By Amy Watts
12:07 PM EST, January 20, 2013
The episode starts with a visit from Native American Ken Hotate, which sets up some great jokes about the Pawnee relationship with the local tribe, which Leslie describes as "murder-y."
Hotate is fun, poking the white people's political correctness and urge not to offend.
In advance of their impending nuptials, Ben and Leslie are having their bachelor and bachelorette parties on the same night.
Ann is planning Leslie's party with dancing, karaoke, booze, and "anything that can be penis-shaped, will be penis-shaped." It is unclear whether or not this edict would apply to actual penises. Ann is stress eating gummy penises. The best part of all the penis paraphernalia is the amount of pixelation required by the censors.
Chris is in charge of Ben's party, and has done exactly what the groom asked for: a night of beer and board games. They start with Settlers of Catan, at which Ben is apparently "nationally ranked." (OF COURSE HE IS.)
In setting up for Leslie's party, they discover that the jerk from Paunch Burger has started developing the land Leslie has earmarked for the park, despite the fact that the deadline to determine usage of the land is weeks away.
Chris toasts Ben's upcoming marriage and then the party starts to peter out as Ben suggests they stick around and watch the episodes of Homeland that are "burning a hole in his DVR." Tom protests that this is the lamest bachelor party ever and suggest they go to a hot new bar in Eagleton called "essence." It specializes in "molecular mixology."
I drool with anticipation at Ron's reaction to the bar, especially after he says, "There's no wrong way to consume alcohol."
Cut to Ron at essence saying, "This is the wrong way to consume alcohol." Apparently, scotch is served as a "whiskey-infused lotion."
Leslie can't get into the spirit of her party because of the Paunch Burger move on the land she wants for the park. She then remembers that there's a law that if any Wamapoke artifact is found on a construction site, all construction must stop. And then there's a great montage of Leslie evil-laughing.
"Babe Lincoln" shows up to dance for the "lucky Mary Todd." But Donna claims first dibs and tells the stripper to "emancipate some abs." Ann is disappointed Leslie isn't more interested, saying, "I know for a fact this is a sex dream you've had." But Leslie is feeling guilty about planting the artifacts on the construction site and can't get into the swing of the party.
Back at essence, all the guys reminisce about how none of them actually had bachelor parties before their weddings; Tom because his was a green card marriage, Andy because his wedding to April was so impromptu, Ron because neither Tammy would allow it, and Jerry because he had an emergency appendectomy. So, Chris decided everyone should have the bachelor party they didn't get to have. The trip to essence now counts as Tom's.
Leslie has the gang, including Babe Lincoln, digging up the planted artifacts.
Jerry's bachelor party is at Sherm's ice cream parlor in Muncie, Indiana. We come close to finding out how Jerry bagged a babe like Gail, but then not.
Andy's dream bachelor party is to see the Colts beat the Patriots 49-0 and afterward Andy makes Tom Brady cry and then he hangs out with Dave Matthews and they play Golden Tee for hours. I had no idea Andy had been a frat boy at UVa.
Cut to the guys entering Lucas Oil stadium and meeting Jim Irsay and Andy gushing over him and the Colts. Collectively, viewers in Baltimore hiss at their TVs and throw things.
Then Reggie Wayne and Andrew Luck show up and Andy can't look at Reggie Wayne, he's so overwhelmed. He tells him he got married in Wayne's jersey (nice continuity callback, show). Wayne responds, "That's weird, but I respect that." Andy gets to catch a pass from Luck and both Andy (and Chris Pratt) look delighted.
Then the guys are in the car, jamming to "Shoop" (like you do) and they call Ann Perkins to gloat about their awesome night. Ann's lying about how much fun they're having, when they're really still down in the dark digging out "artifacts."
The guys arrive at St. Elmo steakhouse and Jerry and Tom are at the wrong table. They're at the "Gingrich" table instead of the "Gergich" table, so that we can have a cameo from Newt Gingrich.
Ron is candid with the guys and tells them that he really likes Diane. Chris gives another toast, saying simply, "To Ron" and Ron calls it perfect. As a special treat, it turns out their meal has been paid for Roy Hibbert. Except for Tom's, as Hibbert points out that Tom owes him a lot of money from the failed Entertainment 720.
Leslie realizes that she'd "Tweeped," meaning that she'd called local reporter Shauna Malwae Tweep, who's now interviewing the Paunch Burger guy while workers are digging around. They find the "artifacts" that Leslie and gang missed removing the night before, so construction halts.
At the office the next day Leslie, Ann, and April are talking about how Leslie has to confess to her misdeed. And the guys are back outside Ben's where Chris distributes the commemorative t-shirts he had made for Ben's original bachelor party. When Chris walks away, the guys decide they should do something nice for Chris to thank him for their dream bachelor party night the night before.
Back at City Hall, Leslie confesses her sins to Ken while the guys wish for Chris that he'll find the right gal someday. Chris admits that he's decided to relax his standards and doesn't have to have a super-fit vegan athlete, just someone that makes him happy.
Ken threatens Paunch Burger's contracts with the tribe's casino, in order to let Leslie off the hook. And then Ken toys with the Paunch Burger guy's dignity, just because he can.
In the hall, Ben runs into Shauna and she asks if she can write about the "crazy rotating bachelor party." Ben asks if it's really news and Shauna says, "A group of good friends having fun doing nice things for each other? That's what's important in life."
So, Ben takes her down the hall to meet up with Chris and they realize there's some chemistry there and Chris asks Shauna out and only flinches slightly when she suggest burgers for their date.
In the last bit, we see an outtake of the guys at the Colts stadium again and they're scrimmaging with the real players. Andy hits a field goal from the 30, and you can tell from the camera angles that it was actually Chris Pratt doing the kicking and that's more than a little awesome.
Lines of the night:
Tom to Ben: "I know you said no strippers because they make you sad."
Leslie: "Four years of hard work down the drain and I have a penis on my head."
"Babe" Lincoln: "It's time for the Gettysburg Undress."
Leslie to Babe Lincoln: "Mr. President, put your pants back on."
April: "You guys, the penis hats cut the digging time in half. I'm serious. Don't be afraid; use the penises!"
Donna, when Babe Lincoln complains he's tired of digging: "We paid for an hour, you're going to dig for an hour."
Ron: "Tonight we eat something's flesh!"
Leslie: "The Zodiac killer never confessed, why do I have to?"
And it's not a line, but I may have gotten the biggest laugh of the night from the sight of Ron Swanson eating an ice cream cone, ice cream all over his mustache.
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