True story: I missed last week’s episode. That’s because I talked to my psychic. We had a vision… that Kim and Kris were going to break up. OK, fine, I didn’t have a vision at all. And neither did the psychic from last week's episode, John Edwards. All he needed was Google, Wikipedia, E! True Hollywood Story, and previous seasons of "Keeping up With the Kardashians!"
In the meantime, Scott discusses his plans for starting a restaurant in New York. Kourtney, as usual, doesn’t trust that it will work out. Has this restaurant opened? And if so, turned a profit? Just checking.
Kris and Scott have a heart to heart, which ends with something like, “ain’t that the truth?!” So we know it was legit … just before a scene in which Scott tells Kourtney that her ass looks chubby in her leggings. As she proceeds to go out in that outfit … “Looks like you could swallow up a G-string!”
FINALLY, Kim confesses that she is dead inside. She confirms that she hasn’t been her super nice, nonbitchy self in New York. As if Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson didn’t warn us, Kim realizes that jumping into a(nother) reality show right after the wedding was NOT ok.
Later, Kim and Kris have a heart-to-heart conversation. Kim pretends decides that it would be good to go on a date with her husband. She then realizes that they have nothing to talk about. She also described their date as “kind of awkward … kind of like our relationship. It’s just weird.”
In the most unexpected twist of fate, Kourtney admits that her baby daddy, Scott, is finally “becoming a man” – how old is Mason now? Still, he appreciates the compliment.
Things get intense when Kim tells her husband that instead of moving all his belongings into her house, he should just bring a bag of things and nothing else. We eventually see Kris comply and move his things into a storage unit. Since the thought of her husband’s moving his belongings into her house gave Kim a panic attack, I can completely understand why things worked out that way. Right?
Obviously not. Kourtney calls Kim out on her drama, and Kim gets upset … she cries and cries. Lamar lets her know, “We’re all here for you, Yo!” before Khloe (they’re friends now) consoles her sister. Kimmie continues to cry: “I fell in love with a guy, and like, it’s not what I thought it would be. I didn’t know him.” Seriously? I’m pretty sure they went on a date and hooked up at least once before wedding. She, like, totally knew him. Oh, and he’s in the NBA. Sooo, who doesn’t know who Kris Humphries is? Oh. Ok, well … did anyone else see those hairpieces in the background? I wonder who they belonged to.
We never actually see Kim and Kris break up on camera. But eventually, this episode ends awkwardly with everyone heading home, and the world knowing that our favorite couple is no more. Once again, I reach for the strategically placed box of tissues, so that I can dry my tears. Luckily, the strategically placed commercials brightened my spirits! See you in Dallas, dolls! XOXO!