This week’s Sunny did nothing if not prove one of my longest-living theories: The makers of shows like “Toddlers and Tiaras” hold production meetings at strip joints.
Frank Reynolds has never turned down an opportunity to finance a hot idea. After meeting a potential business partner at a gentlemen’s club, Frank is led to believe he’s fronting the cash for a “legitimate” beauty pageant.
Surprisingly, Frank’s partner is a dirtbag and had inappropriate relations with a contestant. Even worse, the contestants are very much minors. But the show must go on, and the Paddy’s Gang reluctantly embraces the elegance and grace that goes into a child pageant.
With some of their own personal flair, of course.
Most Conventional Reason to Visit a Morgue: A Cosmetic Malfunction. In the cold open, Frank comes running through the door to Paddy’s screaming, trips over himself and busts his nose. It’s very hard to convince your friends, a group of wary parents and Child Protective Services that you’re not a sexual deviant when your face is covered in partially smeared blood.
Clearly, Frank can’t just go to any makeup counter and get a touch-up before the show. Instead he gets the mortician to assist him. After inviting him to the show, Frank ultimately reveals to the mortician (and accidently to all in attendance) that he would have no problem banging a dead corpse.
Worst Way to Convince People You’re Not Diddling Kids: According to Mac, it would simply be by writing a song about diddling kids. Fortunately for “Sunny” fans, we’re given this season’s first taste of Dennis, Mac and Charlie’s original scores.
Reasons Why Samantha Gets to be Mean: “Samantha gets to be mean because Samantha is a star”: Charlie Kelly.
Samantha is “that girl,” the assertive little star who actually embraces the sick, competitive nature of child pageantry. Victims of her lashing include other contestants, Sweet Dee and I wouldn’t be surprised if she physically abuses her mother behind closed doors.
Best Advice: Breathe and THEN start eating again: Charlie and Dennis’ instructions to Fat Mac on how to eat.
Reasons Boys Should Not Play Beauty Pagent: Because then grown men will draw a six-pack on you, remix “Yankee Doodle” to drum-and-bass, and put on a laser light show. While I’m all for laser light shows, drum-and-bass remixes are almost as bad as dub step.
Words to Live By: “It’s like throwing a picnic at the beach and getting pissed when the seagulls show up.”
At the end of the episode, we find out that Walter, who we believed was a Child Protection Inspector, is actually a “diddler” himself. After Dennis points out that putting on a production as grotesque as a child pageant had attracted two unrelated cases of child diddling, Fat Mac has a revelation. Parents who force their children into these shows have no one to blame but themselves.Copyright © 2015, The Baltimore Sun