Hola, rose lovers, and welcome to the official start of Juan Pablo’s season of "El Bachelor." Sit back, relax and watch sexy, Latino Juan Pablo on his journey to find love. Or as he likes to call it, his “adventura” -- like he’s Dora the Explorer.
As we get a glimpse into Juan Pablo’s life in Miami, we see him playing volleyball on the beach and doing a strange creepy dance under a bridge; we also discover that he is some type of minor league baseball sports consultant or something.
He draws hearts in the sand with his daughter Cameeeela, once again proving that he is a great dad. He walks the streets of Miami and poses with fans, pets dogs and knows he will be a great Bachelor because he speaks the language of LOOOOVE.
Sounding nothing short of a bad match.com profile, Juan Pablo says he is ready to find a wife and stepmom, and is going to fly to Los Angeles to meet her. This shows how truly naive Juan Pablo is -- who goes to Los Angeles to find a wife? Cameeeela grabs her abuela and abuelo and out to L.A. they go.
Upon arriving in L.A., Juan Pablo has plenty of time to play with little Cameeeela, but is very worried about how he is going to handle being El Bachelor, so he calls in a little reinforcement. Sean Lowe suddenly appears in Juan Pablo’s backyard, wearing Catherine’s pants and full of useful advice -- such as, to make sure when he kisses a girl that the other girls don’t see it.
At this point, Juan Pablo starts talking really fast and says something about being a master dater or master of group dates, but it doesn’t matter. Sean and Juan Pablo talk a little more about kissing the girls. Does anyone else find it odd that Juan Pablo is taking sex advice from a born-again virgin?
Sean and his periwinkle pants make their exit and we are treated to some unnecessary but very satisfying shots of Juan Pablo in the shower, shaving his perfectly groomed stubble and getting dressed for his big night. With kisses goodbye for Cameeeela, mami and papi, Juan Pablo and his sexy black suit are off to Los Angeles, the land of wives and stepmothers.
Before Juan Pablo can start his adventura, we are given a little glimpse into what will be stepping out of the limo.
We first meet CHELSIE, a 24-year-old perky blond who thinks the way to Juan Pablo’s heart is to dazzle him with her knowledge of simple Spanish phrases and words. She practices saying the word “amor” and smiles, giggles and shimmies her shoulders.
Next we meet 32 year old single mom RENEE, who likes to paddle boat and roller blade and can’t wait to exploit her 8 year old athletic son Ben in her quest to marry Juan Pablo.
ANDI, 24, is a gang banger from Atlanta -- oh wait, gang prosecutor -- who is already complaining about dating a guy who is also dating 24 other women. NIKKI, 26, is a pediatric nurse who wants to feel head-over-heels in love for more than two weeks. No grown woman should spell her name Nikki unless she is a stripper.
AMY J. is a 31-year-old massage therapist who loves to massage people while making porn faces and moaning sounds. She has really big teeth and looks more like Jim Carey than any woman should. As if the porn faces and moaning aren’t bad enough, she also wants to feed Juan Pablo eggs “here comes the airplane” style. In a word, she is "loco."
We next meet LAUREN H. who is a 25-year-old mineral coordinator from Oklahoma who admits that although she is blessed, her love life sucks because six weeks ago her fiance called off their engagement over the phone. At least it wasn’t via text message or a post-it note. She wears bad makeup and looks a little like something from "Planet of the Apes."
Self-proclaimed pretty girl VALERIE, who is not that pretty, tells us she is not afraid to sharpen her nails and scratch the other girls' eyes out. She thinks she is Katniss Everdeen with a bow-and-arrow and wants to shoot Juan Pablo in the heart. Nice girl.
LACY, 25, has a big smile, a big heart and big breasts. She has dedicated her life to her special needs family and taking care of the elderly.
CLARE, 32, is part Mexican and loves her family. She is the youngest of six girls and before her dad passed away, he made a DVD for her future husband to watch, which is really creepy. Clare is looking for a man just like her dad, which I guess means someone who will make videos for people to watch post-mortem.
Juan Pablo arrives at the mansion and is very happy to see Chris, who is clearly straining to understand what Juan Pablo is saying. Chris drops a bomb and tells him that due to overwhelming fan response, there will be a whopping 27 women, not 25, for him to choose from. Juan Pablo says “oooh, two more,” proving that he can, in fact, count.
Finally, the moment we have all been waiting for arrives. Either that or One Direction has shown up, because the first limo full of what sounds like screaming teenage girls has arrived!
First out of the limo is AMY L, a 27-year-old local news reporter from Orlando. She rambles on and on and looks like she took too much Adderall. Juan Pablo looks scared.
Next we meet CASSANDRA, who is a 21-year-old former NBA dancer with a really long neck. As opposed to AMY L., who babbled on, CASSANDRA just stands there making weird squeaking noises.
CHRISTY, 24, is wearing a white dress and white headband in an attempt to subconsciously look like a bride. So far, Juan Pablo is happy and says, “I am liking this first leeeeemo.”
CHRISTINE, from Miami, brings a bracelet for Cameeeela, and NIKKI arrives with a stethoscope so that Juan Pablo can listen to her heart and fondle her breasts at the same time.
KAT, 29, asks Juan Pablo to teach her to salsa; he likes her because she smells good.
CHANTAL is the first African-American woman of the night and is wearing a skin-tight short blue dress.
VICTORIA, 24, arrives in an ugly yellow dress that looks like it could have been the curtains from her kitchen, but she is quickly forgotten about because LUCY, whose occupation is “Free Spirit,” comes flying out of the limo in a white dress with no shoes and a flower headband.
As if on cue, psychiatric nurse DANIELLE arrives -- which is good because someone needs to be around to administer the Thorazine. Just when things are getting really boring, music composer LAUREN S. wheels up the driveway, driving a piano, huffing and puffing the whole way. She hits a few clunkers on the keys and forgets to tell Juan Pablo her name.
CHELSIE is a science teacher who tries to make chemistry with Juan Pablo, but he doesn’t get it and looks confused. In his defense, her experiment was an epic fail coupled with bad acting.
VALERIE shows Juan Pablo that she is a real cowgirl because she is wearing boots. Her missing tooth is much more telling than the boots.
ELISE is unremarkable, as is ASHLEY, the first-grade teacher whose head is too big for her body.
CLARE, a 26-year-old hairstylist from Sacramento, thinks that faking a pregnancy is the best way to snag a husband and comes out of the limo sporting a sizable baby bump. Oddly, Juan Pablo does not seem appalled by this and actually thinks she is cute.
ALLI comes out of the limo kicking a soccer ball and wearing sneakers. AMY J., the porn star masseause, arrives. Single mom RENEE makes an impression as, well, a single mom.
LAUREN H. is still wearing too much make-up, and southern girl MAGGIE brings him a fishing hook because she is hoping that Juan Pablo is the big catch she has been waiting for.
KELLY is a “Dog Lover” who brings her dog Molly with her, which is a good thing because without Molly’s keen sense of direction, Kelly would still be looking for the mansion door.
LACY arrives with a large prescription bottle of “pills” in case the women give him a headache. In case? ALEXIS is next, but she doesn't leave an impression so I have nothing to say about her.
KYLIE has bad pink/red hair and is wearing a pink dress with matching pink lipstick and nails. SHARLEEN is an opera singer from Canada but lives in Germany, which confuses Juan Pablo. She seems very poised and elegant and I’m thinking she got in the wrong limo at the airport.
Last, but not least, ANDI arrives with her lawyer confidence and ombre hair.
Once all the girls are settled on the couches with drinks in hand, Juan Pablo makes his entrance. The girls screech and clap upon his arrival. He thanks them for taking time from their busy lives to be there. I’m sure it was a real hardship for the “Free Spirit” and “Dog Lover.” He is overwhelmed and says “aye aye aye” and “whoo” over and over again.
In an attempt to break the ice, Juan Pablo finds a transistor radio, puts on some music and dances with the ladies. I guess no one had an ipod. They take pictures in a photo booth like 13-year-olds at a bar mitzvah, duck face and deuces included.
Nikki is the first girl to make her move and she asks “what do you want to know about me?” He responds “Uh, your name?” After a quick conversation about being a pediatric nurse, Nikki says she is hoping she left her mark. She should have just lifted her leg and peed on him.
Renee gets some alone time with Juan Pablo, and his pet name for her is “mom,” which is not a good sign. They bond over the fact that they are single parents. Juan Pablo has another girl’s lipstick on his cheek during their entire conversation. Another bad sign.
All is going well until BAM! Lucy drags him to to the couch, gets in his face and asks “Am I making you nervous?” She flings her dirty bare feet over his lap and, in a show of someone who doesn’t respect personal space, gets way-too-close for comfort. I bet she is a face talker -- you know, those people who get right in your face when they talk to you? I shudder at the thought. Remember, this is the girl who humped Chris Harrison’s leg when he told her she was going to be on the show.
Continuing with the too-close-for-comfort theme, Amy J. so happens to find a massage table and essential oils outside by the pool and goes right to work, showing Juan Pablo her special talents and getting essential oil all over his nice suit. Amy undresses a very uncomfortable Juan Pablo and rubs his ass while telling him they have a lot in common. She massages him, makes the porn face and moans.
Chris Harrison arrives with the first impression rose and Kylie starts whining that if she doesn’t get a rose, she is going to be devastated. She should be more devastated by the fact that she looks like cotton candy.
Lauren H. chews her nails and says she deserves a rose because her love life sucks. As opposed to the other girls who all have booming relationships back home but decided they had nothing better to do than subject themselves to public ridicule and humiliation.
Chelsie gets some alone time with Juan Pablo in the photo booth and finally wipes the lipstick off his face while they are taking pictures. He asks her how many children she wants, and she answers “all of them.” I guess that’s a good thing, because the hospital usually makes you take them home. Chelsie comments that all the photos they took have only his face and that she has been cut out. Take that as a sign of things to come, Chelsie.
Elise is in love and she knows this will work out because her dead mom sent her to Juan Pablo.
While the girls are sharing stories about their time with Juan Pablo, or lack thereof, Lauren is sitting around with her sour puss covered in too much makeup, complaining about insecurities and feeling a little broken. A little broken? That’s like saying that Clare was a little bit fake pregnant. She is so broken that she can’t seem to pull herself together enough to go over and talk to Juan Pablo, so instead she sits around and cries.
Juan Pablo is eventually steered towards Lauren H., who at first seems to have pulled herself together, but spends the entire time talking about her broken engagement and how she is over it. Sure you are. Juan Pablo is desperately looking for the nearest exit.
The strangest part of the night is when Juan Pablo sits with Sharleen, the very poised opera singer. She tells him a story about pea-soup with a wiener in it, and he runs into the next room to grab the first impression rose. He comes back with the rose, sits next to her, hands her the rose and says, “I think you are very elegant and I like the way you are. Will you assep theeese rose.” Sharleen looks at him like he is handing her a handful of steaming dog poop, and after about eight seconds says, “Sure, yeah sure.” She thanks him, calls him sir a few times and walks off. Strangest first-impression rose to date.
Finally, it is time to send the real crazies home. Roses go to:
Clare, Nikki, Renee, Andi, Alli, Chantal, Lauren S. Kelly, Cassandra, Danielle, Chelsie, Kat, Victoria, Christy, Lucy, Elise and Amy L.
The awkward moment of the night came when Juan Pablo called out “Kat” and Kylie stepped forward. Juan Pablo quickly shooed her back into the crowd, despite her plea that he give them both a rose, and we all knew Kylie’s time was up.
Adios for now!Copyright © 2014, The Baltimore Sun