By Lauren McEwen
6:14 AM EST, January 29, 2013
This is the penultimate episode of season three of "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" and I am already having withdrawal.
I have learned so much from these ladies: How to best shade an adversary (Lisa's dignified side-eyes and brush-offs are like intricate tapestries of disrespect), how not to treat your loving husband (here's looking at you, Marissa) and most importantly, how to best ruin a dinner party.
If I'm waxing nostalgic now, I'll probably be slumped in a corner with a Botox needle lodged in my forehead next week.
First we swing by Yolanda's house to watch her plate this perfect meal in her well-lit kitchen -- like an audition tape for the Food Network, or something. Who am I kidding? I would so watch Yolanda's cooking show. That chicken looks awesome.
She's going on to explain the secret of why she's so freaking gorgeous. It's because she doesn't believe in plastic surgery -- just plain, old healthy living. It's a revolutionary concept out there in Beverly Hills. And on this show really. Won't say any names, but four out of eight Housewives on this show look like they've had major work done.
Right when she's talking about aging gracefully, in walks Suzanne Somers, who is aging pretty well her darn self. Kyle and Lisa also show up for lunch. And believe you me, Yolanda knows how to host a classy little lunch, y'all.
Suzanne, who has literally written the book on aging gracefully, is teaching the ladies about her mission to live until she's 110. Which basically involves swallowing a butt load of horse pill-sized vitamins each day. Lisa, of course, is the skeptic, because she's "not good at swallowing things." Cue the joke about she and Ken's sex life. I love Lisa but spare us, boo.
Cue Suzanne talking about her "new way to age." Apparently, what Lisa needs are hormone replacements. Thankfully, they cut away to another scene.
Brandi's prepping to teach "Brandi's Night School for Girls." She was never a stripper, but her ex bought her a stripper pole to spice things up. Red flags shoulda been a-waving.
Because she's now a SINGLE MOTHER, IN CASE YOU DIDN'T KNOW, Brandi is looking for ways to make cash fast. Hence her willingness to teach civilian women to pole dance like pros.
Either way, she worked the heck out of that pole during that rehearsal. Of course, there are some women who think pole dancing is demoralizing and sets us back, etc. I, on the other hand, am kind of amazed by the athleticism.
Do you have any idea how much upper body strength is required to sloppily swing down a pole? Let alone to do it with grace and fluidity. And the fact that Brandi can hit a full split after giving birth to multiple children? *bows*
Adrienne and Paul stop at Kyle's for a celebration for her daughter, Sophia.
Of course, they're only able to go a few minutes before Faye starts cashing in her brownie points for riding so hard for Paul and Adrienne at that other dinner party.
Thankfully, they leave early so we can get back to the program. Sophia's graduation party -- from elementary school. And she has on a sleeveless dress. Chh -- not in the McEwen house.
There's a really touching moment when Kyle tells Sophia that her late parents would've been so proud of her if they were there. Where did that dust come from all of a sudden?
Where was Kim during all of this, you ask? At home, hanging pictures with her "houseman" Milton. Also, she's contemplating getting a nose job -- because she was "kind of in the mood to do something." Like, she and the doctor went back and forth trying to FIND something to nip or tuck.
Brandi's in the midst of packing when her friend Adrienne stops by. She's kind of anxious about hosting an event for the first time, but she isn't having any trouble picking out Brandi's Night School-certified clothes for the adventure. Those silver pants were kind of cute, though.
Gayle, Marissa's mom, is also helping her pack, and we can easily see where Marissa inherited her tact. Gayle has been itching to rid Marissa's closet of a few things, and doesn't think twice about telling Marissa that her clothes are awful. She actually tells this woman that her dress makes her look like she's from the boonies. Marissa pouting and walking off screen was the best, though.
And when her mother hinted that she wanted to come, too? Teenaged Marissa Zanuck must have had enough angst for 12 John Hughes movies.
Ken isn't too excited about Lisa heading to Vegas. In fact, he doesn't think that she needs pole dancing lessons, because Lisa's a freak, apparently.
Yolanda stayed behind, cooking and walking around her grounds barefoot. Also, she feels like getting philosophical about home wreckers coming after her rich husband. So she caters to his needs: acknowledging him as a man, having sex with him and feeding him. The trifecta of 1950s marriage advice.
I do appreciate their no more than two weeks apart rule. Mainly, Yolanda's trying to avoid another divorce. Especially since Heidi and Seal (who are her very good friends, you guise!) had their "heartbreaking" divorce. Two steps forward, eight leaps back, Yo Yo.
Dinner with the Vegas gals. How long until this gets awkward? Welp. Right on cue, Brandi tells Marissa that she does her husband dirty. Marissa tries to brush it off as she and her husband's banter. Brandi wants to stop being the tough girl, but she feels like she needs to be hard for her kids.
Overall, it's a nice dinner with the other ladies giving Brandi advice about finding happiness and forgiveness -- then finally it devolves into sex jokes, with Camille leading the pack, which is always fun.
Brandi opens up about Eddie leaving her, and the women have some fun at Leann Rimes' expense, which is always fun to watch. According to them, old Leann started trying to become Brandi after she and Eddie went public with their PR disaster. This is what friends are for: ruthlessly trashing your ex and the woman who cheated with him on national TV.
Also, Lisa hates the word "vagina." Which means Brandi won't stop saying it -- and then, they start talking about tampon strings and the vagina-like qualities of oysters and I officially can't do this anymore.
They did force-feed Kyle an oyster, which was a lot of fun.
The next day, the ladies gather outside of the hotel for hungover brunch. Yolanda shows up in booty shorts and tee and a fedora and orders this green sludge for breakfast. Whatever works.
On to the class -- Brandi's up front half-naked and ready to do some tricks. She's nervous, but she’s among friends. Eventually, she finds the words, encouraging her students to shed their inhibitions and love themselves. Good for you, Brandi!
Next week: Camille vs. Lisa vs. Kyle vs. Yolanda. Joy!
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