'The Bachelor'

On their first one-on-one date, Jennifer (aka Andre the Giant) and Ben rappel into a crater, where they drop into the water and kiss. That's followed by a rain-soaked outdoor dinner and a concert by Clay Walker. (ABC)

“It’s time for the nitty gritty.”

After the heartbreaking Ravens’ loss, for Baltimoreans, Park City, Utah sounds like a great place to hide away. On Episode 4, the ladies traveled to the mountains with Ben and wallowed in amazing self-pity to rival that of the ultimate Ravens’ fan.

Snaggle Tooth Snags Ben

Sarah: Between all the crying and fighting, where did Rachel find the time to get her snaggle tooth filed down? Her new smile looks great, but she ruined it by wearing that huge black bra under her white tank top.

Chris: All the girls are jealous when Ben and Rachel leave for their date on a helicopter. Everyone leaves on a helicopter — that’s all they do on that show! The date consisted of lunch by a lake, dinner by a fire and a lot of weather talk. Rachel has the personality of a rice cake (her new nickname). If she can’t hold a decent conversation, she should at least play up her assets, like those sneaky big t’s.

Model Catches Fish, Ruins Group Date

Sarah: The ladies go horseback riding and fly-fishing. It takes a certain kind of intelligence for those two activities — an intelligence that none of them possesses. Ben must realize this because every time he says the word “women” it sounds like he’s referring to a flock of sheep. Then after Samantha (“Sash”) questions him as to why she hasn’t gotten a one-on-one date yet, he scolds her for not being laidback enough and kicks her off the group date! Cocky as hell, but way to get some balls and break the rules. He gives Courtney (“Model”) the rose after she pretends to be upset and vulnerable.

Chris: Women should not wear hats, not even baseball hats, ever. I would rather a woman wear a colostomy bag on a date.

Andre the Giant Descends the Black Hole

Sarah: This is like one of those random activities at honeymoon resorts — rapelling into a crater while wearing only a bathing suit and a helmet.

Chris: Kissing and slow dancing at concerts is sickening and everything that is wrong with our country. If crater swimming and a Clay Walker concert made this the best day of her life, she must be living an awfully sad life.

Love, Really?

Sarah: It’s easy for the girls to fall in love with Ben when he takes them on exotic dates and whisks them around the country. To see if their love is real, he should cook them dinner in a studio apartment and then use the bathroom with the door open.

Chris: All the girls assume he’s the perfect guy after knowing him for two weeks. Do you know who else seemed like a perfect guy at first? Ted Bundy! At least I don’t think Ben’s a biter.

One More Down

Sarah: Each week the contestants take turns hating a specific girl. Last week it was Blakely (“Vivian Ward”); now it’s Courtney (“Model”). The girls most gossiped about are usually the most attractive and aggressive — and the bachelor will pick them every time. Emily badmouths Courtney to Ben. Ben scolds Emily. He gives her a rose, though the previews for next week show that she doesn’t ease up on the Model.

Chris: Skinniest tie yet, Mr. Flajnik! I can’t believe they’ve only been together for two weeks and everyone is already going bonkers. Monica (“Cackler”) gets the boot and cries, even though she didn’t seem interested in him at all. At least she has a short ride home to Salt Lake City.

The Remaining Ladies

Blakely, 34: “Vivian Ward”—her chin rivals Bill Cowher’s mug.

Casey S, 26: “Jane Fonda”—did you see that blouse/pajama dress she was wearing? Ick.

Courtney, 28: “Model”—seems more seasoned in the dating scene than the other girls, probably due to her dating 50-year-old men since her teenage years.

Elyse, 24: “Mean Mugger”—this girl has no redeeming qualities, she won’t last long.

Emily, 27: “Epidemiologist”—she needs to keep her trap shut and look good!

Jamie, 25: “Party of Five” — wait, she’s still here?

Jennifer, 28: “Andre the Giant”

Kacie B, 24: “Baton Twirler”

Lindzi C, 27: “Horse Girl”

Nicki, 26: “Divorce”

Rachel, 27: “Rice Cake”—previously known as “Snaggle Tooth”