“Chris Harrison Shows Up Only When There’s Something Strange Going On”
While discussing “The Bachelor” with friends this weekend, we discovered something unnerving about Emily (“Epidemiologist”): Though she is currently a University of North Carolina Chapel Hill PhD student, she went to Duke University for her undergraduate degree. What kind of person does that?!
This week, the ladies travel to Panama City — a tropical destination with beach water that rivals the clarity of Baltimore’s Inner Harbor.
Lame Deserted-Island Wish Items
Sarah: Ben takes Kacie B. (“Baton Twirler”) on a helicopter ride (shocker) to an uninhabited island. They pillage the island of its natural resources and laugh between extended periods of silence. After a commercial break, they eat dinner that thankfully didn’t include endangered fish species. Kacie B. admits to having an eating disorder as a teen.
Chris: The adventure date was lame and scripted, but still 10 times more interesting than an episode of “Lost.” If I had access to all those delicious free dinners, I’d be shoving my pie hole instead of making stupid small talk.
This Should Be Like 'Lord of the Flies'
Sarah: After taking a tiny boat through deadly-creature-with-big-teeth-infested waters, they arrive at Embera Village. They dress in traditional attire — loincloths and beaded bikini tops — and participate in tribal dancing. Everyone wears a bathing suit top underneath the barely there beaded top — except Courtney (“Model”). Not even the residents needed a black bar to hide their parts.
Chris: I wonder how much it cost ABC to keep that black bar on point with Courtney’s dancing. I’m glad Emily finally decided to stop meddling and apologized to Courtney. Now they can have a nose-scrunching contest. Who farted?
Finally, a Two-on-One Date
Sarah: I’m glad Blakely (“Vivian Ward”) and Rachel (“Rice Cake”) were chosen for this two-on-one date — sending either one home would be a good choice. After agonizing Latin dance lessons and a less-than-exciting awkward dinner, Ben gives Rachel the rose.
Chris: I don’t know why Blakely’s creepy scrapbook didn’t win Ben over. Maybe a doll made out of his hair would have been more effective.
Sarah: Casey S. (“Jane Fonda”) is still in love with her ex-boyfriend. After she reveals the details to Ben, he sends her packing. Her long hug with Chris Harrison made me strangely envious.
Chris: The intensity of her tears made me think that one of her parents had died.
The Rose Ceremony
Sarah: Jamie (“Party of Five”) is too sweet and innocent to act like Courtney, so she only creeps Ben out when she jumps on him. She goes home without a rose.
Chris: Can the girls taste each other's lipstick when they kiss Ben one after the other?
The Remaining Ladies
Courtney, 28: “Model” — it never hurts to show your boobs on a date.
Emily, 27: “Epidemiologist” — go back to Duke!
Kacie B, 24: “Baton” — she’s going to be around for a while. Let’s shorten her name to “Baton” — get it? That’s what the B stands for!
Lindzi C, 27: “Horse Girl” — she’s the most attractive girl left. Let’s see if she can knock Courtney down.
Nicki, 26: “Divorce” — she’ll get kicked off on the next episode.
Rachel, 27: “Rice Cake” — did she have darker hair at the beginning of this season? I wish they would show this mysterious makeover episode.Copyright © 2014, The Baltimore Sun