Hola rose lovers, and welcome to Hometown Dates.
This is the week we get a glimpse into the people who spawned and reared the type of women who go on a reality dating show to find a husband. We are down to the final four ladies: Neekee, Andi, Clare and Renee. I won’t lie to you; this episode was really boring and if you haven’t watch it yet, you will thank me for saving you two hours.
We start in Neekee’s hometown of Kansas City, with a shot of some random cows mooing and Neekee running across a park and into Juan Pablo’s arms. Neekee is excited to bring Juan Pablo to the midwest, and is hoping to bring out the cowboy in him. Their first stop is “Oklahoma Joe’s” for some “gas station BBQ” which doesn’t sound very appetizing but looks delicious. Juan Pablo looks quizzically at the ribs and acts like he has never had BBQ chicken and ribs before. I’m pretty sure they have BBQ in Miami.
Next they go to an empty bar so el bachelor can prove his inner cowboy by riding a mechanical bull. How do you say “yee-haw!” in spanish? Juan Pablo barely holds on but Neekee is impressed and thinks he’s the next Urban Cowboy. Neekee wants to tell him she loves him, but can’t get the words out. Instead they ride the bull together until they “fall off” and her tongue lands in his mouth.
At Neekee’s hous, the two are greeted by Dad Tom, Mom Jennifer, some brothers and a wife. Dad Tom is wearing a sensible green sweater and makes Juan Pablo feel right at home when he toasts to Neekee and Juan Pablo’s new relationship. Dad Tom obviously doesn’t know how his daughter has been portrayed.
Mom pulls Neekee aside for a mother/daughter chat. Neekee tells her mom that she loves Juan Pablo but is waiting for right moment to tell him. I guess fighting with Clare about who paid the hotel bill last week didn’t leave enough time for “I love you.”
Mom Jennifer looks less than thrilled as she pulls on her hair and says she will support Neekee’s nuptials if Juan Pablo gets down on one knee and proposes.
Dad Tom sits down with Juan Pablo and tells him that if he isn’t 100 percent certain of his feelings for Neekee, please don’t ask her to marry him. Juan Pablo distracts Dad Tom with a lot of random hand gestures and Dad Tom is easily swayed and says they will accept him if he proposes. Dad Tom is an idiot.
Eventually Dad Tom questions Neekee about her feelings for Juan Pablo. She says she can’t put finger on her feelings for him, but explains that “it’s magical.” Words are not Neekee’s strong point unless she’s bitching out Clare.
Dad Tom shows zero emotion and seems more like he is reading lines off a cue card than giving his daughter’s suitor his blessing. Neekee’s family is sweet and about as exciting as watching paint dry, and everyone is wondering how such nice people raised such a nasty daughter.
Neekee and Juan Pablo stand at the front door kissing until the limo driver decides he has better things to do and starts the car, signaling the end of the date. At least he didn’t honk the horn and yell out the window “get the f--- in the car already.” Juan Pablo says goodnight and drives off, and Neekee loses another opportunity to tell him that she loves him.
Next up is Andi, who is really rocking the ombre down in Atlanta. Seriously, that is one really outdated ombre she has going on.
They meet in a park, run past some ducks, hug, he says “aye, there is a connection and chemistry” and they go to a shooting range where she fires an automatic weapon directly into the bullseye. Juan Pablo on the other hand uses a little wussy gun and after 737 rounds of ammo finally hits the target. His prize? He gets to meet her family. This should have been some kind of warning to Juan Pablo. Needless to say, Andi is someone to feared; emotionally insecure and armed and dangerous is not a pretty combination.
Andi is excited to see her family, but says that she is panicking inside because her family can be a little skeptical, which means that they have half a brain. Andi says she is waiting to fall in love with Juan Pablo and her family’s approval (or disapproval) could be the tipping point. Hopefully Juan Pablo brought the gun with him.
The family has hung a sign on the front door that reads “Welcome Home Pookie.” Funny, Juan Pablo doesn’t ask “waaas this meean pookie?” Mom Patti runs to greet her, with Dad Hy and Sister Rachel in tow.
It is abundantly clear from the start that no one is impressed with Juan Pablo. In fact, Dad Hy is so clearly disgusted that his Assistant District Attorney daughter is dating a guy who is dating 3 other women that he repeatedly wipes the sweat off of his forehead as he listens to Andi as she recalls their “adventura.” Despite Andi’s best efforts to tell her family about how much fun they have had, Dad Hy is a big fat Debbie Downer and keeps reminding Andi how many other girls were on the date with them.
During dinner, Dad Hy shovels meat in his mouth, gulps wine and shoots disapproving looks at Juan Pablo. Mom Patti takes Juan Pablo outside to talk, and he hopes that she “esspets” him. Juan Pablo again ‘splains his feelings with feverous hand gestures. Next think you know Mom Patti is asking Juan Pablo to teach her to salsa, and Juan Pablo grabs Andi and grinds on her in front of Mom Patti. Eventually Juan Pablo throws Mom Patti a bone and takes her for a few spins around the deck.
Everything is going nicely until Dad Hy sits down and asks “is it Juan or Juan Pablo?” El Bachelor responds “Ees Jhuapalo.” Hy should have just called him Juan Crapo at this point. Anyway, whatever your name is, can you answer the following question: "What in the world made you go on this show?”