Kelly is excited about this date, because it’s either a photo shoot or a cheese-eating contest, and either way she’s good and has it covered. Victoria is nervous because she just realized that all these women are here to date the same guy and she’s worried that this will turn into a horror show. Or did she say whore show? Either way, she is right. Lucy’s strategy is to lift her shirt and lead with her breasts as opposed to her dirty feet.
The limo arrives at an abandoned garage and as Juan Pablo lifts the metal door and leads them in, they are told they will be taking pictures and “doing it for a good cuss.” Just what exactly is a “cuss?” Oh, you mean a good cause; I get it now.
The girls are then introduced to a “photographer” with a turquoise beard (I’m not so sure I trust that guy) who tells them that they are going to do the shoot in costume with dogs to help raise money for dogs in need. Apparently this “cuss” is for a charity that is so important to ABC that they don’t even bother to tell you the name, but rather tell you to go on ABC.com for more information.
Too bad Molly wasn’t invited. Maybe she would have found a husband; her odds are better than Kelly’s.
Each girl has been assigned a costume and a dog. Chelise looks like Cruella de Vil (which will probably scare the crap out of the dogs). Kelly the dog lover is spray-painted brown and looks like dog poop with white spots. Lucy, who borrowed someone’s shoes for this date, is dressed like a fire hydrant and is worried about being peed on. Cassandra is wearing a tiny dress that looks like it is made of Band-aids. Renee is dressed in an evening gown. Victoria is dressed as a lifeguard and pretends to give Juan Pablo CPR.
As ridiculous as the women look, they are much better off than Elise and Andi, whose costumes consist of small white rectangular signs that they are to hold in front of their naked lady parts. Andi the prosecutor, who has already proven that she is way too smart for Juan Pablo because she likes to read, is totally stressing out about this; she is not the girl who walks around naked. In fact, she reminds us that she is the girl who puts people in jail. I’m not sure what one thing has to do with another, but right about now Andi is feeling like her entire law school education is going down the pooper scooper.
Elise is also freaking out, because she knows that being naked will not make her a good role model to little Cameeelllla, nor will it impress the parents of her first-grade students back home.
After the photographer blows some smoke about how being naked in the shoot is in the best interest of the dogs, Elise shows that she is smarter that the average prosecutor and asks Free Spirit Lucy (who really likes being naked) if she will change costumes with her. Lucy is all too happy to hand over her fire hydrant outfit and go naked for the cause; she even takes a dog named Electra for a walk down the street completely naked to prove the point. Lucy is naked, not the dog.
While Juan Pablo is having a great time snuggling up to Renee and being rescued by lifeguard Victoria, Andi is sitting in the corner pouting about having to wear a sign. Eventually Juan Pablo comes in and sweet talks Andi into giving up her morals and her clothes with a promise that he too will be naked. That is all Andi needs to hear, and she agrees to pose naked with Lucy, Juan Pablo and his two furry friends. Oh and the two dogs too.
Fortunately for us, ABC blacked out all the pictures of Juan Pablo’s junk and Lucy and Andi’s lady parts. I’m not sure how these naked pictures will encourage people to adopt a shelter dog, and I told my daughters that if a man ever takes you to a garage in an alley and tells you that you will be taking naked pictures for charity, pull out the pepper spray and RUN.
Night falls and the group heads to a rooftop pool. All the ladies realize by now that their group date sucked and they want some one-on-one time with Juan Pablo. Cassandra takes him aside and tells him about her two-year-old son, Trey, which makes Juan Pablo so excited that he puts his hands over his mouth and squeals like a little girl.
It doesn’t seem to matter to Juan Pablo that Cassandra is only a few years older than little Cameeelllla -- he whispers sweet nothings in her ear that I’m sure she doesn’t understand. She is smitten despite the fact that he is old enough to be her father.
Renee, the other single mom, talks about her son, listens to Juan Pablo babble on about how Cameeeelllla dots her “i” and then unsuccessfully tries to kiss him. He is not interested and it looks to me like mama Renee has entered the dreaded friend zone. The evening drags on as each girl patiently waits her turn for some alone time with Juan Pablo. Except for Victoria, for whom “waiting patiently” means “pounding champagne.”
On a couch across the roof, Nikki the pediatric nurse tries to give Victoria and her blue fingernails some advice, telling her to “tone it down” because everyone knows she is hammered. Victoria denies being drunk and slurs “this is how I always am sober. I’m just fun sober and Juan Pablo likes fun. If Juan Pablo were mine, I would straddle him all day because life is about straddling people.”
Oh, so the key to happiness is straddling? Maybe she can put that on her match.com profile when she gets home. Then she adds this gem: “I’m not a dog, I’m just a bitch.” I bet to a drunk girl that makes a lot of sense. To the rest of us, not so much.
Nikki has given up on saving Victoria and decides to let Juan Pablo carry her to a mattress with some pillows that has been set up in the rocks somewhere on the roof. While Juan Pablo is trying to listen to Nikki’s heartbeat with an imaginary stethoscope, Victoria is in the pool, babbling to herself about straddling Juan Pablo and giving him the hymen maneuver because he is dying.
Victoria seems a little confused and must have forgotten that the hymen maneuver is what you use in the fantasy suite, not on a group date. Just when you think it couldn’t get any worse, Victoria asks whose leg she has to hump to get some one-on-one time with Juan Pablo. I can’t even watch this anymore.
Instead of just passing out like any good drunk girl should, Victoria turns into “crazy drunk girl” and goes on a booze-induced rampage to find her man. She stumbles across the rooftop and spots him sitting with Nikki. This now makes her “crazy pissed-off drunk girl” and no one wants to deal with that mess!
Upon seeing Juan Pablo and Nikki together, Victoria gives him the “oh no you didn’t” hand, runs off to the bathroom, locks herself in a stall and becomes “crazy pissed-off crying drunk girl.”
Renee, the self-appointed house mother (a/k/a Mrs. Garrett) crawls under the stall door and sits with Victoria, who has become “crazy pissed-off crying irrational drunk girl.” Whose idea was it to not include the psychiatric nurse on this group date? Victoria could use a shot of Demerol right about now.