By Lauren McEwen
8:03 AM EST, December 11, 2012
This week starts with Kyle, who is increasingly becoming my least favorite Housewife.
Did Kyle's family get egged? As a result of her meddling, I hope. Mauricio pretends to believe it's some high school prank targeting Alexia. But aww, it's a new car reveal! They got Alexia a Lexus C250. A C class Lexus for a girl who can't begin to parallel park? A 16-year-old? My life sucks.
At least she seems sweet and grateful. Kyle knows her friends are going to resent this bit of showiness, but it's the fruit of Mauricio's new real estate company. Being able to shower his daughter with inappropriately expensive luxury cars is the consummation of a dream. I'll let them have it.
Brandi's meeting with her booking agent over sushi. She updates him about the drama at Ojai, mainly the women's cold reaction at the news of her book deal.
Basically, Brandi feels they should be happy for her, because they're already disgustingly rich, and she's not. Proof? She lives in a house without a single chandelier. Meaning, Brandi Gianville's probably eaten a struggle meal before. The rest of these women? Never. Except, maybe, Taylor because she's the one clinging to this zip code she "worked hard for." That implies struggle.
She's a little apprehensive about having her picture on the cover of her book, title, etc. I feel you, girl. Titles and cover letters are the hardest things to write, ever in life.
Oh, but Brandi's come up with a title. It's just profanity-laden, because this is Brandi we're dealing with. She wants to name her book, "It's a Break-Up, Not Cancer: How I Got the F--- Through It, and Got the F--- Out of It." Obvs, her agent's not pleased, but she insists the F-word is a major part of her life.
Yay, Lisa time! She's got a new menu for her lounge, and she's having a few peeps over in the garden, to sample a few appies.
Last night, one of her female servers, Stassi, or something, managed to get on the bad side of "one of the most powerful people in this town" who also happens to be one of Lisa's BFFs. She asks Jax, the bartender that's helping set up for the tasting, if he thinks that the server in question was drinking.
Of course, Jax denies that. It's hard to believe Lisa put him in that position. If he were the manager, it would be understandable. But she's discussing this with another employee, and she's the owner -- not cool. Maybe she's asking him because he runs the bar. Still, it feels a little informal for this convo.
(Side note: Jax is kinda hot. Must be one of those L.A. server/actors everyone's always snarking about.)
If any other reality TV star/restaurateur claimed their restaurant "constantly deal[s] with celebrities and important people" I would call their bluff. But when Lisa says it, it's beyond contestation. Maybe it's the accent.
Ken advises her to speak with Stassi before they start the tasting. Stassi admits that she was drinking "a little bit" last night, but she wants Lisa to hear her side of the story.
Lisa tells her she doesn't get a side, because he's an important client. She claims she was making a small joke, about the party sucking, and ended it up blowing up. She said he called her a spoiled brat and a stupid b----.
Lisa says it may be good reason, and since she doesn't have time for these shenanigans tonight, she tells Stassi to leave.
I would've fired her. I worked retail/customer service for years. People are awful. Unless a customer threatens your well being, suck it up and do your job.
And whom the heck is Lisa hiring, anyway? Before the tasting, Brandi calls to make sure Scheana, the girl who slept with her ex and one of Lisa's employees, wasn't working.
Kim, Brandi and Lisa discuss Ken's upcoming hip surgery, and of course, jokes about Ken's penis ensue. The rest of the guests show up and there is an excessive amount of bourgeois double-cheek kissing.
Lisa makes sure that the champagne isn't troubling Kim, and then asks her if she ever feels she may relapse. She admits that some people in her life almost drive her to drink. Some she's put in her past, but others she's forced to put up with -- ahem, Kyle -- and she has to just thug it out.
Brandi asks where Adrienne is, and Lisa tells her she was busy. Brandi snarks that she's probably working on her book, because Adrienne is Mr. Me Too. Ken jumps in, saying the book "probably won't be very long." See, Paul? That's how you pull of man-catty without seeming sad. Take note!
After the meal, Kyle's troublemaking behind asks Brandi why she and Adrienne are at odds. Brandi says these problems have been simmering under the surface for a while. She feels like Adrienne lies a lot plus, they had a phone argument about Lisa. Ruh roh!
Apparently, Adrienne and Paul (of course) wanted Brandi to take to Twitter, recanting past statements she'd made regarding the Maloof-Vanderpump War of 2012. It escalated, and Brandi refused to speak against Lisa. Kim, and the others seem to be uncomfortable. That's when Brandi imparts a bit of gossip about Adrienne that is so intense the audience doesn't even get to hear it.
Kyle is shocked. Shocked, I say! Kim says it's something so private and Brandi may not even realize the severity of what happened. She and Taylor discuss it afterward, and basically, they feel Adrienne wasn't there to defend herself.
Oh great, now we get to go over Adrienne's. The fam's having a BBQ, and it's sweet. Paul's supposed to be grilling, but he quickly delegates the task to their cook, to go swimming with the kids. Then, we got an awesome close-up of Paul's back hair.
Later, Mauricio and Kyle throw an event to celebrate his new real estate agency. Camille's there, so of course, we get a few more jokes about the size of Kelsey Grammer's manhood. I will not stand for this disrespect of the man who brought me "Girlfriends!"
It's also the day of Ken's hip surgery, and Lisa's really worried. He's 16 years older than Lisa, so his health is a major concern for her. Their kids show up to show support, and they're all perfect looking and British. Poor Lisa! He'll be ok!
Back to the partay! The Maloofs show up, and Brandi isn't the happiest. She's not worried, though, because she doesn't think the other girls will "tattle." Wrong! Adrienne's barely in the door when Kim pulls her to the side to fill her in about what Brandi said.
Paul claims he doesn't understand why Brandi would call Adrienne a liar, and then Kim drops the secret bombshell about their family. Call me cynical, but the fact that we can't hear it makes me question whether or not this fight is producer-manufactured. Paul wants to do something or leave. He also asks what Lisa, "the other troublemaker," had to say. Oh, come on.
Adrienne likens it to "character assassination" and wants to leave. That's when Paul decides to call Brandi outside of her name and confront her in front of the group. This is all getting a little uncomfortable. He can be mad, but all of this aggressive posturing has me nervous he'll put his hands on Brandi.
Kyle's pissed because Kim chose Mauricio's event to fill the Maloofs in about what Brandi said. They're throwing out words like "defamatory" and threatening lawsuits and making a scene. Hello? Mauricio's clients are here!
It finally ends, with the Maloofs fleeing the scene and Kyle and Mauricio fuming. Aww, you guys were all so chummy last week. Glad that's over!
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