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'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' recap, Lisa Vanderpump is the Queen of Shade

Kim’s daughter, Kimberly, is getting ready to head to prom. And though her storyline has been put on the backburner so far, this was pretty cute.

Kimberly’s boyfriend picks her up and it’s all adorable and perfectly awkward with Kim talking about chicken salad and trying to get them to have a cup of lemonade or some other such nonsense.

We also get to spend a little more time with Kyle’s teenage daughter, Alexa, who is in the process of learning how to drive. What kind of car does Kyle decide to let her practice in? A freaking Porsche. *bangs head on keyboard*

Anyway, apparently Kyle couldn’t drive worth a darn when she was Alexa’s age either, so she lets her daughter off the hook with she fails magnificently at an attempt to parallel park. There is about three feet of space between the car and the curb. But who cares because "everywhere you go has valet." Solid logic, Kyle.

Afterward, Lisa pops over for a cup of tea, because real-life people do that. Kyle is quick to harp on Lisa for leaving Portia’s party early to avoid seeing Adrienne. Despite the other women’s sloppy behavior at Portia’s party, Kyle still insists it would’ve been better for Lisa to stay and hash it out, because you know, they would’ve controlled themselves. For the kids. Again, faulty logic, at best.

Lisa basically flips her hair, sips her tea, and says she’s not interested in patching things up with Adrienne. And if Adrienne really believed Lisa was some sort of story-selling traitor, then she doesn’t understand why Adrienne would want to pal around with her either. Oh, Lisa. You are so awesome.

Which leads us to the real meat of today’s episode: Yolanda and her husband, David, decide to have a dinner party at their Malibu home. And everybody’s invited … except Brandi, but more on that later.

Yolanda has been prepping for it all day. Apparently, they’re even serving a 70-year-old bottle of wine that was a gift from Oprah, girl. In case you wondered. It’s shameless name-dropping, but I will forgive her because that dinner party looked like a "Better Home & Gardens" dream.

For whatever reason, Kim hops a ride to the party with Adrienne and Paul. Adrienne is anxious, because obviously this is her first time seeing Lisa in forevez. So they’re chatting about Kim’s sobriety, and Adrienne seems bored. So Adrienne uses Kim’s comment about avoiding straining relationships to safeguard her sobriety to segueway the conversation back to what’s really important — the Maloof/Vanderpump beef.

Then Petty Paul chimes in, speculating about how Lisa will respond to seeing him. He still feels Lisa owes Adrienne an apology for making negative comments about her shoes, calling their dog Jackpot, "Crackpot," and making jokes about throwing their unwanted stuff into the Maloofs’ yard. Yes, because you and Adrienne were the ones who were wronged.

He then backpedals saying, he has "a thousand things going on" and so he’s so above it all. But if Lisa tries to give him a double-air-kiss, he’s going to get her fake behind told, or whatever.

Doesn’t he know that Lisa Vanderpump is "RHOBH’s" resident Queen of Shade. You are not ready for the disrespect that awaits you.

Anyway, Kyle, Mauricio and Taylor get to the party first. There is some 1-percenter-esque joking about one of the waiters looking familiar. Apparently, he used to work for Camille Grammer, so obvs he must be "stalking" them. Props to the butler for not rolling his eyes. Professionalism.

The Vanderpumps arrive, and then Kim, Adrienne and Paul show up. Much to Paul’s dismay, Lisa flat out ignores them. Just treats them like they’re vapor. Now it’s a party!

Over dinner, Taylor starts gossiping to some guy whose name I can’t remember, but he’s not important. What’s important is that Taylor gets to talk about her favorite thing ever to discuss when her blood alcohol is up a notch — Brandi.

Yolanda is not impressed, thinking it unseemly that Taylor’s had a little too much. Normally the "that’s not ladylike" thing would send my eyes a-rolling, but this is really tacky. Pull it together, woman.

Brandi is not at this party to defend herself. Taylor has nothing new on her other than her "you’ve slept with everyone" comment. And that wasn’t so much a testament to her skanky character as it was a misguided attempt to bond with Yolanda.

When Brandi feels awkward, she falls back on inappropriate sexual jokes. Ex. just a couple of episodes she gave Lisa and Ken sex toys and a little glass gun of tequila as a housewarming gift.

Moral of the story: either get some new dirt to gripe about, or move on, Taylor.

Later, David decides to play the piano for his guests, and it just so happens, that every Grammy he has ever won is in plain view. Subtle. Anyway, Kyle and Taylor are hammered, so they start singing "Amazing Grace," of all things. David is not pleased with their tone-deaf slurring. So he shushes them, and tells them not to sing. At all. And Taylor is not happy.

So, she starts whining about David’s song choice, saying she’s feeling depressed because he’s playing "Danny Boy" or whatever song that was. Paul, the king of jumping in other people’s conflicts, requests something upbeat for them. Yolanda feels that it’s a little rude.

Nothing else really happens, other than an awkward discussion about how the Fosters met. Apparently, they met through Mohammed. Single David was going to move in with Mohammed. He saw pictures of "this beautiful woman" and asked to meet her.

Mohammed agreed but because, “The Arab culture is … I’ll introduce you but I don’t want anything to happen." Um … huh, David?

Anyway, it was love at first sight, or some such nonsense. Lisa says she was there when he proposed. Then David makes a joke about having slept with Lisa five years ago. Lisa says that can’t be true, because she hasn’t slept with anyone in five years, including her husband.  Which is just ... that party was a mess.

Next on "RHOBH": Lisa and Adrienne meet up for lunch. Adrienne is about to get owned.

Copyright © 2014, The Baltimore Sun
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