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'Survivor: One World' recap: Episode 4, 'Bum Puzzled'

This has to be the most unlikable cast of "Survivor." Ever.

Is it just me, or were the previouslies super long tonight? Anyway, back from Tribal Council, Michael is very derisive about the Misfit Alliance voting out a "strong guy." Yes, they should have kept Matt and just waited for your alliance to pick them off one by one. And Colton will be happy, because apparently Bill is on the block next, for having the one-two punch of being both likeable and strong. That does usually paint a big ‘ole target on your back in "Survivor."

At Salani, the women are enjoying a lovely breakfast of snails. Hey, the French call that escargot and people pay a fortune for it. The men try to gain use of the fishing net, but they don’t realize that they need to kiss the women’s butts for it. They don’t care if you’ll give them 50 percent of what you catch. It’s their net, and they get 100% of what they catch, plus you go without protein.

Challenge time! It looks like slingshot bingo. The winners get a choice of three rewards: comfort, protection or luxury. Comfort is pillows and blankets, protection is a tarp (which the men have) and luxury is doughnuts and coffee. The slingshot thing is harder than it looks. And the women win! They certainly have redeemed themselves from the first couple of episodes. The men have to be a bit douchey and say that Salani’s winning streak is due to pure luck. The women, smartly, pick the tarp as their reward, but it must have been hard to leave those blankets and pillows behind.

Back at camp after the challenge, the women are happy and the men are whiny. Bill is the first of the men to admit that the women might be an actual threat. Leif lets Bill know that Colton wants him gone but asks him “not to tell anyone.” Yeah, that usually works well. Bill is surprised, but let's see what he does with that information.

Oh, sweet peaches, Colton just referred to Leif as a Munchkin. I’m liking him less and less. Now he’s confronting Leif about his conversation with Bill, and now he’s just called him an Oompa Loompa. You would think, being a member of a minority that gets called some pretty vile names, he would ease up on the derogatory terms for little people. People show their true colors when they feel secure in this game, and, wow, Colton’s true colors are nasty.

At Salani they get Treemail puzzles. It's hinted that they’ll be working in pairs. Kat wants someone smart to partner with, because she’s not good at puzzles (really? I’m shocked) and Alicia takes offense that Kat doesn’t think she’s good at puzzles, because Alicia takes offense at everything. Oh my goodness, that was all one sentence.

Immunity Challenge time! It’s the old traverse the teeter-totter to get to a puzzle, then figure it out, and unlock locks. And anyone who has watched a previous season knows what I’m taking about. But they are doing it in pairs, tied together. And despite Alicia’s offense-taking, she does suck at puzzles. At least Kat knows her own limitations.

The women start looking at the men’s puzzle to get some clue, and Tarzan starts taking great offense, yelling, “Cheat!” I don’t think he would have had a problem if it were his team doing it. Or maybe stealing is OK, but not cheating at puzzles. Salani members eventually get the first puzzle, but it doesn’t matter because the men get all three puzzles done first and win. They are predictably obnoxious about it.

I hope Alicia has put herself on the chopping block with her tantrum and poor performance at the challenge. Christina hopes so too, and hopes to capitalize on that weak link and break their alliance apart.

Back at camp, Alicia is madly defending herself, which ends up sounding as though she’s making excuses, which straight-up pisses Sabrina off. The women in the alliance with Alicia seem to be sticking with her, but I’ve learned that I can’t trust the "Survivor" editors as far as I can throw them.

At Manino, Colton acts like a supreme assh--- (sorry for the language) and won’t even talk to Bill. Bill calls him a stuck-up brat. Colton then puts his own spin on things, and makes Bill out to be the villain. He then brings up offering to go to Tribal Council instead of the women. I think that boy’s cheese done slid off his cracker. The other men all think so too, but they also know that Colton has the personal Immunity Idol, and he’s running things a little bit. I can’t believe they are even considering this, and neither can the women.

Wait. How is Leif being blamed for all of this mess? Now they’re going to vote him out instead of Bill? Won’t that piss off Colton? Jay is as confused as I am. Have the men forgotten that they’re playing a game? They agree that the vote must be unanimous, and hopefully some of them (not Tarzan or Colton, because they be cray-cray) will see the light.

And nope, they don’t, because the men end up at Tribal Council. Jeff is as dumbfounded as I am …

Now, I write this recap as the episode plays, but my computer crashed (perhaps in response to this ridiculous Tribal Council?) and I lost the last bit I wrote, all about Tribal Council. And since this episode literally has me enraged, I will give a very succinct recap:

Colton attacks Bill’s character and choice of employment (or lack thereof, as a struggling stand-up comedian). It comes out that Colton has had a very privileged upbringing, and the only black person in his life is his family’s housekeeper (but she’s just like family!). Bill remains classy throughout and says that Colton just doesn’t understand anyone outside of his sphere, and that he (Bill) is proud that he’s following his dreams, and that he does work hard. Tarzan goes all Stephen Colbert on us (and not in a funny way) about how we shouldn’t see color, we have a black president, darn it! The entire Tribal Council was surreal. 

And then Bill, my favorite, gets voted out. If someone doesn’t take Colton down soon, I’m going to be sticking a fork in my eyes before this season id out. 

Credits: Bill is classy as always, and he will be missed. I hope he’s a good stand-up comedian, because this could be a nice boost for him. Try "Last Comic Standing" next time, Bill.

Next week: Looks like they might be mixing the tribes up, and Colton does not look pleased. Anything that displeases that narrow-minded brat is fine with me!

 

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