It’s Fantasy Suite time, aka the night that you show the world that you are easy and will sleep with a guy who will also be sleeping with two other women.
Juan Pablo is walking around St. Lucia in a mint green shirt and white shorts, biding his time until he can get some quality alone time with his three remaining ladies: Clare, Neekee and Andi. He says with a twinkle in his eyes that he is “going to get a chance to talk to the girls with privacy ... all the time we want, no cameras. Perfect.”
Talking. Yeah right.
Fortunately St. Lucia is the perfect place to fall in love as opposed to all the other perfect places to fall in love that they have visited over the past few weeks.
Clare arrives in St. Lucia and annoyingly coos “if you told me a year ago that I would be standing here with the man of my dreams, falling in love, there’s no way I would believe you.” She is convinced that Juan Pablo is perfect and is thrilled that it is finally time for her “love story” to come true.
Clare and Juan Pablo spend the day on a yacht. Clare actually spends the day on top of Juan Pablo while the camera man provides us unnecessary shots up Clare’s dress. Juan Pablo declares “dees is freeking beautiful” as they jump off the yacht and frolic in the warm water.
Clare spends all day and most of the night pretending to be mulling over whether or not she will spend the night with Juan Pablo in the Fantasy Suite. Who is she kidding? We all know that despite her PTSD from her time in ‘Nam, she is not going to pass up a chance to frolic with Juan Pablo sans cameras and Cameeeellla’s prying eyes.
During dinner in a treehouse, Clare wants to talk about meeting Cameeeelllla, but Juan Pablo would rather talk about Clare forgoing her individual room and spending the night with him in the fantasy suite. He whips out the standard “Chris Harrison Fantasy Suite Card,” hands Clare the key and says “aye what do you want to do?”
When she brings up his “we made a mistake in Vietnam” speech and tells him she doesn’t want to bring any more shame on Cameeeellla, he pretends to listen to her concerns but tells her with a shrug “These ees what it ees.”
Clare “really, really, really” wants to spend more time with him so she gives in and convinces herself that she is doing the right thing. “Since the day he blindfolded me in the car and told me to trust him and he hasn’t given me a reason not to.” Except the time that he called you out on your 4 a.m. booty call and embarrassed you by telling you that you weren’t a good role model for his daughter.
Big sigh. Some people never learn.
Once in the Fantasy Suite, he toasts, “Tomorrow we will wake up and know a lot more about each other.” I bet you will. They sit and talk for a little while. He tells her she is cute and plays with her ear and grabs her nose. She drops the L-bomb by saying, “I’m falling in love with you.” He continues to play “got your nose” and “hide the tongue in your mouth” and Clare is oblivious to the fact that she is being played like a grand piano.
Next stop: The hot tub, where Juan Pablo continues to slobber all over her. She says she wants babies and marriage (in that order) and that she trusts him. SMH.
The next morning Juan Pablo says his sleepover with Clare was great and that they spent the night “just laying and talking and cuddling.” Sure you did. Was that before or after your braided each other’s hair and played with the Ouija board?
After Clare, it’s Andi’s turn. Their date consists of playing steel drums in a village, creeping out a young local boy and making him drink juice and playing a pick up game of soccer on the beach.
After they are done annoying the locals, they jump in a land buggy and go for a ride into the jungle and have a picnic next to a waterfall. Didn’t they already have this date?
They sit under waterfall and Juan Pablo thinks she is “wife material.” I guess waterfalls are their thing.
Later that night, Juan Pablo thinks Andi could be the one, but is concerned that he misunderstood her during the hometown date when she said that she “really badly wanted to fall in love.” He says he doesn’t want her to force things because “nothing that is forced will work.” Using her sharp prosecutor skills she explains that there is a difference between “wanting it badly” and “forcing it.” Juan Pablo accepts that answer because he really doesn’t care and is only making conversation as an introduction to asking her to spend the night in the Fantasy Suite.
Now it’s Andi’s turn to ask the questions and she asks if he thinks she will be a good mother. He replies “Do I think you can be a good mother? My honest answer is I don’t know. Are you a mother? No. Will you fit on my life? Sure.” He then adds, “That’s why I have an overnight with you, so we can talk about a lot of things.” So Juan Pablo’s plan is to use their time together in the Fantasy Suite to get to know Andi better and determine if she will be a good mother. That Juan Pablo is such a standup guy. Andi is on Cloud 9 and says yes. Fool.
The next morning Juan Pablo wakes up very happy. “We had a great night together. We freakin’ talked and laughed for hours. Hours. Like, HOURS ... Andi could be the one.”
Andi, on the other hand, apparently woke up in another suite, with another guy, on another island because she said, “Waking up this morning, I could not wait to get out of the Fantasy Suite.” Andi does the walk of shame down a long dusty road and continues her confession. “The Fantasy Suite turned into a nightmare. I saw a side to him that I didn’t really like, and the whole night was just a disaster.” Andi must have met the Juan Pablo that the rest of us have been watching all season because she looked as disgusted as we have been feeling.
Shockingly, Andi realized that Juan Pablo was a self-centered narcissist who only talked about himself, name dropped, talked about his night with Clare, has no filter and thinks that he can say whatever he wants and everyone will just fall in love with him. Andi, I see you’ve met Juan Pablo.
Andi is sad that it took her this long to figure out that Juan Pablo is a dog, and the moral of the story is always listen to your dad.
Neekee arrives for her horseback-riding date in palazzo pants and a fringe bikini top that barely covers her nipples. Juan Pablo finds her sexy and says he wishes she was wearing a thong while she rode the horse. Ew.
They ride to the beach, strip down to bathing suits and frolic in the waves. Neekee says she’s ready to be with him and that he is what she wants. Juan Pablo says “aye aye aye I can’t wait for tonight” and is hoping for a Fantasy Suite trifecta. He rubs her neck, plays with her hair and makes stupid faces. Finally he whips out the Fantasy Suite invite card and Neekee gladly forgoes her individual room.
Juan Pablo is really into Neekee because she is honest, pretty, sexy and cares about people. He rubs his thumb on her face, plays with her earlobe and asks what she is thinking. After hemming and hawing a bit she finally responds “I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t feel the way I do ... and I love you.” This makes Juan Pablo happy but makes me throw up a little in my mouth.
The next day, Juan Pablo tells Chris Harrison he is feeling good, which is an understatement given the amount of sex he has likely had over the past few days.
He watches the videos of the remaining women, which are pretty unremarkable until he gets to Andi’s tape, which starts out innocent enough but ends with her walking up the road behind him to share some of her thoughts. Yikes!
Juan Pablo sits next to Andi, unaware that he is about to get dumped on his linen ass. He annoyingly rubs her face and listens as she tells him that she realized she’s not in love with him and that she is leaving. He responds “Ees OK” which infuriates Andi.
What happens next is Andi’s hour long angry rant about what a louse he is, how he only cares about himself, how he never got to know her, the word "default" is said about 28 times, she calls him an honest "a--hole," complains that she missed weddings to be with him, yadda, yadda, yadda. I agree 100 percent with what Andi says about him, but I have to wonder why she wasted her time yelling at him. She should have just said “You are a jerk,” packed her bags and left with her head held high. Instead, although she was correct in what she said to him, the reason she said it was to position herself to be the next Bachelorette.
I am not defending Juan Pablo at all; I can’t stand him. But even during Desiree’s season it was clear that he is a womanizing horn-dog who is not looking for a wife. What makes him even sleazier is that he played the Cameeeella card all season. Andi should have dumped him the minute she got out of the limo and he said, “Oh, you are a lawyer. You must like to read.”
Andi eventually realizes that Juan Pablo is never going to agree that he is a douchebag and gets in the car and drives to the airport. He is very relieved that she is gone, and says there is no way he would take her back after that, proving once again that Andi was right and he is a pompous ass. Had she simply dumped him, he would have been upset, but after ripping him on national TV, he says “Am I disappointed? Maybe a little bit but I’m not going to argue with a lawyer.”
Looks to me you were just out-argued by a lawyer.
Chris Harrison escorts Clare and Neekee to the staging area and tells them that Andi has gone home, but he's going to let Juan Pablo explain why she left.
Does Juan Pablo admit Andi left because she realized he was a conceited jackass? Of course not. He tells the girls that Andi left because she didn’t have strong feelings for him and wanted to go home. He explains that he is hurt but he can’t force someone to like him. Neekee looks a little skeptical. Clare bought his line of crap hook, line and sinker.
He tells them he will understand if they don’t want to accept theesse rose. Shockingly, both Neekee and Clare do.
Next week: The women tell all.Copyright © 2015, The Baltimore Sun