OK, before you read this, you should know two things about me:
1) Before tonight, I liked meatballs. They were meaty and tasty and they made spaghetti better.
2) I'm generally opposed to bans. I'm usually for individual freedom and letting people make their own choices.
That said, after watching tonight's episode of "Jersey Shore," I must unequivocally call for a ban of meatballs. Not just from dinner tables. Or America. From Planet Earth.
Meatballs are not longer a tasty treat that improves tomato sauce. They are something worse. They are something far worse.
Here are 12 facts learned about meatballs from the latest episode of "Jersey Shore" that I believe makes irrefutable the case for a complete ban of their existence.
1) Meatballs dance and wave their arms while singing "ner-ner-na-ner-na-na-ner-ner-na-ner" in the car.
2) Meatballs chant the phrase "blast in a glass."
3) Meatballs refer to their vaginas as "cucas."
4) Meatballs run and crash head-first into a bush.
5) Meatballs get on the dance floor and "do the cat."
6) Meatballs dance so hard their "underwears" come off.
7) Sometimes, meatballs do not wear underwear out to nightclubs at all.
8) And their explanation for this behavior is: "Whatever. I forgot to put underwears on."
9) Meatballs piss themselves.
10) Meatballs make a room smell like "hot, sweat and regret."
11) Somehow, meatballs get stuck in trash cans and make the trash cans fall over.
12) Finally, meatballs crash cars into cop cars.
After studying the above list, the case for a complete ban of meatballs is now self-evident. And if you don't agree, that's probably a sign that you, well, might be a meatball yourself.