"Jersey Shore"

The Situation. But you already knew that. (Ian Spanier Photography / MTV)

Jersey Shore has returned for its fifth season, and while it seems as though the Seaside Bandwagon has dwindled since the middle of the gang’s tour de Italy, I just can’t pull my eyes away from the trainwreck.

Let’s break down the first episode, which started out pretty promising:

•••• The gang returns to American soil. Judging from the way they reacted, you can assume that their exit from Italy was a little rougher than portrayed. We heard about all the drama that occurred there via fantastic websites such as TMZ, so I am sure that the Italian people had no problem hurling their bags onto the plane back to the U.S.

•••• Everyone was pscyhed to get back to their Seaside abode. To avoid any “Situations,” everyone agreed to remain in the same rooms. Snooki was safe, as she marked her territory after a long night at Karma in Season 3. Once they settled in, they got into their All-American errands — gym, tan, laundry.

•••• I thought it was awesome for Danny, the Shore Store owner, to throw the gang a “Welcome Home” party. I am sure that some family and significant-other time was a much-needed relief for the roommates. However, I am not entirely sure why Jionni was there, considering Snooki admitted to cheating on him with Deena AND Vinny, and has yet to crack that she hooked up with Mike pre-Italy.

The presence of The Unit (what a horrible name) set viewers up for one of those bottle-throwing, glass-breaking fights that we have come to love. Even though all of the “ingredients for the bomb” were there, an explosion never occurred. We are forced to wait another week to see whether Snooki finally comes clean: There’s no doubt in my mind that she knocked boots with Sitch.

•••• What is up with this new Vinny? I know that he is really attached to his family, but this is a little much. He is legitimately depressed because he hasn’t seen his mom for more than 2 hours since he has returned. I love my mom, but I can remember going weeks (months) without seeing her when I was young and crazy. I hope that he mans up and that his trip home is Sammi-style (only a day), because I know Snooks is going to need a cuddle buddy when the doo-doo hits the fan in Situationgate.

Word of the Week: “Fine” – Deena thinks that it’s not fine if Vinny’s not fine, because then she’s not fine, and the roommates are not fine, and then we’re all not fine, so we have to make sure Vinny’s fine so that the world is fine.

Overall, I was disappointed with this premiere. It was only an hour and really fizzled when Vinny became the gray cloud in the Zoloft commercial.

Be sure to catch up with me next week, when we hopefully have a Battle Royale to discuss.