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'Real Housewives of Miami' recap, 'Booby Trapped'

Lea BlackMaria Sharapova

First thing that needs to be said about tonight’s episode of RHOM is that it was ALL about the quotes!

In this, the third episode, we get a little more information about a couple of main themes this season. From fights between certain cast members to more of a history on others, this episode proved to be mentally draining at times because again we are thrown into fights to which we know no facts about.

Sometimes I find myself saying, "That (expletive) Lea is lying to us!" Thirty minutes later I’m saying the same thing about Adriana. There’s something to be said, though, for some pretty crafty editing.

Am I the only one that realizes that these editors are legit making the Cuban Mean Girls (Adriana, Alexia and Marysol for those of you just tuning in) look REALLY EFFING MEAN? Again ... you need the full story so let’s start from the beginning.

The episode opened with Lea and Adriana continuing their battle from last week’s episode. This time, however, the fight was outside under an umbrella in a torrential downpour. Lea offered to get Adriana a ride home but Adriana refused to accept any more of Lea’s generosity in wake of Lea supposedly calling her names like “charity case.”

So Adriana caught a cab (I had no idea Housewives even did that) in the beautiful sun shining weather. That’s Miami weather for ya, folks. It seems to mirror the relationships and trials these women experience.

After the fight Adriana goes to Frederic and says that Lea told her this and Lea called her that. Ummmm... Are we watching the same episode, Adriana? Lea said NONE of that to you... You’re not even really crying! Nothing I hate more than guys falling for their whiney girlfriends that pretend to cry when tears aren’t coming out. Muster up some sad feelings, sister.

Frederic then states that he and his lady will never support Lea Black’s events again and goes as far as to say that she should fear him... Hmmmm...

Joanna and Romain are spotted attending Maria Sharapova’s tennis match which spikes up some very awkward banter. It seems as though that the Barbie and Ken of Miami need to talk about their (lack of) sex through tennis euphemisms. Interesting approach, guys.

We hear Joanna saying things like, “Oh baby look at her aaaaasssssss,” “look at that ball getting hit back and forth,” and “We never have sex” all set to really bad 70s porn music. This isn’t how I planned on spending my Monday night.

Romain then astonishes Joanna by basically telling her he’s bored with their sex life and that She needs to “spice it up like pasta,” and to “change the sauce.” Really, Romain? You’re actually going to compare your sex life to fettucini? Ugh. Joanna, feeling belittled, replies in her confessional that she’s “done it in private jets, elevators and night clubs. (She’s) not the boring one.” Oh, lord.

In the Hochstein home, Lisa and Lenny are getting ready for bed, (Lisa in the most amazing nighty this writer has ever seen. Just saying.) and in the middle of the night Lisa “wakes up” because she has to talk to Lenny about the baby-making thing. (Surprise, surprise... Bravo! cameras are there to catch it.)

I don’t mean to make light of this situation at all... I LOVE Lisa. I think she’s a very important character in the “Housewives” franchise because she’s young and beautiful but has the inability to carry a child to term. I think little girls just assume that that’s going to happen in their lives... I know a lot of girls who had lost children in their 20s. In fact, two of my dearest friends lost an newborn and a 10 month old in the same year so Lisa’s storyline is very near and dear to my heart. I’m hoping for the best for you, girl!

We also learn that Lisa is planning a girl’s night and has invited Leah and Joanna to have a good time because Lenny is in Vegas. Oh, but don’t worry. Lisa assures us that she “banged Lenny out really good before he left,” so in case you were wondering... She’s got it covered! (Have I mentioned that this episode was all about the quotes?) For the next five or so minutes, the word “bang” is severely overused. Lisa also shares that when she first met her husband,“(Lenny) pounded me like a chicken cutlet.” Stay classy, girl.

Just when we thought RHOM was going to be fun, in comes Marysol, Alexia and Adriana (who else thinks this hairdo with the bangs in her face is stupid?) What happened???

Oh, Lisa is trying to play mediator again. I get it. When I interviewed Joanna, she called Lisa a “pot-stirrer.” Now that I see these episodes, it seems to me that Lisa is just very naive and wants all the women to just get along. Speaking of quotes, Lea called Adrianna a “con artist” as Joanna had in my interview with her. It seems to me that Joanna was saying throughout the season everything she said to me in our interview... Even though on Twitter she called me a liar. But I digress.

In the final couple of minutes, Joanna pulls out a piece of “evidence” that the housewives just LOVE to carry around with themselves about Adriana. We learned that she applied for the marriage license on November 4, 2008 but then went back to have it notarized December 8, 2008... This means that not only was Adriana married on paper but went back for the REAL thing a month later. All of the things she’s been saying are apparent lies. Can’t wait to see how she’ll dig herself out of this one... Stay tuned!

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Lea BlackMaria Sharapova
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