'The Bachelor'

Kacie pours her heart out to Ben. Fortunately for him, there is Champagne. (ABC)

“It took every freaking fiber of my being to not spring across the room and punch her in the face.”

For the past few weeks, ABC has teased us with previews of the ladies ganging up on Courtney (“The Model”) and tattling to Ben about her fishy behavior. It’s finally happening — this is the episode!

At Least They Jumped

Sarah: Ben picked up Lindzi (“Horse Girl”) — on a helicopter — for a tour of Belize. They upped the ante this time and jumped out of it, though they landed in the ocean instead of a live volcano. This season has cured my fear of helicopters — if girls this dumb don’t get a limb cut off by a helicopter, I think I’ll be safe.

Chris: Ben shows up for the date in a classy wifebeater — is this fashion choice foreshadowing his future relationship with the “lucky” lady? Later they write a barf-worthy story and stuff it into a bottle. Apparently they don’t give a hoot because they pollute.

Lobster Killers

Sarah: Though not a vegetarian, I didn’t enjoy watching Ben and Emily (“Epidemiologist”) hunt lobsters and rip their legs off while they were still alive.

Chris: For being a PhD student, Emily is fairly naïve to think that the lobster diving was a spur-of-the-moment decision. Conveniently they approach the one fisherman who speaks English. Ben’s monkey-face was less than enthused when Emily invited him to meet her family.

Pouty Date

Sarah: I didn’t realize “The Bachelor” had the power to shut down Lamanai Maya Ruins to the public so that Courtney could pout and complain to Ben while picnicking on the top. By the way, Ben, red flag! Courtney talks about not getting along with any of the ladies in the house, and when you ask her if she has any girlfriends at home, her response is that she has a lot of good guys friends. These kinds of girls are not nice!

Chris: Courtney admits that their post-coital spark is gone. She’s the only one who hasn’t fawned over Ben the entire season, so that’s probably while he’s interested in her.

Swimming with the Sharks

Sarah: I can’t think of a better way to start off a yachting trip than throwing chum in the water before a swim. After swimming with dangerous bottom-dwelling nurse sharks, they head back to the hotel for poolside drinks. Finally, the awkward silence sets in when Ben mentions Courtney! Kacie B. (“Baton”) gets a rose for pouring her heart out in the hot tub.

Chris: They remind me of the women who write letters to and fall in love with men in prison — desperate, sad and out of touch with reality. It’s like they all have Stockholm syndrome.

If Death Stares Could Really Kill

Sarah: Chris Harrison announces that Ben doesn’t want a cocktail hour, so the ladies proceed straight to the rose ceremony. I felt misled by the previews — I was hoping for a group confrontation with Ben and Courtney. Before the ceremony begins, Ben takes Courtney aside and asks her if she’s in this for the right reasons. What exactly are the “right reasons?”

Chris: She’s in it for the fame, which is the only logical reason to come on “The Bachelor.”

Shocking Results

Sarah: I actually jumped from my chair twice — Nicki (“Divorce”) got a rose? Ben sent Emily home? Sorry it didn’t work out, Rachel (“Snaggletooth/Rice Cake”); at least you got that tooth fixed.

The Final Four

Courtney, 28: “Model” — Placing our bets now for a spot in the final two.

Kacie B, 24: “Baton” — She poured her heart out too soon. He’ll break it in the next episode.

Lindzi C, 27: “Horse Girl” — She’s our pick to win it all.

Nicki, 26: “Divorce” — She’ll get sent home on the next episode. He had to keep her because Emily had to go.