Clare 

Nothing says quality time like a helicopter ride, and Juan Pablo and Clare have their Last Chance Date flying over St. Lucia wearing headphones and not speaking to each other. When they land and do have a rare moment alone without cameras and audio, Clare tells us that Juan Pablo leaned over and whispered something in her ear, but not the words she was hoping to hear.

“What I thought were going to be sweet kind loving words [were] not what came out of his mouth, and I’m shocked.” “He chose to tell me something that no woman wants to hear." (I’m thinking either "You have fat thighs’ or "You have a big ass.")

Clare divulges that Juan Pablo said, “He doesn’t know me. It was was insulting; it was offensive. It made me feel awful.” She added, “Maybe he’s not the man I thought he was.” Ya think? Did you forget what he did to you after Vietnam? Did you not listen to his family? I am now screaming at my TV and looking for something to throw.

Does Clare hop back on the helicopter and leave Juan Pablo in St. Lucia? No. She goes on the date and does who knows what else with him (or to him). SMH.

Later that night, Clare decides she is going to confront him with what he said to her in the helicopter. Although she won’t repeat exactly what he said to her, she does say that it was something about how he “loved hooking up with her,” just not in those words. He used words she couldn’t repeat. Maybe he said “I like ducking with you” and was referring to avoiding the helicopter blades. Perhaps this is all just a big misunderstanding. Somehow, I doubt it.

She invites him in and he asks for a besito. She doesn’t give him one. Instead, she tries to get him to repeat what he said in the helicopter. He ain’t biting and says, “Tell me. Remind me.” When she reminds him, he tells her that she “got him wrong.” (Must be that pesky “English is my second language” thing again). He says what he meant was that they don’t know each other very well. 

Clare keeps talking and Juan Pablo looks drunk, bored and annoyed. After some inane babbling about who knows what, he finally turns to her and tells her “Don’t blame it on me ... you were the one who broke your no-kissing rule in Vietnam.” He taps her on the chin for full effect and once again Clare has been slut-shamed. Her response? She lets him snuggle in closer and believes him when he says “Can I see myself with you? Sure. I like many things about you ... it’s not just physical attraction.” Someone please get Clare a shovel.

Juan Pablo snuggles in next to her and reassures Clare that he really likes her by reminding her “who met my daughter, who met my mom.” Um, Clare and Nikki did because IT’S PART OF THE SHOW, YOU MORON!

Just when you think Clare has lost her mind, Juan Pablo adds the cherry on top by saying, “You are so special to me. I know we are going to have a baby in like a year and two months. I know it. I feel great, honestly.” That was all she needed to hear, and Clare is convinced that there is a lot more between them than just physical attraction. She is very happy. It was so sad and pathetic. Poor Clare. Forget the shovel; someone call a therapist.

Juan Pablo then goes in for the kill and plays the song they danced to on their first one-on-one winter wonderland song date. He is so smooth, and Clare is so oblivious and stupid.

Clare agrees, “We may not know each other 100 percent but I know we have something special ... I don’t want a rose, I want forever.” Good luck with that.  

Nikki 

Juan Pablo and Nikki’s Last Chance Date is a boat ride to an island. Nikki is feeling very insecure and is hoping that Juan Pablo will tell her that he loves her. Hahahaha. That’s funny. She tells him she is worried that he is having trouble opening up and that he seems guarded. He responds, “No, not guarded. When I have something to say, I will say it.” At that point Nikki should have jumped overboard, swam back and caught the first flight back to Missouri.

While they lounge on the beach, Nikki asks him what they will do when this experience is over and there are no more private islands. He tells her not to worry because he has a bed and a TV and they can watch movies and sports. But not before you fix my breakfast. And while you are at it, pick my dirty underwear up off the floor and do my laundry. And by the way, I won’t be home tonight, I have a date with Clare. After all, she is an amazing duck. 

The nighttime portion of their Last Chance Date is filled with awkward silence while Nikki sits and stares and waits to hear those three little words. Eventually he says, “eet ees what eet ees.” He leaves and she sits and cries. I have no sympathy for Nikki.

The Finale

The day has come and Juan Pablo is standing among some wicker planters waiting for the first boat to arrive. There is a single rose on a and a Neil Lane engagement ring, which Juan Pablo has not shopped for or picked out himself. Why? Because he has zero interest in marrying either of these women and probably couldn’t be bothered.

Clare and Nikki get dressed and talk about their excitement. Clare knows this is the dream end to her fairytale and Nikki is so in love and knows it’s right. I can barely watch and to make things worse, Juan Pablo’s blue suit is too tight.

The first boat arrives and the first woman out is ... Clare. Damn, that means we won’t get to see her dead dad’s video for her future husband. Her favorite moment is JP telling her "Trust me, it's going to be OK." She trusts him and makes her feel safe.