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'Jersey Shore' recap, The Situation's big secret

MusicNicole PolizziJersey Shore (tv program)Michael Sorrentino

This episode was full of ups and downs, but was a great one overall. Again, I’m not sure if they’ve actually been that good, or if I’m just slowly getting nostalgic because "Jersey Shore" is coming to an end. Either way, the second to last episode ever did not disappoint.

The Cliff Notes version: We find out Mike was a stripper in college. Paula and Mike fight, makeup and he still leaves with a random. Pauly D finally gets it in and the whole house gets an ear-full. Snooki and Deena hold meatball auditions. Sam and Ron talk about taking the next step. The crew has a blast at Merge and Deena gets wasted and falls over. Mike puts on a strip show for the house. You’re welcome. God, I wish it was that easy! 

The episode actually starts off with some minor drama — he said, she said bull. Jionni calls Roger and says that the guys in the house said Jenni was the one talking trash about him never being there and blamed her. Roger calls Jenni mad; she says she didn’t do it and the guys say deny it (although they definitely did) and she calls Jionni to fix it. All of the guys defend each other and Jenni apologizes for getting on him. The call ends with “I love you's" and that was that.

It comes out that Mike was a stripper in college when Vinny says he is going to ballroom dancing lessons [?] and Mike comes out with his secret saying he took some dance lessons because he needed to be taught rhythm. Needed is not the present tense, which is weird because he still NEEDS to learn rhythm.

The next dramatic scene takes place when the gang heads to Karma and Paula shows up in a skin-tight white dress with her hair curled. She looks amazing, despite the fact that she was way-overdressed for the party, which made it obvious she was trying to get Mike’s attention once again. Face palm.

A giant girl in blue dress approaches Mike to let him know she is definitely DTF. She grinds on him and starts kissing him. Paula sees from a far, walks up to Mike, pushes him and yells, “That’s enough! Don’t talk to me!” and storms away.

She, of course, returns within a matter of miliseconds to yell at him some more, and to let him sweet talk his way back into her heart by blatantly denying they were kissing and promising her he cares about her more than any other girl in the room. Paula ends up apologizing once again and skips away to get another drink.

Paula, I am begging you — at some point before the season is over, grow a set of balls and tell Mike to GET LOST. He has made you look bad all season ever since he “made it official.” He has talked badly about you, hooked up with other girls in front of you and yet you still believe his nonsense and end up taking the blame. It’s honestly painful for the rest of the female population to watch.

Pauly D takes home a “cool chick” and heads right to the Smush Room because he’s "backed up." (Ew.) The best part is that the entire house hears the bed hitting the wall and floor, and they all silently cheer him on from their rooms. When the noise finally stops, Ronnie yells, “That’s it?”

In true Pauly D fashion, the girl goes to leave immediately after. They exchange numbers, kiss goodbye and she's on her way.

The girl Mike TRIED to take home, that was not Paula, was sloppy drunk and he had to put her in a cab to go home. She was what I like to call a “sloptart." She fell, flashed everyone multiple times (and p.s. no way those were real!) and THEN was making out with his face as he was trying to push her away to go home. Hope you enjoyed your big TV debut, sweetheart.

The next day, Snooki comes over early to wake up Deena so that they can host meatball auditions. They buy party supplies, prizes — the works! They find four girls who want to compete, and I have to admit, it was quite hilarious.

They created rounds — the first being that they had to take three shots of SoCo and lime in a row and then hiss (yes, like a cat). The next round includes tequila body shots off a disgusting older man, and saying “merp” to random people while wearing clown shoes and a princess hat.

Soon after crowning the winners, Snooki heads home and Deena stays out to party with her new meatballs, and is just as wasted, if not more, than the competitors. Naturally, she decides to take them all home with her.

At this point, the roommates are annoyed with her, and I would have been too. She got drunk, brought a bunch of strangers home who were also drunk and then proceeds to do their hair and makeup and dress them to take them out with them. It was one of their last night’s out and the roommates did not want a bunch of strangers coming out with them.

The whole house, besides Snooki, has an awesome time at Merge. Deena falls down and does some pedaling on her back, exposing her “kooka” to the roommates. I’ll give her an eye-roll, because its certainly not jaw-dropping anymore when we’ve all seen it a hundred times.

The next day, Sam (yes, Sam) cooks the last and final Sunday Dinner. Surprisingly, it looked amazing and the roommates seemed just as shocked as I was. At dinner, the roommates decide that Mike needs to do a strip tease for them after dinner. He’s reluctant, but the boys assure him they will coach him and help him with his routine.

Somehow Jenni is voted the victim of Mike's lapdance and she gets handcuffed to a chair in the middle of the living room. The roommates go all out with the lights, music and even set up smoke and bubble machines.

Mike’s dance is interesting. He tries hard, but he, along with the rest of the house, dies of laughter the whole time. Jenni’s jaw dropped and she was beet-red with embarrassment. It was another moment where the new/old Mike let himself be vulnerable and have fun with his roommates, so that was my weird-but-aww moment of the week.

Things I Learned On This Episode Of "Jersey Shore":

• Scottish accents are fun at first, but then get very annoying on large, rude, drunk girls.

• Mike has no rhythm, but can teach himself by listening to music for two hours a day in his room ("Napolen Dynamite" flashback much?).

• Ron is actually ridiculous at mini-golf.

• Mike’s stripper name is/was Vito Zerago.

Agree with me or agree to disagree with me, let me know on Twitter: @KT_HUTCH

Copyright © 2014, The Baltimore Sun
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MusicNicole PolizziJersey Shore (tv program)Michael Sorrentino
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