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'Real Housewives of Miami' recap, 'Black Magic'

Bravo (tv network)Personal ServiceLea BlackLance BassJoanna Krupa

Tonight’s episode of "Real Housewives of Miami" was a quick one! We got a more intimate look into the lives of Joanna Krupa and Alexia Echevarria.

We begin by getting a sneak peek at Romain and Joanna looking at a vacant house on the market; Joanna is extremely displeased with it. She’s not into the whole modern thing, so the entire idea of the house is completely ruined for her... Until she sees the view. At this point, she’s reminded that she enjoys Romain taking the lead in some aspects of their relationship - just as the movers arrive with all the Krupa/Zago belongings. Seriously, Bravo. You could have planned this storyline out to be a bit more believable.

Joanna checks in with her new sex therapist, Dr. Paz, sans Romain because he saw a text J’s sister, Marta, had sent to her stating that “there were rumors that Romain had been sleeping around and that (Joanna) should no longer marry him.” You’re in Pennsylvania now, Marta. Leave it alone. After revealing that they only have sex every other month or so, Joanna is put firmly in her place by Dr. Paz, who tells her she is most likely emasculating Romain by frequently calling him the girl in the relationship. Duh. I could have told you that.

***DRINKING GAME ALERT: Every time Joanna drops an “F” Bomb, take a shot! I bet you won’t last 20 minutes.***

Next, we check in with Alexia, who is going to hang out with her best gurl, Marysol. (Anyone else think that this “demotion” Marysol got has actually given her MORE screen time? The mysteries of life.) Marysol has a tarot card reader basically spell out for her that Lea Black is apparently doing black magic and wishing ill upon Elsa (hence the really clever episode title.)

Alexia shows us a peak at what she’s up to as Editor-In-Chief of her husband’s magazine, Venue, as she plans a party to commemorate the anniversary of the publication. This is where our plot thickens when we learn all of the women have been invited to the gala...

Let’s begin to brace ourselves, shall we?

Lisa and Adriana share some camera time as they talk about their men and (again) the lack of sex they’re having. Apparently, every woman in Miami is dry. They’ve all talked about it by now with the exception of Lea ... And I’d be completely fine if she kept it that way.

We begin to see that Lisa likes to play a little double agent as she shows Adriana the paper that she swore to Lea she would never show and asks 20 questions about the marriage certificate. Bravo then shows us a fantastic montage of Adriana’s “story” and the different variations that have been told by her in just the first four episodes. Pure genius.

To lighten the mood again, Adriana tells Lisa that basically the answer to her sex problem is a “Legs Avenue” costume and then slips it in there that she wants Lisa to be a bridesmaid. Lisa is elated at the gesture as she’s never been a bridesmaid before and gladly accepts. A little later, we see an incredibly awkward scene with Lisa and Lenny in their jacuzzi cheers-ing to a “sexy night.”

To end our episode, we find ourselves at Club Story, watching Alexia’s “Venue” party unfold. Lea blew off a sushi date with Lance Bass (can’t make this stuff up) so that she could get there on time... at 7:15. Lea, Lea, Lea. NO ONE gets to a party of any kind at 7:15. I didn’t even know nightclubs were open at the hour! This explains why she’s the only soul at the club.

"RHOM" characters arrive one-by-one until the whole lot is there...except Lisa, who is busy filming that awkward jacuzzi scene with Lenny. Separated as if Moses himself had had something to do with it.

Tensions come to a head when Frederic approaches Romain and is denied the chance to say hello. At this point Frederic, Romain and Adriana begin arguing in French (show offs) about different things that have gotten them all to this point of anger and frustration. Frederic had tweeted slander against Romain, stating that he was a girl for not taking Adriana’s side in the fight she had had last year where she slapped Joanna. (I’m not even sure I followed that one.) Adriana starts screaming to Joanna that Romain is sleeping with a Colombian woman. In there respective confessional interviews, Lea is saying that Alexia should be stopping this kind of behavior at her event, while Alexia is saying that as long as bottles aren’t being thrown and there is no blood, she’ll let the argument continue -- it's just another reason for people to talk about the party. Alexia wins this round: PR is PR.

Ana and Marysol show up to the party. Ana immediately wants to rub her presence in Lea’s face by saying “hi” to Joanna and not Lea, who is standing right next to Joanna. When Lea makes nice and leans in for a Miami-style kiss-on-the-cheek greeting, Alexia calls Lea a hypocrite.

This is all I know at this point: Not one other season is as hard to follow as Miami -- trying to keep up on friends, frenemies and foes. I’m beginning to think these women are just as confused as the viewers.

Copyright © 2014, The Baltimore Sun
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Bravo (tv network)Personal ServiceLea BlackLance BassJoanna Krupa
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