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'Real Housewives of Orange County' recap, season finale, Are you in or out?

Drama (genre)Mary Tyler Moore

Even though the drama tonight begins with Sarah and Bow-gate, in a bit of foreshadowing, Tamra begins part two of the finale by announcing to everyone who will listen that Vicki keeps calling her a brown-noser for being friends with Gretchen.

Wow, Vicki -- those are harsh words -- do you kiss Brooks with that mouth?!

Gretchen takes this opportunity to give Tamra a charm bracelet symbolizing that she is an unbreakable woman. Try unbelievable.

Don't worry -- this is not an act of altruism, Gretch has a new single out titled "Unbreakable." And who's workin' for you, dear readers? I am. I listened to that crap just so I could report out to you.

I like Gretchen a lot, so 'crap' is about as generous an adjective that I'm willing to use. My theory is that Andy Cohen owns majority stock in Auto-Tune and is now requiring one Housewife per city to release one song per season using this technology. He has no such investment in lyricists.

Not one to be forgotten in the annals of Housewife history, Sarah barges into the kitchen to start up again with Heather. Despite the two beefy security guards in the kitchen at the time, Heather calls for Terry to come help her. 

I can understand wanting your husband to be with you, but considering Terry has been such a milquetoast all season, calling him in is purely for show. Heather also calls Alexis in to help. Again, this is understandable -- everybody knows you're supposed to leave with the 'Wife who brung ya.

Too bad Alexis has her own ax to grind and is now the official spokesperson standing up against imagined bullying everywhere. Forget It Gets Better -- Alexis is leading the It Never Happened campaign. 

Slade, of all people, comes to the rescue and gets Sarah out of the party. (And hopefully out of our lives for good. If he can do that, I'm sure the courts would forgive his 3 trillion dollar child support debt. As a taxpayer, I would support that.) 

With Sarah gone, there is a lull in the drama so Vicki takes this opportunity to pull Ryan aside to give him an apology. But it's actually a good old-fashioned Orange County fauxpology. Vicki thought Ryan would fall for it because he's new to the O.C. She couldn't have been more wrong. Ryan is no slouch and he was not trying to hear any of her foolishness. Good for him.

And who have we here? Jim Bellini, who has famously refused to film all season because he is avoiding drama, decides to show up to the party. Um, okay. I'm not sure what he expected to happen, but: Surprise! Drama ensues.

He came to confront Terry about calling his wife phony and everybody knows it. When he enters the party Terry's face drops. Alexis' face would drop too, but ... well, you know.

Fitting right in with the drama queens, Jim refuses to talk to Terry even though we all know that's all he wants to do. He finally speaks to Terry after insulting and humiliating Alexis for suggesting it. The reason Jim is so religious is all due to a huge misunderstanding. Every time he has been an arrogant, chauvinistic, misogynistic prick, people said "Jesus, Jim!" and he took it literally.

Everything to this point has been child's play. The main event is of course between Tamra and Vicki. It was epic. I hope Vicki doesn't have any singing engagements after the way she screamed on Tamra. Brooks actually started the fight, but Gretchen fanned the flames proving that karma really is a Tamra.

And so we bid farewell to this season, much like we did the '80s, by merely saying "it's been real." (Well, sort of.) But we've been through a lot with the ladies this year and no drama-filled year can end without awarding End of the Year Superlatives.

Most Likely to Succeed: Gretchen

Gretchen is annoying as all get out, but she's so damn likable. I don't know how she does it. And she's no dummy. She runs like 15 different companies including handbags, makeup, fitness but her smartest move of all is refusing to marry Slade. Not only does this guarantee her a storyline, it keeps her out of debtor's prison. Taking a cue from Mary Tyler Moore, Gretchen's gonna make it after all. Also, she gets Best Hair. That feather was everything.

Dunce Cap: Sarah

Everyone makes mistakes, but only an idiot makes a mistake, refuses to apologize for it and then yells at everyone who tries to gently tell her she made a mistake. Famous dunce quote in the middle of Bow-gate: "Is this the world we live in?!" No, Sarah this is the world we are living in. No one knows what world you are living in.

Homecoming Queen: Briana

She's been the young voice of reason in the O.C. for the past 7 years, and now, with a clean bill of health, she can rule even more effectively. I hope she gets her mother in line -- she's our last hope.

Homecoming King: Ryan

I am loving him. He isn't taking any guff off of anyone including his mother-in-law Vicki. And he cleans up pretty damn nicely. 

Most Likely to Become a Dictator: Vicki

Forget President, Vicki will not be satisfied until she is in control of everyone and everything. And like every dictator, she will be hung in effigy before the decade is out.

Miss Congeniality: Tamra

She's not the nicest person in the O.C. Or the smartest. Or the prettiest. But no one can out fake-cry her!

Most in Need of Vitamin C: Heather

With all of her hunching over when she's talking (and she's usually talking smack about everybody else) I think it's pretty clear that Heather's got scurvy. Poor girl needs to eat that orange she's holding in the opening credits. And then take a loooong hiatus from the show. She should understand that -- after all, she is an ack-tress.

Most Likely to Still Be On Earth After the Rapture: Alexis and Jim

'Nuff said.

This was the season finale but as you know, our time with the O.C. ladies is far from over -- we'll be back on July 10 with Part 1 of the reunion. Follow me on Twitter @MutesVoice and tell me what you think is gonna go down.

Copyright © 2014, The Baltimore Sun
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Drama (genre)Mary Tyler Moore
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