Hola, rose lovers, and welcome to the official start of Juan Pablo’s season of "El Bachelor." Sit back, relax and watch sexy, Latino Juan Pablo on his journey to find love. Or as he likes to call it, his “adventura” -- like he’s Dora the Explorer.
As we get a glimpse into Juan Pablo’s life in Miami, we see him playing volleyball on the beach and doing a strange creepy dance under a bridge; we also discover that he is some type of minor league baseball sports consultant or something.
He draws hearts in the sand with his daughter Cameeeela, once again proving that he is a great dad. He walks the streets of Miami and poses with fans, pets dogs and knows he will be a great Bachelor because he speaks the language of LOOOOVE.
Sounding nothing short of a bad match.com profile, Juan Pablo says he is ready to find a wife and stepmom, and is going to fly to Los Angeles to meet her. This shows how truly naive Juan Pablo is -- who goes to Los Angeles to find a wife? Cameeeela grabs her abuela and abuelo and out to L.A. they go.
Upon arriving in L.A., Juan Pablo has plenty of time to play with little Cameeeela, but is very worried about how he is going to handle being El Bachelor, so he calls in a little reinforcement. Sean Lowe suddenly appears in Juan Pablo’s backyard, wearing Catherine’s pants and full of useful advice -- such as, to make sure when he kisses a girl that the other girls don’t see it.
At this point, Juan Pablo starts talking really fast and says something about being a master dater or master of group dates, but it doesn’t matter. Sean and Juan Pablo talk a little more about kissing the girls. Does anyone else find it odd that Juan Pablo is taking sex advice from a born-again virgin?
Sean and his periwinkle pants make their exit and we are treated to some unnecessary but very satisfying shots of Juan Pablo in the shower, shaving his perfectly groomed stubble and getting dressed for his big night. With kisses goodbye for Cameeeela, mami and papi, Juan Pablo and his sexy black suit are off to Los Angeles, the land of wives and stepmothers.
Before Juan Pablo can start his adventura, we are given a little glimpse into what will be stepping out of the limo.
We first meet CHELSIE, a 24-year-old perky blond who thinks the way to Juan Pablo’s heart is to dazzle him with her knowledge of simple Spanish phrases and words. She practices saying the word “amor” and smiles, giggles and shimmies her shoulders.
Next we meet 32 year old single mom RENEE, who likes to paddle boat and roller blade and can’t wait to exploit her 8 year old athletic son Ben in her quest to marry Juan Pablo.
ANDI, 24, is a gang banger from Atlanta -- oh wait, gang prosecutor -- who is already complaining about dating a guy who is also dating 24 other women. NIKKI, 26, is a pediatric nurse who wants to feel head-over-heels in love for more than two weeks. No grown woman should spell her name Nikki unless she is a stripper.
AMY J. is a 31-year-old massage therapist who loves to massage people while making porn faces and moaning sounds. She has really big teeth and looks more like Jim Carey than any woman should. As if the porn faces and moaning aren’t bad enough, she also wants to feed Juan Pablo eggs “here comes the airplane” style. In a word, she is "loco."
We next meet LAUREN H. who is a 25-year-old mineral coordinator from Oklahoma who admits that although she is blessed, her love life sucks because six weeks ago her fiance called off their engagement over the phone. At least it wasn’t via text message or a post-it note. She wears bad makeup and looks a little like something from "Planet of the Apes."
Self-proclaimed pretty girl VALERIE, who is not that pretty, tells us she is not afraid to sharpen her nails and scratch the other girls' eyes out. She thinks she is Katniss Everdeen with a bow-and-arrow and wants to shoot Juan Pablo in the heart. Nice girl.
LACY, 25, has a big smile, a big heart and big breasts. She has dedicated her life to her special needs family and taking care of the elderly.
CLARE, 32, is part Mexican and loves her family. She is the youngest of six girls and before her dad passed away, he made a DVD for her future husband to watch, which is really creepy. Clare is looking for a man just like her dad, which I guess means someone who will make videos for people to watch post-mortem.
Juan Pablo arrives at the mansion and is very happy to see Chris, who is clearly straining to understand what Juan Pablo is saying. Chris drops a bomb and tells him that due to overwhelming fan response, there will be a whopping 27 women, not 25, for him to choose from. Juan Pablo says “oooh, two more,” proving that he can, in fact, count.
Finally, the moment we have all been waiting for arrives. Either that or One Direction has shown up, because the first limo full of what sounds like screaming teenage girls has arrived!
First out of the limo is AMY L, a 27-year-old local news reporter from Orlando. She rambles on and on and looks like she took too much Adderall. Juan Pablo looks scared.
Next we meet CASSANDRA, who is a 21-year-old former NBA dancer with a really long neck. As opposed to AMY L., who babbled on, CASSANDRA just stands there making weird squeaking noises.