I didn't notice the new credits until tonight, with all the stars getting the "Bat Signal" that "DWTS" needs them again and rushing to the studio. They make me chuckle, just a little bit.
Our first three out are Bristol & Mark, Kelly & Val and Pamela & Tristan. Bristol came back to see if she could improve her confidence. Tom assures her that she seemed more confident last night than she did in her entire prior run. And then we get rehearsal footage of how OTT Mark is.
Kelly missed the competitiveness of being on the show. Val didn't realize Kelly was an actress on a show called "General Hospital" and he thought she worked in an actual hospital. Now, he claims he was just "playing" with her.
Pam came back to challenge herself. Pam wants to come back next week so she can "tease" her future Broadway career.
Joey came back because he got so close, coming in second, and wants the win this time. Kym and Joey move the picture of them into their own rehearsal room. I totally approve.
Drew returned to become a better performer, since he's already won the trophy. Drew points out the differences between season 2 and now - the ballroom's changed, he's older ("Almost as old as [Tom]," Drew quips.)
Apolo came back to compete against the best of the best - that makes sense for a guy that's been to the Olympics more than once. You don't have to stop after just one gold medal, after all. Tom says, "You're currently in the middle of the pack - do you blame the suspenders?" HA!
Helio gives Chelsie a history and language lesson about why he's Brazilian but speaks Portugese. When Helio explains the whole idea of "colonialism" and sums up with "That's why South America speaks Spanish," Chelsie gasps about how America doesn't speak Spanish. (Uh...) It's funny, though, they cut to her with Tom and she's protesting, "They cut it too soon!" which tells me she was making a joke and the editors just wanted to mess with her. But then when she tries to explain herself it just gets worse. Poor Chelsie.
Melissa came back because "DWTS" was one of the best experiences of her life and she wanted to experience it again. Interestingly, Tom tells Tony he's always too hard on himself. I like when we get little glimpses of what Tom actually thinks of the stars and pros.
Gilles is honest that "DWTS" helped further his acting career, mentioning Brothers & Sisters and Switched at Birth. They have a supercut of how often Gilles claims to not be a dancer. It's pretty funny and it's cracking up Gilles.
The encore dance is Emmitt and Cheryl's cha cha. He just looks so loose and easy. Like, you can imagine that you could dance with Em at a wedding and have a blast.
Emmitt came back because he wanted to be a part of the first "All-Star" cast and didn't want to be a former champion who turned down the opportunity. At the end of Tom's interview with Cheryl & Emmitt, Emmitt congratulates Tom on his Emmy. I will take every opportunity myself to mention the award, myself.
Shawn came back to have the goal of working toward an award again. That makes sense for a retired competitor like her. For reasons I don't understand, Tom, Shawn, and Derek are all sitting on the floor together. We then get extended clips of Derek making fun of Shawn's shortness. I'm an inch shorter than Shawn, so I feel her pain. Short jokes are HILARIOUS. Shawn once knocked Mark Ballas cold. I may throw her a few votes this season just for that.
Sabrina came on the show for "redemption." Blah blah.
Tom tells Kirstie he had to sleep on the couch last night after the smooch she laid on him. Maks and Kirstie seem to get along well in rehearsal - Maks even seems to genuinely laugh.
The pros dance to that stripped down version of "I Wanna Dance with Somebody" that's been making the rounds lately — if you really want to hear a good cover of that, track down the David Byrne one. Then clothes start coming off for an uptempo bit of the routine. Now everybody's on the floor — it's a bit hectic and crowded but I do like seeing the pros get to strut their stuff.
After that hour of filler, let's do the recap of last night before actually giving any results. Watching Kym and Joey's backstage interview, all I can do is stare at Kym's chest and think, "How does she dance with those things?"
During Apolo's highlights, we see a flash of Florence Henderson in the audience. We hear Mark encouraging Bristol during the dance and then she goes and kisses her seriously adorable son at the end of the routine.
Derek calls Shawn his "little chipmunk." Keep it up, Derek, and the shortie will knock you out too.
Shawn & Derek are safe. Apolo & Karina are safe. Bristol & Mark are in jeopardy. Joey & Kym are safe.
Pitbull performs. There are lots of lighting effects and neon. Woo.
And now we're backstage with Brooke, who's wearing a really cool dress. Much more fun than her normal pageant wear.
Helio admits after the dance that he "screwed up." Drew and Joey goof around backstage and Drew looks tiny next to Joey. Kelly and Val play pattycake in their interview backstage and it's both impressive and adorable.
Helio & Chelsie are safe. Kelly & Val are safe. Drew & Anna are in jeopardy. Anna & Drew both give "What are you gonna do?" arms.
Montage about rehearsal. It's exactly as exciting as it sounds.
And now it's a routine from the Season 15 Troupe. Which makes them sound like Girl Scouts. Which might actually be kind of fun. More fun than pros you don't know or care about doing generic dance numbers each week.
Mark Cuban's in the audience to promote Shark Tank, which will feature Jonathan Roberts & Anna Trubanskaya this week. Wonder what their pitch is? Or will they be guest judges? I kind of want to watch to figure out — which I guess was ABC's point.
Gilles has an injured leg? Nooooo. Oh, only a pulled hamstring; he'll recover.
Backstage last night, Emmitt uses one of those little handheld fans on his head and it's kinda cute. While Gilles talks about doing a "classy foxtrot" Peta is totally rearranging her boobs. That's funny — thank you, editor. Louis cautions Sabrina during the dance, "Take your time." Bruno tells the other judges that she "messed it up three times."
Emmitt & Cheryl and Gilles & Peta are safe. There's confusion when Tom says, "You're all safe" and Sabrina & Louis start celebrating too. Then they let them off the hook and tell them they're safe too. Somewhere in the resulting exultations, someone says something that makes the censor hit the cut-out button.
Justin Bieber performs in dropped crotch leather pants. He keeps grabbing the bottom of the dropped crotch, making him look like a toddler that needs to go weewee. The girls in the audience could care less, screaming and crying, overwhelmed with the Bieber Fever.
Kirstie says, "You can't stop the show because I'm making out with Tom Bergeron." Poor Tom. Pam's hoping that "Bad rehearsal means good show." Too bad it didn't work out that way for her.
Wow, I didn't realize last night that Len's highest praise to Pam was, "You didn't fall over."
Kirstie & Maks are safe. Melissa & Tony are safe. Pamela & Tristan are in jeopardy.
So, who's going home? It's down to Drew or Pam. And to the shock of no one, Pam & Tristan are out. Can't say I'm sorry about that result at all.Copyright © 2015, The Baltimore Sun