Rose lovers, I come to you with good news: The season is over and we never have to see El Bachelor Juan Pablo again.
Things certainly have changed since “Juanuary” when we were so excited to join Juan Pablo on his “adventura.” What we didn’t know was that “adventura” meant “journey taken by a rude, arrogant, egotistical, racist, cocky, douchebag, lying, hypocritical, self-centered, offensive jerk."
Before we return to St. Lucia and bring this train wreck to a close, Chris Harris reminds us that this has been one of “the most dramatic and surprising finales” in "Bachelor" history. Chris admits that Juan Pablo has been the most controversial Bachelor and questions whether Juan Pablo was ever really there to find love at all. You know things are bad when Chris Harrison is disgusted.
Juan Pablo’s family arrives in St. Lucia and by family, I mean his entire family. He brought his Mom Nelly, Dad Saul, Sister, Niece, Brother Rodrigo, Cousin “Braces” Rodolfo and, of course, Camilla. Looks like the Galavis family can’t pass up a free trip.
Juan Pablo looks into the ocean and says, “Aye aye aye, St. Lucia, so pretty. The ocean is so blue it’s just perfect.” He has such a way with words.
Clare arrives at Juan Pablo’s hotel via the airport van, carrying an unruly bunch of flowers. She “couldn’t be more thrilled” because she “loves, loves, loves family.” As long as its not her own.
On cue, Camilla runs in and Clare shows that she will be a great stepmom by playing a hand-slapping game and noticing that Camilla has her ears pierced. Camilla is not impressed and gives her a look of “back off Stepmom Barbie” as she climbs in Juan Pablo’s lap and claims her territory.
In her annoying way of repeating everything, Clare says she “can’t wait to be a mom, can’t wait, can’t wait, can’t wait.” The rest of us can’t wait to be rid of Juan Pablo, can’t wait, can’t wait, can’t wait.
Clare sits with Mom Nelly and tells her she is in love with Juan Pablo. Mom Nelly’s face registers zero emotion. Clare asks Mom Nelly, “Is there anything I need to know about him that he hasn’t told me?” Instead of screaming at the top of her lungs ”GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN” she responds, “he’s super hyperactive” and “sometimes he’s very rude.” Clare admits to Mom Nelly that she knows that he can be rude and that he made her cry once. Mom Nelly confesses that Juan Pablo has made her cry, too. That Juan Pablo is some kind of guy.
Mom Nelly is appalled and it almost looks like she is trying to signal Clare with her eyes, which are saying “RUN CLARE, RUN.” Clare apparently likes a man who makes his mama cry and despite Mom Nelly’s attempts to warn Clare by writing across the bathroom mirror in red lipstick “SAVE YOURSELF CLARE,” Clare declares “I adore him.”
Things get even better when Cousin Braces tells Clare that when things get rough in a relationship, Juan Pablo walks away. Clare is unfazed and thinks getting a proposal would be the best thing in her life. Cousin Braces tells Juan Pablo that Clare is practically “begging for it” and Juan Pablo feigns interest in getting engaged. Dad Saul tells Clare that she is a nice, mature girl and that even if she doesn’t get the rose, she will always be on his mind. Awwww. Brother Rodrigo says, “Well she was nice but bring on the next girl.” Juan Pablo sends Clare away in the airport van.
As if we didn’t hear him the first time, Juan Pablo repeats “Aye aye aye, St. Lucia is gorgeous.” He is so deep. Nikki also arrives via the airport van with the same unruly bunch of flowers. She is wearing a halter dress that shows off her large tattoo and immediately complains to Juan Pablo’s family that it’s very hot in St. Lucia.
After briefly recapping their Make-out Around the World Tour, Nikki sits with Dad Saul, who asks, “How do you feel when you think about Juan Pablo being a single father?” Nikki replies, “I think Camilla has made him what he is today.” Which according to the look on Dad Saul’s face would be “a big ass.” Then Dad Saul adds, “He’s not an easy guy ... it’s always what he wants” and pretty much calls Juan Pablo a big know it all. Nikki says no problem, “I’m ready for it.” Or in Juan Pabloese, “Ees OK.”
Not so fast Nikki; it’s time to talk to Mom Nelly. Nikki tells Mom Nelly “you have a great son” and Mom Nelly does her best to keep a straight face. Mom Nelly asks Nikki to describe her ideal weekend with Juan Pablo, and Nikki describes a loving family, splashing in the pool, running on the beach and having Family Fun Night at home. Mom Nelly stifles a laugh and says uh no, you will bring him breakfast and then he will sit and watch TV all day while Camilla runs around the house.
Whoa Nelly! What are you saying? Mom Nelly says Juan Pablo is “simple” and asks Nikki “Are you sure” he is the kind of guy you want. Nikki says, “Yes, of course” and Mom Nelly asks again “You’re sure?” Nikki, does someone need to hit you over the head with a baseball bat or what?
Cousin Braces then talks to Nikki and asks, “By the way, how much fighting can you take?” What kind of question is that? Cousin Braces then adds, “Juan Pablo likes to walk away when things get rough.”
Seriously, how much more can these people warn these girls about the horror that is Juan Pablo. Even a plane with a sign that reads “Dear Clare and Nikki: Juan Pablo Is An Ass, Save Yourselves, Love, Juan Pablo’s Family” wouldn’t be enough to scare these girls. In fact, Nikki disregards Juan Pablo’s family’s warnings because “I know him on a different level than they do.” You keep telling yourself that, Nikki.
Juan Pablo sends her back to her hotel via the airport van but tells her he is so happy that she “signed up for this.” As she drives away Juan Pablo ponders his feelings about Nikki and Clare and asks “Can I keep both” which we all know is the foundation upon which solid marriages are made.
Nothing says quality time like a helicopter ride, and Juan Pablo and Clare have their Last Chance Date flying over St. Lucia wearing headphones and not speaking to each other. When they land and do have a rare moment alone without cameras and audio, Clare tells us that Juan Pablo leaned over and whispered something in her ear, but not the words she was hoping to hear.
“What I thought were going to be sweet kind loving words [were] not what came out of his mouth, and I’m shocked.” “He chose to tell me something that no woman wants to hear." (I’m thinking either "You have fat thighs’ or "You have a big ass.")
Clare divulges that Juan Pablo said, “He doesn’t know me. It was was insulting; it was offensive. It made me feel awful.” She added, “Maybe he’s not the man I thought he was.” Ya think? Did you forget what he did to you after Vietnam? Did you not listen to his family? I am now screaming at my TV and looking for something to throw.
Does Clare hop back on the helicopter and leave Juan Pablo in St. Lucia? No. She goes on the date and does who knows what else with him (or to him). SMH.
Later that night, Clare decides she is going to confront him with what he said to her in the helicopter. Although she won’t repeat exactly what he said to her, she does say that it was something about how he “loved hooking up with her,” just not in those words. He used words she couldn’t repeat. Maybe he said “I like ducking with you” and was referring to avoiding the helicopter blades. Perhaps this is all just a big misunderstanding. Somehow, I doubt it.
She invites him in and he asks for a besito. She doesn’t give him one. Instead, she tries to get him to repeat what he said in the helicopter. He ain’t biting and says, “Tell me. Remind me.” When she reminds him, he tells her that she “got him wrong.” (Must be that pesky “English is my second language” thing again). He says what he meant was that they don’t know each other very well.
Clare keeps talking and Juan Pablo looks drunk, bored and annoyed. After some inane babbling about who knows what, he finally turns to her and tells her “Don’t blame it on me ... you were the one who broke your no-kissing rule in Vietnam.” He taps her on the chin for full effect and once again Clare has been slut-shamed. Her response? She lets him snuggle in closer and believes him when he says “Can I see myself with you? Sure. I like many things about you ... it’s not just physical attraction.” Someone please get Clare a shovel.
Juan Pablo snuggles in next to her and reassures Clare that he really likes her by reminding her “who met my daughter, who met my mom.” Um, Clare and Nikki did because IT’S PART OF THE SHOW, YOU MORON!
Just when you think Clare has lost her mind, Juan Pablo adds the cherry on top by saying, “You are so special to me. I know we are going to have a baby in like a year and two months. I know it. I feel great, honestly.” That was all she needed to hear, and Clare is convinced that there is a lot more between them than just physical attraction. She is very happy. It was so sad and pathetic. Poor Clare. Forget the shovel; someone call a therapist.
Juan Pablo then goes in for the kill and plays the song they danced to on their first one-on-one winter wonderland song date. He is so smooth, and Clare is so oblivious and stupid.
Clare agrees, “We may not know each other 100 percent but I know we have something special ... I don’t want a rose, I want forever.” Good luck with that.
Juan Pablo and Nikki’s Last Chance Date is a boat ride to an island. Nikki is feeling very insecure and is hoping that Juan Pablo will tell her that he loves her. Hahahaha. That’s funny. She tells him she is worried that he is having trouble opening up and that he seems guarded. He responds, “No, not guarded. When I have something to say, I will say it.” At that point Nikki should have jumped overboard, swam back and caught the first flight back to Missouri.
While they lounge on the beach, Nikki asks him what they will do when this experience is over and there are no more private islands. He tells her not to worry because he has a bed and a TV and they can watch movies and sports. But not before you fix my breakfast. And while you are at it, pick my dirty underwear up off the floor and do my laundry. And by the way, I won’t be home tonight, I have a date with Clare. After all, she is an amazing duck.
The nighttime portion of their Last Chance Date is filled with awkward silence while Nikki sits and stares and waits to hear those three little words. Eventually he says, “eet ees what eet ees.” He leaves and she sits and cries. I have no sympathy for Nikki.
The day has come and Juan Pablo is standing among some wicker planters waiting for the first boat to arrive. There is a single rose on a and a Neil Lane engagement ring, which Juan Pablo has not shopped for or picked out himself. Why? Because he has zero interest in marrying either of these women and probably couldn’t be bothered.
Clare and Nikki get dressed and talk about their excitement. Clare knows this is the dream end to her fairytale and Nikki is so in love and knows it’s right. I can barely watch and to make things worse, Juan Pablo’s blue suit is too tight.
The first boat arrives and the first woman out is ... Clare. Damn, that means we won’t get to see her dead dad’s video for her future husband. Her favorite moment is JP telling her "Trust me, it's going to be OK." She trusts him and makes her feel safe.
For some reason, Clare talks first and launches into a speech about how much she loves him and how much she believes in him. Juan Pablo can barely keep from yawning. Please stop talking, Clare. Juan Pablo finally speaks and tells her she is amazing woman but he “wishes the earth sucked me today because this is hardest decision but I have to say goodbye to you.” He goes in for the adios hug and Clare pushes him away, which elicits huge applause from the live audience and the National Organization for Women.
In her whiney baby voice, Clare tells him off and leaves with “After what you put me through I would never want my children to have a father like you,” DAYUM GIRL! Juan Pablo’s response to Clare’s verbal whipping is to casually shrug and say, “Whoo I’m glad I didn’t pick her,” making him the most hated man in America.
Clare gets back in the S.S. Rejection and heads to the mainland, seething the entire way. She cries and wants to know “Where is the man who makes me feel like I’m worth it?” Chris Harrison is newly divorced and would love to see your dad’s video. Just a thought.
Nikki arrives and can’t wait to hear Juan Pablo tell her he loves her. She too launches into a speech about how great he is and that she can’t imagine spending her life without him. Please stop talking, Nikki.
He tells her “I love so many things about you. You are like me, very honest.” He doesn’t tell her he loves her. He does however tell her that he listened to her father during their hometown date when he said if you are going to propose to my daughter you need to be 100 percent sure. Juan Pablo tells Nikki that he is not 100 percent sure that he wants to propose, but he is 100 percent sure that he doesn’t want to let her go because “I like you, A LOT.” Instead of kicking him in the shins, Nikki stands there, nodding and blinking.
He asks her “will you essept theese final rose” and she manages to keep it together as she answers “Absolutely.” So despite the fact that he has a $20,000 Neil Lane diamond ring in his pocket, Nikki accepts the $3 rose. He kisses her on the forehead and says, “Don’t get cranky now.” That little comment deserved a kick to a certain area.
After the Final Rose
Clare comes out first and doesn’t say anything that we haven’t already heard or already know. She can’t believe she bought his crap and wishes she would have left like Sharleen and Andi. Fortunately for her, she got closure and has nothing to say to him. She declines Chris Harrison’s offer to confront Juan Pablo and leaves the stage with a shred of dignity.
Juan Pablo comes out next to a lukewarm audience applause. He says “Aye.” No one cares. He says he’s doing great and feels relief. No one cares. He says he is upset about what’s happening in Venezuela. Great, now he thinks he’s Jared Leto.
Chris asks him, “What do you think about Clare?” He says he made the right decision for himself and “eet ees what eet ees.” His explanations of his behavior on the show are nonsensical and defensive and he is rude to Chris Harrison. Chris hates him.
Nikki comes out next and insists that she is happy and still in love. Chris asks “Is he in love with you?” She replies “I don’t know. I hope so.” Chris says “Does that bother you?” Clearly it does because despite Nikki’s attempts to convince us that their relationship is “great” no one is buying it and Chris keeps hammering away at her. He asks again “Has he told you he loves you?” Nikki replies “Not exactly, but I know he cares about me by his actions.” What does that mean? He give you a little bump and grind and that makes you happy? Come on Nikki, grow a pair, get up and go sit next to Sharleen, Kelly, Catherine and Sean.
Juan Pablo returns and sits next to Nikki. Chris keeps asking him if he loves her. He says he refuses to answer. He tries to explain that he won’t answer the question because his and Nikki’s relationship is private. Come on Juan Pablo, we all know the truth — you won’t tell her you love her because YOU DON’T LOVE HER, YOU NEVER HAD ANY INTENTIONS OF FINDING A WIFE AND ONLY WENT ON THE SHOW FOR THE PUBLICITY. I do have to give Juan Pablo kudos for not giving in.
Chris asks Juan Pablo if he has any surprises in store for Nikki, like the one that was discussed with the ABC producers when you were in St. Lucia? He shrugs and says nah. Then, as the final F-U to ABC and the entire "Bachelor" watching public, Juan Pablo declares, “We are done with this show. We are so done.” Which basically means thanks for the 15 minutes ABC, but I don’t need you anymore.
Juan Pablo and Chris argue for another half hour about whether he loves Nikki and Nikki just sits there like a dummy. She finally speaks and says “This relationship is real to us.” Well I guess that makes one of you, Nikki, because from where I sit, there is no “us” in Juan Pablo.
Oh, and Andi is the next "Bachelorette" (Gee, what a shocker!). Hopefully her hair will be one color by May.
Thank you for reading my recaps, and I hope I made you laugh during the worst season of "The Bachelor" ever.