This was the worst episode of "The Bachelor" to date, further reinforcing my beliefs that Juan Pablo is as interested in finding a wife as Sean Lowe is in foregoing his time in the Honeymoon Suite on his wedding night.
Speaking of Sean, watching his wedding to Catherine helped to summarize the difference between Sean and Juan Pablo -- Sean is the guy to whom you say “I do,” while Juan Pablo is the guy you wake up next to after a long night of drinking and say “What did I do?”
The episode starts with Juan Pablo cuddling with Cameeelllla because it is time for her to return home to her mommy, so that Juan Pablo can take his merry band of bridal wannabe misfits on some “adventuras” across the globe.
Chris Harrison arrives at the mansion and tells the ladies to quickly pack their stuff because they are headed to Seoul, South Korea. The girls scream, do a little "Gangnam Style" dance (which is so last year) and head to the airport despite the fact that most of them have no idea where South Korea is.
First Group Date
Upon arrival at the red-and-white-decorated hotel, the group date card arrives and invites Chelsie (who doesn’t seem so bright to me), Cassandra (the girl with zero personality), Elise (whose dead mom’s dying wish was for her to be on "The Bachelor"), Danielle (who has never uttered one sentence and no one can understand why she is still there), Kat (who humped his neck last week at the pool party) and Nikki (who repeatedly reminds us that she is a pediatric nurse) on a date entitled “Pop.”
Being the rocket scientists that these girls are, they discuss the possibility that the date will involve popcorn or gum. Nikki is quite upset that she did not get the one-on-one and believes that the “Pop” is the sound of her head exploding. You see, Nikki doesn’t have any sisters, and therefore doesn’t know how to share. But even sisters wouldn’t help this situation, because sisters who date the same guy usually end up on "The Jerry Springer Show."
Chelsie finds it weird to see Juan Pablo halfway around the world. Isn’t that why she flew to South Korea in the first place? Was she expecting someone else? Note to Chelsie -- when exploring South Korea, don’t go too far North.
As much as we would love to see Nikki’s sister-less head explode, we are not that lucky. Rather, Juan Pablo and the six ladies gather at a K-Pop studio to learn some new dance moves courtesy of K-Pop singing sensation 2NE1, who are, according to Juan Pablo, as popular in Korea as the Spice Girls are in the United States.
The Spice Girls, really? Hello Juan Pablo, the '90’s called and want their girl-group back. According to Juan Pablo “a girl who knows how to dance is the best way to Juan Pablo’s heart.” Apparently Juan Pablo loves to dance in bright red pants and refer to himself in the third person.
Kat is thrilled and boasts “I’m a dancer -- I’ve been doing it since before I could walk.” She jumps right in, busts a move and ends with a high kick. Nikki does the sprinkler. It isn’t pretty; Nikki shows her sad face and complains for hours on end.
Then, just when things can’t get any worse for Nikki, the group is informed that they will be performing with 2NE1 in front of a huge crowd. Nikki’s attitude goes downhill from there. She says that she would rather crap her pants and hopes that she will be dancing for the South Korean School for the Blind. Fortunately, the “huge crowd” turns out to be a stage at a mall, like a Tiffany-inspired tour. Unfortunately for Nikki, none of the 300-or-so screaming Korean teens seems visually impaired and the show must go on.
Juan Pablo and the girls jump around the stage in the background, while Kat breaks free into her own slutty dance moves and takes front and center stage. They pose for some pictures with 2NE1, leaving teens all across South Korea wondering about the dorky guy in the red pants with the six bimbos.
At night, Juan Pablo toasts to a peaceful and wonderful night. Boy, did he come to the wrong place for peace. He would probably have more luck finding peace in North Korea than sitting with this group of women.
Kat manages to snag the first nighttime one-on-one time with Juan Pablo and assures him that there is more to her that just fun. In fact, Kat confesses that she had a very troubled childhood, with an alcoholic dad and divorced parents. It's all good though, because her mom made lemonade out of lemons. Juan Pablo has no idea what the hell she means -- you know, language barrier. I figured if the alcoholic dad showed up with some vodka, they could have made lemon drops.
While Kat bores Juan Pablo to death with her sad childhood story, Nikki complains to the other women about Kat’s phony behavior in front of the cameras. The other ladies are very uncomfortable with Nikki’s backstabbing ways and Danielle, who I didn’t know could speak in full sentences, says that Nikki has become catty and isn’t a good role model for Cameeellla.
Elise gets some one-on-one time with Juan Pablo and tells him that some of the other girls are not there for the right reason. Bad move Elise. Haven’t you seen this show before? Everyone knows that you NEVER, EVER tell the bachelor about the other girls or the drama in the house. NEVER. Elise should just start packing her bag immediately, because she is history.
Nikki gets her one-on-one time and becomes all sweet and shy. Oh, this situation is so hard because I am looking for something real. Oh, by the way, did I mention that I am a pediatric nurse and work with kids?
She tells him that she is a good diaper changer, which is really important since Cameeellla is four years old, but Juan Pablo doesn’t flinch; he is smitten by NIkki. Despite Elise’s attempts at sabotage, Juan Pablo asks Nikki “will you essept theese rose?” Of course she esspets the rose. The other girls cringe.
The Juan and Only Juan-on-Juan Date