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'The Bachelor' recap, You're the one I Juant

This was the worst episode of "The Bachelor" to date, further reinforcing my beliefs that Juan Pablo is as interested in finding a wife as Sean Lowe is in foregoing his time in the Honeymoon Suite on his wedding night.

Speaking of Sean, watching his wedding to Catherine helped to summarize the difference between Sean and Juan Pablo -- Sean is the guy to whom you say “I do,” while Juan Pablo is the guy you wake up next to after a long night of drinking and say “What did I do?”

The episode starts with Juan Pablo cuddling with Cameeelllla because it is time for her to return home to her mommy, so that Juan Pablo can take his merry band of bridal wannabe misfits on some “adventuras” across the globe.

Chris Harrison arrives at the mansion and tells the ladies to quickly pack their stuff because they are headed to Seoul, South Korea. The girls scream, do a little "Gangnam Style" dance (which is so last year) and head to the airport despite the fact that most of them have no idea where South Korea is.

First Group Date

Upon arrival at the red-and-white-decorated hotel, the group date card arrives and invites Chelsie (who doesn’t seem so bright to me), Cassandra (the girl with zero personality), Elise (whose dead mom’s dying wish was for her to be on "The Bachelor"), Danielle (who has never uttered one sentence and no one can understand why she is still there), Kat (who humped his neck last week at the pool party) and Nikki (who repeatedly reminds us that she is a pediatric nurse) on a date entitled “Pop.”

Being the rocket scientists that these girls are, they discuss the possibility that the date will involve popcorn or gum. Nikki is quite upset that she did not get the one-on-one and believes that the “Pop” is the sound of her head exploding. You see, Nikki doesn’t have any sisters, and therefore doesn’t know how to share. But even sisters wouldn’t help this situation, because sisters who date the same guy usually end up on "The Jerry Springer Show."

Chelsie finds it weird to see Juan Pablo halfway around the world. Isn’t that why she flew to South Korea in the first place? Was she expecting someone else? Note to Chelsie -- when exploring South Korea, don’t go too far North.

As much as we would love to see Nikki’s sister-less head explode, we are not that lucky.  Rather, Juan Pablo and the six ladies gather at a K-Pop studio to learn some new dance moves courtesy of K-Pop singing sensation 2NE1, who are, according to Juan Pablo, as popular in Korea as the Spice Girls are in the United States.

The Spice Girls, really? Hello Juan Pablo, the '90’s called and want their girl-group back. According to Juan Pablo “a girl who knows how to dance is the best way to Juan Pablo’s heart.” Apparently Juan Pablo loves to dance in bright red pants and refer to himself in the third person.

Kat is thrilled and boasts “I’m a dancer -- I’ve been doing it since before I could walk.” She jumps right in, busts a move and ends with a high kick. Nikki does the sprinkler. It isn’t pretty; Nikki shows her sad face and complains for hours on end.

Then, just when things can’t get any worse for Nikki, the group is informed that they will be performing with 2NE1 in front of a huge crowd. Nikki’s attitude goes downhill from there. She says that she would rather crap her pants and hopes that she will be dancing for the South Korean School for the Blind. Fortunately, the “huge crowd” turns out to be a stage at a mall, like a Tiffany-inspired tour. Unfortunately for Nikki, none of the 300-or-so screaming Korean teens seems visually impaired and the show must go on.

Juan Pablo and the girls jump around the stage in the background, while Kat breaks free into her own slutty dance moves and takes front and center stage. They pose for some pictures with 2NE1, leaving teens all across South Korea wondering about the dorky guy in the red pants with the six bimbos.

At night, Juan Pablo toasts to a peaceful and wonderful night. Boy, did he come to the wrong place for peace. He would probably have more luck finding peace in North Korea than sitting with this group of women.

Kat manages to snag the first nighttime one-on-one time with Juan Pablo and assures him that there is more to her that just fun. In fact, Kat confesses that she had a very troubled childhood, with an alcoholic dad and divorced parents. It's all good though, because her mom made lemonade out of lemons. Juan Pablo has no idea what the hell she means -- you know, language barrier. I figured if the alcoholic dad showed up with some vodka, they could have made lemon drops.

While Kat bores Juan Pablo to death with her sad childhood story, Nikki complains to the other women about Kat’s phony behavior in front of the cameras. The other ladies are very uncomfortable with Nikki’s backstabbing ways and Danielle, who I didn’t know could speak in full sentences, says that Nikki has become catty and isn’t a good role model for Cameeellla.

Elise gets some one-on-one time with Juan Pablo and tells him that some of the other girls are not there for the right reason. Bad move Elise. Haven’t you seen this show before? Everyone knows that you NEVER, EVER tell the bachelor about the other girls or the drama in the house. NEVER. Elise should just start packing her bag immediately, because she is history.

Nikki gets her one-on-one time and becomes all sweet and shy. Oh, this situation is so hard because I am looking for something real. Oh, by the way, did I mention that I am a pediatric nurse and work with kids?

She tells him that she is a good diaper changer, which is really important since Cameeellla is four years old, but Juan Pablo doesn’t flinch; he is smitten by NIkki. Despite Elise’s attempts at sabotage, Juan Pablo asks Nikki “will you essept theese rose?” Of course she esspets the rose. The other girls cringe.

The Juan and Only Juan-on-Juan Date

Back at the hotel, the date card arrives and asks Sharleen, “Are you my Seoul mate?” Someone asks “What do you think that means?” Sharleen responds “I think we will explore Seoul.” Really Sharleen, ya think?  Clare looks dumbfounded and declares that Sharleen is not right for Juan Pablo. Sharleen says she is excited about the date, but looks about as excited as someone who just stepped in gum.

In an effort to get ready for his date, Juan Pablo showers and we are forced to watch him wash his left breast and arm pit. He is no Shirtless Sean and I can do without the Juan-Pablo-in-the-shower scenes.

Sharleen is happy that she got the one-on-one date and is hoping to fall in love, because as of right now she ain’t feeling it. Juan Pablo says that Sharleen is one of his favorites. Everyone in America is staring at their TVs with very confused looks on their faces and asking, “why?”

Sharleen and Juan Pablo’s date consists of walking through a market in Seoul, and Sharleen saying that she feels like she is walking through a market in Seoul. They try on traditional outfits and eat unfamiliar food off of toothpicks, then go to a tea house for some serious conversation -- during which Sharleen impresses Juan Pablo with her use of the word "bland." He is wearing yellow pants and a blue shirt and I wish he would stop taking fashion tips from whoever keeps telling him that real men wear pastel pants.

Before dinner, Juan Pablo takes Sharleen to a courtyard and begs her to sing for him. She is all like OMG I could NEVER do that on a first date and OH MY I have to be really comfortable with someone before I could do that. Give me a break, Sharleen, and just sing already.

She warms up her lips, belts out a few notes and Juan Pablo is impressed. She slinks over to him and grabs his bottom lip. As if last week’s Sharleen/Juan Pablo kiss wasn’t bad enough, Sharleen leans in for another round of world’s-worst-kissing. This time, instead of Sharleen being frozen like a dead fish, she leads with her tongue and passionately kisses him. In response, Juan Pablo chews on her bottom lip. I have to remember to watch these kisses with my hands over my face, peeking through my fingers. Despite his teeth marks on her lip, Sharleen decides that she really does like Juan Pablo, and “there is a shot that we could fall in love.”

At the end of the night, Sharleen thanks Juan Pablo for a perfect date. He tells her he “gets her” and that makes her heart stop. Juan Pablo then asks how many kids she wants. Sharleen looks at him like he asked her to squeeze the pimples on his back and she says “me?” No, not you, I’m asking the waitress -- of course you, Sharleen.

He reminds her that he has a daughter (as if anyone could forget that) and repeats the question. More crickets. After stumbling around a bit, Sharleen finally admits that she dated a man with a four-year-old daughter and she really didn’t like it too much. Instead of repeating that he is on this “adventura” to find a wife and step-mom for Cameeellla and that not liking kids is a deal breaker, he tells Sharleen that he appreciates her honesty and gives her the rose, which is basically giving Cameeelllla the big F.U.

Juan Pablo has lots of ‘splaining to do -- he gave the rose to a woman who is appalled by children, despite the fact that he tells everyone he has to do the right thing for Cameeelllla. The right thing for Cameeellla would be for you to drop these crazies and go home and take her to the park on Friday. Instead, he gives the rose to the one woman who pretty much hates kids. “I like who you are, that you’re different. I appreciate your honesty. Will you essept theeese rose?”  Cameeellla becomes a more distant memory with each word.

Second Group Date a/k/a Reject Group Date

While Sharleen is honestly telling Juan Pablo that she hates kids, the second group-date card arrives and says “Let’s Get Krazy.”

Lauren S. (who?); Andi (prosecutor); Clare (stage 5 clinger/psychopath); Renee (House Therapist); Alli (I have no idea who she is); and Kelly (Miss Piggy/Dog Lover) are supposed to be singing karaoke in a tiny dollhouse room to songs they have never heard before and lyrics that are not written in English. Instead they dance around the small room and sing “na na na.”

When they are finished with “karaoke,” they get some of Kat’s mother’s homemade lemonade in a zip lock bag, walk the streets, take pictures in photo booths, ride in paddle boats and eventually stumble across a place called “Dr. Fish Zone” for pedicures, which consist of putting your feet in a pool of fish who eat the dead skin off your rotting planks. Renee’s feet seem popular with the fish and Clare is extremely jealous that Renee has disgusting feet and she doesn’t.

When the fish are sufficiently full, it is time for Juan Pablo and his “second shift of merry followers” to hit the streets of Seoul and eat some octopus; all except for Clare that is. Clare does not eat octopus and refuses, until Juan Pablo chants “Clare Clare Clare.”  Clare finally manages to choke down the octopus, but not before it makes one last visit to the top of Clare’s mouth. Clare gags for effect, but then emerges victorious over the octopus.

Kelly is annoyed by Clare’s antics, calls her a lunatic and says “I know she has swallowed bigger things than that before.” Oh SNAP!

Flesh-eating fish and octopus on a stick behind us, it is now time for the night portion of the date. Andi says that all the girls are starting to think about kissing Juan Pablo, so let the games begin!

Renee takes the first stab at locking lips with her Latin lover by asking what Cameeella would think about her daddy kissing another woman. Despite her attempt to use Cameeella as kissing bait, Juan Pablo ain’t biting. Instead, he says that he wants to be a good role model to Cameeella and that he doesn’t want for her to see him kissing lots of women.

He seems to have forgotten all about chewing Sharleen’s bottom lip off the night before, not to mention the five other women he has sucked face with already. He also seems to forget that Cameeella is only four years old and shouldn’t even be watching this show. And if we are talking about him being a good role model, he never should have said that gay people were perverted. I rest my case on Juan Pablo not being a “good” role model.

Speaking of resting my case, prosecutor Andi and Juan Pablo sit on the side of a road, lean on a guard rail and talk. He calls her beautiful and plays “got your nose.” After a few “Aye Aye Ayes” and no “Kiss Kiss Kiss,” he leans his head back and falls asleep.

Lauren is next and isn’t wasting any time by making small talk. She goes right up to him, puts her arms around him to dance, leans in and asks for a “beso.”  He gives her the “I want to be a good role model for my daughter” line; she calls him out on kissing the other girls and then cries and makes a fool of herself.

Instead of holding on to any shred of dignity, Lauren runs off, followed by a cameraman, and cries in the corner, telling Juan Pablo “I know you’ve like kissed the other girls.” All dignity out the window. Lauren is upset and embarrassed by her behavior, but she thinks she redeemed herself by saying that she is here for the right reasons. She is wrong.

Clare finally gets her alone time with Juan Pablo. While she is inside being fed chocolate crackers and reliving the great octopus-toothpick eating debacle from the afternoon, Andi and Kelly are turning their hatred for Clare into a role play of the octopus eating, or gagging, escapade.

While Andi and Kelly are making fun of her, Clare fawns all over Juan Pablo and admits that although she initially swallowed the octopus, she later “threw up in my mouth and swallowed it back down.” That is the sort of thing that will guarantee you a date in the fantasy suite.

Juan Pablo is mesmerized by Clare’s sexy teeth and lips and is turned on by the taste of regurgitated octopus, so he breaks his “I’m a good role model for my daughter” rule and leans in and kisses Clare. Clearly “I can’t kiss you because I am being a good role model for my daughter” is code for “I am just not that into you Renee, Andi and Lauren, so please don’t kiss me.”

In the end, Clare gets the kiss, but Andi gets the rose. I hope Juan Pablo gets some Listerine.

Rose Ceremony

Nikki, Sharleen and Andi all have roses and have decided to forgo their alone time with Juan Pablo at the cocktail party. That is until Nikki, who left most of her dress in her hotel room, decides to march her barely covered self over to interrupt Juan Pablo and Clare’s talk time.

Nikki and Juan Pablo are having a boring conversation when Juan Pablo passes a comment about some possible drama in the house. Nikki’s bitch radar goes up full force and she assumes that Clare, who was the last one to talk to Juan Pablo, must have ratted her out. Nikki and Clare have some words, symbolizing the start of what is sure to be a major bitchfest that will last until one of them is sent home.

The argument ends when Clare points out that in the end, Juan Pablo is the one who hands out the roses. Speaking of which, the remaining roses go to:

Renee (really?);

Chelsie (who almost plows over Elise to get to the rose);

Kelly (who looks more like Miss Piggy when she is in Seoul);

Danielle (who?);

Cassandra (Why?);

Alli (Huh?);

Clare (Yuck!); and

Kat (whatever).

Taking the long walk of shame and 12-hour flight home are:

Elise, who blames the same dead mom who sent her to Juan Pablo for sending her home (personally, I would blame the awful dress that she wore to the rose ceremony), and Lauren who not only lost her dignity, but appears to have lost her make-up bag as well.

Next week: Vietnam!

Copyright © 2014, The Baltimore Sun
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