Clare and Juan Pablo.

Clare and Juan Pablo. (Rick Rowell / ABC / September 20, 2013)

Hola, rosa lovers! Welcome to my recap-o of episode dos of "El Bachelor."

The 18 lucky ladies and Molly the dog move into the mansion. Molly, like many dogs before her, takes a few laps in the pool, and the ladies discuss that Clare, the fake baby bump hairdresser, will be going on the first Juan-on-Juan date.

First Juan-on-Juan Date

Clare is really excited about her date, entitled “Let’s Chill Out." Despite not going to bars, not participating in on-line dating and not even being out on a date in a long time, her expectations are low: “I know this sounds crazy, but this could be the first date with my future husband.”

I’m thinking this is not really the right venue for a girl who hasn’t dated in a while, but what do I know? I also thought the fake pregnancy was a bad idea.

Juan Pablo arrives at the mansion, blindfolds Clare and tells her he LOOOOVEEES surprises. Clare, who is now the envy of the 50 shades of drunk girl from Sean’s season, says that Juan Pablo smells like heaven in a bottle. Sorry, Clare, but what you are smelling is the expensive leather of that fabulous car and has nothing to do with Juan Pablo or heaven.

They arrive at their “dream” date, a winter wonderland in the middle of Los Angeles, complete with an ice skating rink and sledding on fake snow. Juan Pablo carries Clare out of the car, drops her on her ass on the ice and comments on how lucky he is to be in this magical fun winter wonderland. We in the rest of the country who just survived the polar vortex are not as impressed.

Clare pretends she doesn’t know how to ice skate and falls to the ice so that Juan Pablo has to hold her up. How do you say “get on your feet, woman!" in Spanish?

It doesn’t take much to awaken Clare’s dormant inner non-dating alter-ego; after three minutes of skating, she decides that Juan Pablo is the man of her dreams. Of course he is.

No Bachelor “winter wonderland” date would be complete without a romp in a hot tub. Juan Pablo and Clare slither in, get cozy and get to know each other in under two minutes. Clare describes this date as a “fairytale,” “perfect,” “magical,” “unreal” and, of course, “amazing.” She says he makes her comfortable and at ease despite the fact they they have barely said two words to each other the entire date.

Clare gives Juan Pablo the most pathetic back rub in the history of hot tub rubs and tells him all about her daddy issues. Instead of recognizing the dead daddy conversation as his cue to jump out of the hot tub and run, Juan Pablo pulls a rose from out of his armpit and asks “will you esspet theese rose.” Of course she says "yes," and we are treated to the first kiss of the season, during which there is no chemistry. Kissing Molly the dog would have been hotter.

As if this date wasn’t boring enough, Juan Pablo and Clare eventually get out of the hot tub, walk barefoot across the cold snow and -- to their surprise (NOT) -- are treated to the first unknown singer concert of the season. They dance in their wet bathing suits with their bodies pressed together and pretend they are cold. It “snows” and Clare says that she is looking forward to their journey. It’s not a journey, Clare, it’s an adventura!

Back at the mansion, the ladies are hanging around waiting for the next date card to arrive. Free-spirit Lucy not only forgot her shoes, but apparentrly she also forgot her bathing suit top, since she is standing topless in the pool with a bunch of other ladies, telling them that she doesn’t want to go on a one-on-one date because she does better in groups. In my opinion, group dating has always been the best strategy when trying to land a husband.

Molly the dog doubles as a postal officer and brings the next date card. Someone should call the ASPCA, because having Molly in a house with all those crazy women is definitely a form of animal abuse. At least Molly is cuter than the random coffee table that usually appears out of nowhere and delivers the date cards.

Second Juan-on-Juan

The second one-on-one date goes to Kat, and the card reads “I can feel the electricity.” I am hoping that someone will drop a blow dryer into the pool and push Kat in, but instead Juan Pablo arrives at the mansion and whisks her off to a private jet. Kat is so excited, thinking about her future with Juan Pablo and how she could really get used to jet-setting with her Latin lover. I’m sure that’s exactly the life you will lead back in Miami with “retired” Juan Pablo and little Cameeeelllla every Friday.

Kat is unaware of their destination ,but is hopeful that it will be somewhere private like New York City (proving that she knows nothing about New York City). Before they land, Juan Pablo hands her neon, flashing, light-up, LED-covered running attire and sneakers, and Kat finds herself at the start of a 5k in Salt Lake City. Kat is so excited to be on this special date; I guess she doesn’t realize that anyone can have the same experience in a city near them, including private, secluded New York City, for only $55 by simply signing up on 

The entire date consists of walking/jogging/dancing three miles in the dark with a large crowd of screaming strangers, then dancing on a stage in front of said screaming strangers. I can’t think of a better way to really get to know someone. Juan Pablo screams into the microphone, “Kat, will you esseept theeese rose?!” We are now two-for-two and Juan Pablo knows nothing about either girl.

Group Date

The group date card arrives and invites the lucky 13 to “Say Cheese.”  Chelsie, Christy, Kelly, Cassandra, Andi, Renee, Lauren, Alli, Chantel, Nikki, Elise, Victoria and Lucy hop into the limo and are off on their adventura.