This proved a big week for Clare in her pursuit of Juan Pablo. (Craig Sjodin / ABC / September 15, 2013)

Welcome to my Episode 5 recapo. We are in Vietnam, and Juan Pablo sails down a river that looks like a cesspool while he reflects upon his "adventura."

“I’ve got 11 girls left,” he says, promising that he will keep his eyes open and focus on the ladies he hasn’t spent much time with.

The ladies "ooohh" and "ahhhh" as they check into their hotel. Nikki admits she was the cause of some tension last week; she hopes to put it all behind her, but desperately wants a one-on-one date. Looks like you will have to wait a little while Nikki, because the first date card, which reads “Are We The Right Fit,” is for House Mom/Therapist/Single Mom/Dr. Phil Wannabe Renee.

Renee is so excited to get the first date. She admits that she feels butterflies and that Juan Pablo makes her palms hurt, which I guess for Renee is a sign of true love. Personally, I think she should see a doctor about her painful palms.

Renee is hoping that she will finally get to kiss Juan Pablo, because Vietnam is the perfect setting for a first kiss. Renee clearly didn’t make that statement while staring at the diarrhea-colored river.


Juan Pablo and Renee meet on the streets of Hoi An and after an awkward hug and bicep rub, start walking hand-in-hand. After walking the streets for a while, Juan Pablo pedals Renee around in a pedicab, which is basically a large yellow stroller. Juan Pablo says Renee is so “cuuuuute” and he likes her because she is just like him -- a 32-year-old single parent (which is the only thing they have in common).

Juan Pablo is sweating after pedaling Renee around, and they finally arrive at their destination -- dress shopping for a tailor-made dress. Renee gushes about how much she likes him and how impressed she is that Juan Pablo was so thoughtful that he came up with the idea of making her a dress. As if Juan Pablo actually came up with that idea himself.

Renee picks out some purple fabric. Juan Pablo is particularly interested when the tailor measures Renee’s breasts. According to Renee, dress-shopping is amazing and is the perfect setting to fall in love. Renee has obviously never been dress shopping with my husband.

Renee is really smitten after Juan Pablo buys a fan and fans her because she is sweating profusely. Apparently, he makes her feel confident, beautiful, and sweaty.

They shop for gifts for Cameeeellla and Ben, the children who are so important to them that they abandoned them to go on a reality show. Renee is extremely touched that Juan Pablo bought Ben a stupid hat that he will never wear.

They board a boat and drink beer, but the boat doesn’t actually go anywhere. It just sits there at the dock in the brown industrial-waste water. Much to Renee’s dismay, they don’t kiss.

Later that night, Renee arrives for dinner in her new custom purple dress. They dine at a restaurant with lanterns and candles and Juan Pablo asks Renee about Ben’s dad.

Juan Pablo thinks Renee is a good mom, despite the fact that she abandoned her son and is in Vietnam with a stranger. Renee desperately wants a kiss, but Juan Pablo has too much respect for her and her son. I guess he didn’t have respect for Cassandra or her son Trey a few weeks ago.

Juan Pablo decides that he really likes Renee and really likes the dress. He asks her, “will you esssept theese rose.” She says yes, of course.

After dinner, they find lit-up Chinese food containers floating in the toilet water river and make a wish. Her wish is for a kiss. Just give it up Renee, it’s not gonna happen.


Back at the hotel, the group date card arrives and asks Sharleen, Chelsie, Cassandra, Kat, Clair, Kelly, Alli, Danielle, and Andi, “Can You Go With The Flow?”

Andi, who wanted to go out with Juan Pablo “twice on Sunday,” is mad and starts questioning what she is doing there if she isn’t getting one-on-one dates. Well, Andi, it looks like you are going to get to spend some quality one-on-one time with the lady of your choice, as you and a partner ride around in some bamboo bumper boat, half-coconut-looking thing on your group date.

Each boat holds two people. While each of the ladies grabs her BFF, Clare, who according to Kelly the Dog Lover has no friends, jumps in her bamboo tea cup with Juan  Pablo. While the other ladies splash the brown toilet water at each other and giggle as they go in circles, Juan Pablo and Clare row into some tall reeds where he leans in and plants a big kiss on her, once again breaking Sean’s number-one rule about kissing in front of the other girls.