Hello, darlings. We're back in the ballroom, this time with a bunch of new dancers. That All-Star season had its moments, but was kind of a dud overall.
Lordie. Someone's given Barbara Barrie's hair to Kellie Pickler. (Relevant fact about Barrie: She's 81-years-old.) I get that Kellie shaved her head in solidarity with a friend being treated for cancer. But that doesn't answer why the hairstylist tonight hates her.
This new Lindsay pro (who I have a vague recollection of from "So You Think You Can Dance") looks all of 12 years old. Like, the Disney kid star looks older than this pro. Ai-yi-yi. Speaking of Zendaya, she's all about the hand gestures. Stop it, kid, you're bothering me.
"The Bachelor" guy has stolen Hugh Hefner's smoking jacket, which somehow seems appropriate. (Full disclosure: I have never watched "The Bachelor." But, it's a guy who lived in a house and "dated" a lot of women and yet manages to remain unmarried. Not far off from the Playboy Mansion for many years.)
Wynonna Judd looks about like I'd like if you put me in that dress — like something that should be on the front of an old-timey ship. "Prow" is never a word you want to bring to people's minds with your outfit.
As the theme music ends and the announcer finishes his introduction, Tom looks ceilingward and says, "Thank you, disembodied voice." Y'all, I know it's early in the episode, but I'm ready for my first "I LOVE HIM SO MUCH" of the season.
Kellie Pickler and Derek Hough: Cha Cha Cha
Kellie talks about how much "American Idol" changed her life. Regarding their nearly identical hair lengths, Kellie tells Derek that she'll be his Tinkerbell and he can be her Peter Pan. That's cute. Derek thinks she's got the tools to go really far. He's impressed with her flexible back.
It's a basic-enough routine, but Kellie looks comfortable with it and has some great sharpness to her poses and finishing her moves.
Tom introduces Len Goodman as a newlywed. What? What? I don't want to think about Len's sex life. It's like thinking about your school prinicipal that way. Ew.
Len liked it, saying her legs were a little bit stiff but it was a great start. Bruno is happy about the "shapes of things to come." Bruno looks critically at her leg movements as well. Carrie Ann tells her she has "incredible torso movement."
Kellie describes Derek as "a big brother," thereby cutting off at the pass any showmance speculation about these two.
Scores: Carrie Ann: 7; Len: 7; Bruno: 7
Fair. It was a good showing for the first week. Derek says 21 is his lucky first-week score.
Victor Ortiz and Lindsay Arnold: Foxtrot
Victor's mom left when he was 7 and his dad left when he was 12. He and his siblings raised themselves and then Victor made his pro-boxing debut at 17.
He has a new pro Lindsay and their first dance is the Foxtrot. He tells Lindsay he assumes that means he'll be in a fox suit, trotting around. Nice try, Victor, but you're not dancing with Mark Ballas.
Victor's got a million-dollar smile, but he misses at least one move and they're probably going to carp on his hunched-up shoulders.
Tom mentions Victor's smile, predicting that it alone will get him some votes. Ohmigod, I'm thinking like Tom Bergeron. This may be my definition of nirvana.
Bruno tells him to work on his foot placement, his frame and to watch his arms ("It's not 'Gorillas in the Mist.'") Carrie Ann likes his posture. Len wants more wows and thinks Victor can knock him out with the jive next week.
Lindsay uses the word "amazing" three times in one sentence while answering a question from Brooke. I find that ... not so amazing, actually.