chris: I didn’t realize that West Virginia had first-world facilities. Emily needs to toughen up; she’s got a lot more guys to dump.
The Rose Ceremony
Sarah: Everyone hates on Kalon because he wears nice suits and has a good vocabulary. They should stop bitching and start taking notes!
Chris: When you wear non-prescription glasses, Aaron, you deserve to be kicked off the Bachelorette, and kicked in the groin.
The Remaining Men
Arie, 30 “Speed Racer”
Charlie, 32 “Meat Face”
Chris, 25 “Bobble Head”
Doug, 33 “Single Dad Doug”
Jef, 27 “Jerry Lee Lewis”
Kalon, 27 “Helicopter Guy”
Nate, 25 “Axe Body Spray”
Ryan, 31 “Fluff Head”
Stevie, 26 “Jersey Shore”
Tony, 30 “Woody”
Travis, 30 “Ostrich Egg”
It’s not a good sign that we still don’t know anything about these guys: