Rose lovers, I come to you with good news: The season is over and we never have to see El Bachelor Juan Pablo again.
Things certainly have changed since “Juanuary” when we were so excited to join Juan Pablo on his “adventura.” What we didn’t know was that “adventura” meant “journey taken by a rude, arrogant, egotistical, racist, cocky, douchebag, lying, hypocritical, self-centered, offensive jerk."
Before we return to St. Lucia and bring this train wreck to a close, Chris Harris reminds us that this has been one of “the most dramatic and surprising finales” in "Bachelor" history. Chris admits that Juan Pablo has been the most controversial Bachelor and questions whether Juan Pablo was ever really there to find love at all. You know things are bad when Chris Harrison is disgusted.
Juan Pablo’s family arrives in St. Lucia and by family, I mean his entire family. He brought his Mom Nelly, Dad Saul, Sister, Niece, Brother Rodrigo, Cousin “Braces” Rodolfo and, of course, Camilla. Looks like the Galavis family can’t pass up a free trip.
Juan Pablo looks into the ocean and says, “Aye aye aye, St. Lucia, so pretty. The ocean is so blue it’s just perfect.” He has such a way with words.
Clare arrives at Juan Pablo’s hotel via the airport van, carrying an unruly bunch of flowers. She “couldn’t be more thrilled” because she “loves, loves, loves family.” As long as its not her own.
On cue, Camilla runs in and Clare shows that she will be a great stepmom by playing a hand-slapping game and noticing that Camilla has her ears pierced. Camilla is not impressed and gives her a look of “back off Stepmom Barbie” as she climbs in Juan Pablo’s lap and claims her territory.
In her annoying way of repeating everything, Clare says she “can’t wait to be a mom, can’t wait, can’t wait, can’t wait.” The rest of us can’t wait to be rid of Juan Pablo, can’t wait, can’t wait, can’t wait.
Clare sits with Mom Nelly and tells her she is in love with Juan Pablo. Mom Nelly’s face registers zero emotion. Clare asks Mom Nelly, “Is there anything I need to know about him that he hasn’t told me?” Instead of screaming at the top of her lungs ”GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN” she responds, “he’s super hyperactive” and “sometimes he’s very rude.” Clare admits to Mom Nelly that she knows that he can be rude and that he made her cry once. Mom Nelly confesses that Juan Pablo has made her cry, too. That Juan Pablo is some kind of guy.
Mom Nelly is appalled and it almost looks like she is trying to signal Clare with her eyes, which are saying “RUN CLARE, RUN.” Clare apparently likes a man who makes his mama cry and despite Mom Nelly’s attempts to warn Clare by writing across the bathroom mirror in red lipstick “SAVE YOURSELF CLARE,” Clare declares “I adore him.”
Things get even better when Cousin Braces tells Clare that when things get rough in a relationship, Juan Pablo walks away. Clare is unfazed and thinks getting a proposal would be the best thing in her life. Cousin Braces tells Juan Pablo that Clare is practically “begging for it” and Juan Pablo feigns interest in getting engaged. Dad Saul tells Clare that she is a nice, mature girl and that even if she doesn’t get the rose, she will always be on his mind. Awwww. Brother Rodrigo says, “Well she was nice but bring on the next girl.” Juan Pablo sends Clare away in the airport van.
As if we didn’t hear him the first time, Juan Pablo repeats “Aye aye aye, St. Lucia is gorgeous.” He is so deep. Nikki also arrives via the airport van with the same unruly bunch of flowers. She is wearing a halter dress that shows off her large tattoo and immediately complains to Juan Pablo’s family that it’s very hot in St. Lucia.
After briefly recapping their Make-out Around the World Tour, Nikki sits with Dad Saul, who asks, “How do you feel when you think about Juan Pablo being a single father?” Nikki replies, “I think Camilla has made him what he is today.” Which according to the look on Dad Saul’s face would be “a big ass.” Then Dad Saul adds, “He’s not an easy guy ... it’s always what he wants” and pretty much calls Juan Pablo a big know it all. Nikki says no problem, “I’m ready for it.” Or in Juan Pabloese, “Ees OK.”
Not so fast Nikki; it’s time to talk to Mom Nelly. Nikki tells Mom Nelly “you have a great son” and Mom Nelly does her best to keep a straight face. Mom Nelly asks Nikki to describe her ideal weekend with Juan Pablo, and Nikki describes a loving family, splashing in the pool, running on the beach and having Family Fun Night at home. Mom Nelly stifles a laugh and says uh no, you will bring him breakfast and then he will sit and watch TV all day while Camilla runs around the house.
Whoa Nelly! What are you saying? Mom Nelly says Juan Pablo is “simple” and asks Nikki “Are you sure” he is the kind of guy you want. Nikki says, “Yes, of course” and Mom Nelly asks again “You’re sure?” Nikki, does someone need to hit you over the head with a baseball bat or what?
Cousin Braces then talks to Nikki and asks, “By the way, how much fighting can you take?” What kind of question is that? Cousin Braces then adds, “Juan Pablo likes to walk away when things get rough.”
Seriously, how much more can these people warn these girls about the horror that is Juan Pablo. Even a plane with a sign that reads “Dear Clare and Nikki: Juan Pablo Is An Ass, Save Yourselves, Love, Juan Pablo’s Family” wouldn’t be enough to scare these girls. In fact, Nikki disregards Juan Pablo’s family’s warnings because “I know him on a different level than they do.” You keep telling yourself that, Nikki.
Juan Pablo sends her back to her hotel via the airport van but tells her he is so happy that she “signed up for this.” As she drives away Juan Pablo ponders his feelings about Nikki and Clare and asks “Can I keep both” which we all know is the foundation upon which solid marriages are made.