ANDI

Andi, getting used to walking away. (Guy D'Alema / ABC / October 27, 2013)

It’s Fantasy Suite time, aka the night that you show the world that you are easy and will sleep with a guy who will also be sleeping with two other women.

Juan Pablo is walking around St. Lucia in a mint green shirt and white shorts, biding his time until he can get some quality alone time with his three remaining ladies: Clare, Neekee and Andi. He says with a twinkle in his eyes that he is “going to get a chance to talk to the girls with privacy ... all the time we want, no cameras. Perfect.” 

Talking. Yeah right.

Fortunately St. Lucia is the perfect place to fall in love as opposed to all the other perfect places to fall in love that they have visited over the past few weeks.

Clare

Clare arrives in St. Lucia and annoyingly coos “if you told me a year ago that I would be standing here with the man of my dreams, falling in love, there’s no way I would believe you.” She is convinced that Juan Pablo is perfect and is thrilled that it is finally time for her “love story” to come true.

Clare and Juan Pablo spend the day on a yacht. Clare actually spends the day on top of Juan Pablo while the camera man provides us unnecessary shots up Clare’s dress. Juan Pablo declares “dees is freeking beautiful” as they jump off the yacht and frolic in the warm water.

Clare spends all day and most of the night pretending to be mulling over whether or not she will spend the night with Juan Pablo in the Fantasy Suite. Who is she kidding? We all know that despite her PTSD from her time in ‘Nam, she is not going to pass up a chance to frolic with Juan Pablo sans cameras and Cameeeellla’s prying eyes. 

During dinner in a treehouse, Clare wants to talk about meeting Cameeeelllla, but Juan Pablo would rather talk about Clare forgoing her individual room and spending the night with him in the fantasy suite. He whips out the standard “Chris Harrison Fantasy Suite Card,” hands Clare the key and says “aye what do you want to do?”  

When she brings up his “we made a mistake in Vietnam” speech and tells him she doesn’t want to bring any more shame on Cameeeellla, he pretends to listen to her concerns but tells her with a shrug “These ees what it ees.”

Clare “really, really, really” wants to spend more time with him so she gives in and convinces herself that she is doing the right thing. “Since the day he blindfolded me in the car and told me to trust him and he hasn’t given me a reason not to.” Except the time that he called you out on your 4 a.m. booty call and embarrassed you by telling you that you weren’t a good role model for his daughter.

Big sigh. Some people never learn. 

Once in the Fantasy Suite, he toasts, “Tomorrow we will wake up and know a lot more about each other.” I bet you will. They sit and talk for a little while. He tells her she is cute and plays with her ear and grabs her nose. She drops the L-bomb by saying, “I’m falling in love with you.” He continues to play “got your nose” and “hide the tongue in your mouth” and Clare is oblivious to the fact that she is being played like a grand piano. 

Next stop: The hot tub, where Juan Pablo continues to slobber all over her. She says she wants babies and marriage (in that order) and that she trusts him. SMH. 

The next morning Juan Pablo says his sleepover with Clare was great and that they spent the night “just laying and talking and cuddling.” Sure you did. Was that before or after your braided each other’s hair and played with the Ouija board?

Andi 

After Clare, it’s Andi’s turn. Their date consists of playing steel drums in a village, creeping out a young local boy and making him drink juice and playing a pick up game of soccer on the beach.

After they are done annoying the locals, they jump in a land buggy and go for a ride into the jungle and have a picnic next to a waterfall. Didn’t they already have this date?

They sit under waterfall and Juan Pablo thinks she is “wife material.” I guess waterfalls are their thing.

Later that night, Juan Pablo thinks Andi could be the one, but is concerned that he misunderstood her during the hometown date when she said that she “really badly wanted to fall in love.” He says he doesn’t want her to force things because “nothing that is forced will work.” Using her sharp prosecutor skills she explains that there is a difference between “wanting it badly” and “forcing it.” Juan Pablo accepts that answer because he really doesn’t care and is only making conversation as an introduction to asking her to spend the night in the Fantasy Suite.