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'The Bachelor' recap: I Juant You to Juant Me

Fitness

DISCLAIMER: Before we discuss what is so very wrong with tonight’s episode, I would like to address el elefante in the room.

Recently, Juan Pablo made some very disturbing comments concerning the possibility of a gay Bachelor. I do not care to repeat his comments nor bring attention to them, other than to say that I do not share in or condone his opinions. Juan Pablo has apologized for his statements, explaining that his words were misconstrued because of a language barrier. Good try, Juan Pablo, but we heard you loud and clear. Now that I got that off my chest

First Juan-on-One Date

Chris Harrison arrives at the mansion wearing a really ugly two-tone blue shirt and announces that the first one-on-one date, entitled “Love Is A Wild Ride,” will go to 21-year-old, single-mom-with-a-long-neck, NBA dancer Cassandra

Juan Pablo arrives at the mansion in an open-top converted Jeep. Cassandra bounces out in an orange romper that she borrowed from Cameeeelllla, jumps in the Jeep and says that she hasn’t had a first date since she was 18. That is probably because she has been pregnant and nursing since then. As they drive along, Cassandra squeals, claps her hands, raises her arms and yells “wheeee.” Juan Pablo probably thinks it’s his regular Friday visit with Cameeeeeelllla

At the water, Juan Pablo does his best 007 impression and drives INTO the water. The car turns into a speed boat and Juan Pablo will live to date another day. They zip across the water in the Jeep/boat thing and passers-by want to know how fast it can go. Juan Pablo replies “very fast.”

They pull the Jeep/boat thing up to a waiting yacht, board the yacht, then jump off the yacht. YAWN

Back at the mansion, Renee has forgotten that this is a competition; she is holding therapy sessions for all the other women who are totally stressed out that Juan Pablo is dating other people

Night falls on Cassandra and Juan Pablo’s date and our lovebirds find themselves back at his place cooking dinner (Mamma y Pappa have taken Cameeeeeelllla out for the night). Juan Pablo drinks water while Cassandra drinks wine, which may actually be her first legal drink. They salsa dance for a little, then eat chocolate by the fire.

Fortunately, Cassandra brought about 100 pictures of her two-year-old son, because once they establish that Juan Pablo does not want to eat malted milk balls, they have absolutely nothing to talk about. Despite their age difference and lack of chemistry, Juan Pablo gives her the date rose because she is a good mom. I think he knows that she is a good mom by the way she lovingly kisses him on the forehead, all the while making sure he isn’t running a fever

Group Date: Juan-on-Diez

The Group Date card arrives and invites Kelly, Renee, Sharlene, Danielle, Alli, Lauren, Christy, Lucy, Andi and Nikki to “Let’s Kick It.” Uh Duh, I wonder what THAT could possibly mean? Maybe they are going to play soccer?

Ding Ding Ding, soccer it is!

Juan Pablo has a great theory that he will get to know the girls better by watching them play soccer. The girls arrive in various hues of pastel tanks, and Alli whips out the cleats she wore under her dress the first night out of the limo (she just knew those were going to come in handy). Sharleen admits she has never worn a pair of cleats in her life, but at least her updo is now in two braids and she looks less like an opera singer and more like an uptight Pippi Longstocking

During the warmup, it quickly becomes clear that some girls are better than others, and that Kelly’s strategy is to pray for a broken leg or a nose. The girls are divided into ywo teams, red and blue. I can’t tell you which girl was on which team because they all still look exactly the same to me.

In the end, Lucy wore clothes, Nikki was very competitive and Juan Pablo proved that he can play soccer better than any of the girls. I have no idea which team won. My only commentary about the game is that not one person, Juan Pablo included, thought that each team would have benefitted from a goalie

Despite the ladies' exhaustion from all that physical activity and balls across the face, there is no rest for the winners or losers; they are all invited to return to the stadium for the evening portion of the date, which consists of spending time with Juan Pablo in various areas around the soccer stadium.

Nikki sits in some seats with Juan Pablo and asks him about his biggest fear. His response should have been “making stupid remarks to the media.” Instead, he says he likes her vibe and that she is sexy. Nikki rambles on and on, babbling about nothing and sounding a lot like Charlie Brown’s teacher, so I just tuned her right out

Andi the prosecutor is the next lucky lady to get some one-on-one time, and she says that although he is easy to look at, she believes there is a whole lot more to him. I hate to be the one to tell you this, Andi, but Juan Pablo is as dumb as a rock. In the end, all she gets is a Coke and a smile, plus a kiss against the freezer in the concession area (which smells like hot dogs and stale beer)

Now it’s time for Sharleen to have some Juan-on-Juan time. Juan Pablo takes Sharleen to the center of the soccer stadium under the watchful eyes of the other mome ladies (despite Sean Lowe’s warnings), lays out a picnic blanket and tells her that she has class. Despite the fact that Andi’s saliva isn’t even dry on his lips yet, Juan Pablo reaches in for a kiss and we are forced to watch the worst kiss in "Bachelor" history.

Sharleen, who has done a 180 and is now hot for Juan Pablo, realizes that she better do something fast or she will be on the next train to Canada/Germany ASAP. She reaches over and attempts to give him a real kiss, but instead we are treated to her open mouth, sloppy tongue, gross kiss. Epic Kiss Fail! That was the second worst kiss in "Bachelor" history, but Sharleen doesn’t see it that way and is pretty satisfied that she will get the group-date rose.

In the end, the Group-Date Rose goes to Nikki, the only one who didn’t leave snail-like saliva marks across Juan Pablo’s face.

Second Juan-on-Juan Date

The second one-on-one date card arrives and asks Chelsie, “Do You Trust Me?” Elise is very unhappy that her significantly younger -- and by that, I mean two-years-younger -- archenemy Chelsie got the date. Elise shows her hard-gained maturity by spending countless hours whining to anyone who will listen that Chelsie is too young, seems like a baby and isn’t ready to be a step-mom.

Not deterred by Elise’s two-year maturity advantage, Chelsie hops in Juan Pablo’s car, singing  and car-dancing to Spanish music despite not knowing the words. Their first stop is a Venezuelan restaurant, where they fill up on fried foods so delicious that they take some to go. They walk to their next destination, still eating and drinking out of cardboard boxes, and arrive at their next activity: Bungee Jumping from the top of a bridge.

Upon seeing “the high dive on crack,” Chelise gets very nervous and exclaims that she has never jumped off a large object before. I guess Chelsie spends all her time jumping off small objects. I’m thinking that the Venezuelan food probably wasn’t a good idea, and it’s just a matter of time before it is splattered all over Juan Pablo.

Instead of saying “NO WAY AM I JUMPING OFF THIS BRIDGE,” Chelsie stands on the edge of the platform, whining, crying, whimpering and hiding her face in Juan Pablo’s chest. Juan Pablo tells her “It’s OK,” “I’m here” and my personal favorite, “Just do it for me,” like a 17-year-old boy in the back of a car on prom night.

After begging for hours, which could be considered foreplay for some couples, Chelsie eventually gives in and takes the plunge. The jump ends happily, with Juan Pablo and Chelsie sharing their first kiss while hanging upside down by their ankles.

No tandem bridge jump would be complete without a love metaphor, and Chelsie doesn’t let us down. “I think if we can jump off a bridge together, we can pretty much get through anything.” Chelsie has proven that she trusts Juan Pablo, which I don’t understand; it’s not like Juan Pablo secured the harnesses or tied the knots around their ankles -- now THAT would be trust!

Over dinner, Chelsie asks Juan Pablo about his fears. He replies that he fears not being an example to his daughter. HMMMM.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Elise is being a bad example by continuously trash-talking Chelsie. Kat can barely contain an eye-roll and points out to Elise that Chelsie is only a couple of years younger than 27-year-old Elise. Elise is not deterred and continues with the “Chelsie is too young” campaign, like whatever she says to the women will make any difference to Juan Pablo.

Despite Elise’s concerns about Chelsie’s age, Juan Pablo thinks that she is “wife material.” She gets the rose and a private concert by Billy Currington, which is perfect for Chelsie -- she actually knows the words to his songs.

Breakfast and Pool Party

Juan Pablo arrives early in the morning, fresh from a trip to the grocery store. He wants to make the ladies breakfast and see them with “no makeup, no hair done.” He starts cooking and Kelly comes down first, hair in pony tail, no make-up, thick glasses and no bra. Upon seeing Juan Pablo, Kelly moans, hides her face and runs up the stairs to “put her face on.” Renee walks in and announces that she hasn’t even brushed her teeth yet and Juan Pablo likes that she is a natural. No Juan Pablo, that is called being a mother, because we don’t have time to worry about things like make-up or showering or other luxuries.

After breakfast, Juan Pablo announces “Chris Harrison-style” that in lieu of a cocktail party, he would prefer a pool party, so he can see the girls in a more natural state: their natural white teeth, their natural tans, their natural blonde hair and their natural breasts all make an appearance. What ensues is lots of cannon balls, splashing and overflowing breasts in two-sizes-too-small bikini tops.

Kat wants to position herself well during this pool party, and does so by climbing on Juan Pablo’s shoulders, neck-humping him with her crotch while her bongos play “Babaloo” on his head. Dog-lover Kelly sneers and gets catty when she calls Kat a whore, but really is just mad that she didn’t think of climbing on Juan Pablo first.

Sharleen is starting to feel out of her element and complains how people change when the cameras are around. Has she not seen this show before? Clare is jealous that she hasn’t had any time with Juan Pablo all week and I’m starting to wonder if any of these women actually understand the premise of this show.

Sharleen takes Juan Pablo aside and tells him that she’s not sure she is right for this and that the cameras are invading her soul, which is pretty much her way of making him feel bad because she signed up for a televised dating show. She tells him her soul wants to be left alone, then starts crying and snotting into his shirt. He mumbles some words of reassurance and Sharleen’s soul immediately perks up! Sharlene kisses Juan Pablo while the hens at the pool cackle and call her a bitch.

Clare is so distraught when she sees Sharleen and Juan Pablo together that she runs to the bathroom crying. House therapist Renee follows her in and soothes her troubled heart. Renee needs to start carrying an appointment book and accepting Obamacare. Renee correctly diagnoses Clare with “First Date Curse” and suggests that she spend some time with Juan Pablo, once again forgetting that she is competing against this woman.

Rose Ceremony

The moment we have been waiting two hours for. Nikki, Chelsie and Cassandra have roses and the remaining roses go to:

Andi, Renee, Kelly, Sharleen, Elise, Kat, Alli, Clare, Lauren and Danielle, who looks like she just got out of the pool, towel dried her hair and threw on a dress.  Lucy and her dirty feet are sent home, as is some blonde girl whose name I didn’t know until her exit interview. In case you are wondering, her name is Christy but don’t bother remembering it.

Copyright © 2014, The Baltimore Sun
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