After last night's reunion, Tierra (and her eyebrow) need to hire a publicist.
Sarah may need therapy and our dear little Ashlee may very well be a big fat liar -- we learned all this in the first five minutes of "The Bachelor Women Tell All" or #WTA as it was affectionately known.
Most were certain that Tierra would play a starring role in the reunion, but I never would have guessed the show would dedicate the first full hour to her.
First, each of the women got to spend as much time as they needed to tell they very own personal Tierra-able tales and boy, did they take full advantage of this segment. We didn't learn anything new, just got to relive over and over each Tierra episode.
In true Hollywood form, Tierra got to make a grand entrance and was given a full segment to allow America to hate her more. Clearly suffering from a bout of amnesia, Tierra couldn't remember ever saying anything "mean" about any of the ladies. She stood her ground about being on the show as a competitor for love and not on a journey to make best friends with any of the ladies.
Tierra's eyebrow was even talked about and defended as was the Tierra "sparkle."
Tierra got the final word, though, in the form of a ridiculously large rock on her left hand. Yep, folks, it's true -- some dude has popped the question and Tierra is engaged. Take that, ladies 1-23. Tierra's got a man!
Our poor little one-armed Sarah. Just when we thought we'd never cry again, we're shown Sarah's super sad dismissal and she gets to tell us how she felt. Blindsided, still in love, wondering was it because she only has one arm and how she didn't understand how or why she was sent home.
Clearly Sarah has never seen the show, which goes something like this: Cute dude gets to pick from 26 hot chicks, one by one a hot chick is sent home and unless you are his final choice, you are one of the hot chicks sent home.
Sarah, you're beautiful, smart and funny, just like the rest of them. You too go home if you're not his final choice. Let it be known that I am calling it right here, right now: Sarah will be the next Bachelorette. Let's find her true love, America!
Des gets her moment to say again that her leaving was the biggest mistake "ever" and has her hometown visit with her brother ("Mr. Sunshine") dubbed the worst hometown visit in "The Bachelor" history.
Wearing the crown of the sorest loser in the world, Ashlee speaks her piece. She too, blindsided and totally shocked as most of us were when she was sent home. However instead of defended the "true love" she proclaimed week after week, she instead told us that she felt that Sean was not the stand-up guy that she once believed. She now thinks he was more like a "frat boy." The cougar shows her spots! (Cougars do have spots, right?)
To make things worse, when given the chance to get the answers needed for closure, she instead attempts to throw Sean under the bus and flat out swear that when alone in the fantasy suite Sean told her that she was the one and that he had no feelings at all for the other two.
Sean adamantly lets us know that he said no such thing, Ashlee says "you did" he says "I didn't." Ashlee says "you did, Sean" and Sean again says "I didn't, Ashlee."
I want off of this merry go round.
Even during the commercial break, we are shown Ashlee still insisting that Sean said he had no feelings for Lindsay and Catherine. Did Sean say that? In the fantasy suite? On an overnight visit?
Perhaps he did, Ashlee, which would make that comment this little thing we call "pillow talk." Besides, what kind of stand up chick are you? Wouldn't you think that revealing such info would hurt your two besties? Mean girl.
After a few blooper reels. We are reminded that we're down to the final two, Lindsay and Catherine. Who wrote the letter? We won't know until next week's DRAMATIC (Chris' most overused word of the night) two-hour finale. Someone gets a ring -- a ring smaller than Tierra's I might add.Copyright © 2014, The Baltimore Sun