And now we're back for the second half of "Guilty Pleasures" week.
There's some gimmick during introductions where the Team Gangnam women are all stony-faced while the men try to make them laugh. Cheryl's having the hardest time not cracking up.
Melissa Rycroft & Tony Dovolani
Their guilty pleasure dance is to Britney Spears' "Toxic," which is a tango. Melissa reminds Tony that they never did a tango, only the Argentine tango. Melissa gets frustrated and starts crying. THERE'S NO CRYING IN BALLROOM, LADY.
Melissa's wearing a wig that's a short bob in auburn. I'm not sure why, it's not flattering nor thematic. Her footing looks unsure through most of the routine. It's almost like something is off about her balance and if it weren't for Tony holding on to her she'd fall over.
Len says it was quick and sharp, but that she could've used a little more snap. He does acknowledge that her injury could be affecting that. Tom argues Melissa's case and he and Len bicker a little bit. Stop it! No fighting with Tom!
Bruno says it was "inTOXICating" and that her top line could have been better, but that may have been damaged by her injury. Carrie thinks Melissa's torso could be a little tighter.
Scores: Carrie Ann: 9; Len: 9; Bruno: 9
Shawn Johnson & Derek Hough
Their song is "My Heart Will Go On," which, you know, top of the charts, Oscar-winning, yada yada, nothing to be guilty about, yada yada.
And it's a rumba, so I'm already bored. Shawn's in the required "bed sheet" dress. One cool thing they're doing, is dancing on a raised circular platform in the middle of the ballroom, meaning their range of motion is much more limited than usual. And it allows Derek to disappear into the dry ice covering the floor as if he's Jack drowning. (Which, you know, didn't have to happen; Mythbusters proved it.)
Bruno says it was awesome, with "everchanging shapes" and motion and was "absolutely stunning." Carrie says Shawn's really matured as a dancer but then she nitpicks whether one move was a lift or not. Derek insists it was a catch. I rewound and watched again and I have to say I agree with Derek. Tom quips, "Tonight, Carrie plays the iceberg." I love him so much.
Len says it was less Titanic and more "Bleak House," which, ok. He just wanted to say the word "bleak." He claims there was no hip action, Bruno goes apenuts. Len says it wasn't a rumba, it was too clipped.
Scores: Carrie Ann: 9; Len 8; Bruno: 10
All over the place! Crazy!
Apolo Anton Ohno & Karina Smirnoff
They show Karina's slip and fall again. Poor thing. They're going to be doing samba and she's trying to get Apolo to do samba rolls.
Ooh, finally a guilty pleasure song that I really like -- "Give It to Me Baby" by Rick James. I'm such a sucker for disco, much to my parents' chagrin. They wouldn't let us listen to it when I was a kid, so now I'm like the kid that never got to eat sugar and would come over to your house and drink Kool-Aid until he barfed. Not that I'm saying disco is barfy. Just the opposite. I've got the disco fever and I don't want the cure!
Anyway, it's a fun routine, but they're not selling the sparkle quite like if, say Emmitt, was doing this. And they don't quite nail the samba rolls.
Carrie Ann says the leg work was fantastic and she liked the way they used the floor. But she says "something is not quite right." Like I said. Len thought it was terrific, with great hip action and clean, sharp, concise movements. Bruno thought the timing and rhythm was good.
Scores: Carrie Ann: 8.5 Len: 9.5; Bruno: 9
So, not quite as all over the map, but still a lot of variation.
Sabrina Bryan & Louis van Amstel
Shawn picked "So This is Love" from Cinderella because she's still got princess issues to work out. Sabrina's having a hard time in rehearsals with the vulnerability and softness the waltz requires.
Instead of the usual introduction, Voice Over Guy says, "Once upon a time in a land far, far away." Cute. Sabrina's arms and hands are really beautiful, highlighted by the white opera gloves she's wearing.
Len loved the story and the flow of it and adds that it was charming. Bruno's going nuts with his arm movements, so much so that Len gets out of his chair to be outside striking distance. He cautions Sabrina about her shoulders. Carrie Ann doesn't think she quite got to vulnerability, but that it was elegance personified.
Scores: Carrie Ann: 10; Len: 9.5; Bruno: 9.5
Team Gangnam style is clearly going to be not as technically challenging as last night's crew, but they're going to make up for it with enthusiasm.
They've decided to order their solos according to ability/scores, so Kirstie goes first, and I don't know how the other three are evaluating themselves. Maks and Gilles have a little alpha male competition. Kirstie says their dance is so "wild" that they're "all going to end up in an institution."
I expect any moment to get a call from my parents needing an explanation about Gangnam style. Which will be easy enough, as it's a meme I've managed to avoid almost entirely.
So, they're all in brightly colored suits, with each couple matching one another. And sunglasses. Oh, and all the women have on black short bobbed wigs.
It starts with them marching out and doing some standard twirl, present, repeat moves. Although at one point, all the women bend over and poor Kirstie is in front and I'm fairly sure she wouldn't have chosen to have her backside on display in unflattering hot pink trousers.
The first solo is Kirstie and Maks and they rip off their suits, for reasons I don't understand, so that Maks is wearing a mesh cutoff shirt, little green shorts, and striped tube socks. And Kirstie is in a tank top and leggings that are also not the most flattering thing she could be asked to wear. Her shirt says Gangnam, and when she turns around we see "Style" on her backside. They do a couple of awkward cartwheel turns and then shake their booties and then get down on all fours and I swear this sounds like I'm on drugs but I'm not.
Emmitt and Cheryl rip off their suits to reveal Emmitt in an undershirt and yellow shorts and knee pads. While Cheryl is in a blue slip/dress. They do that weird side-to-side gallop that's part of Gangnam, then Emmitt gets down on all fours and Cheryl does the cowboy moves above him, and then they both get up and Emmitt slides across the floor Hammer-style.
Then when he and Cheryl meet up again, she jumps up and wraps her legs around his waist and it's more cowboy kind of moves. This just makes no sense and it's awful and fantastic at the same time.
Val rips off his suit, so that he's shirtless and Kelly's wearing sequined hot pants. Then Kelly pretends to smack Val's tush. And then there's lots of spinning. Lots of spinning. More spinning. And then Kelly's in Val's arms and spinning. More spinning. And pose, and done.
And finally, Peta and Gilles rip off their suits, to reveal only towels. That's right, Peta has three towels, one on her head, turban-style, one around her breasts and one around her waist. Gilles, thankfully, only has the one. And it is small. I love being pandered to like this.
Although, Gilles is still wearing the black dance shoes with his tiny towel, which is completely unsexy. At one point, Peta does a handstand in front of Gilles and he splits her legs apart, then looks down and back up with an "O" of shock on his face. I swear this really happened. And then there's more Gangnam style moves.
Then all four couples are back on stage to do the weird Gangnam things. There's lots of hip thrusting and they've wisely put Gilles and Tiny Towel in the front. And then for some reason, garbage is blown at them all over the stage -- like cardboard and packing peanuts and stuff. And then there's more thrusting and bouncing and then they all collapse on the floor. At which point, Tiny Towel becomes my new hero by slipping open. But Tiny Towel is thwarted by the evil villain Modesty Shorts. I shake my tiny fist of anger at Modesty Shorts.
That was completely insane. I've watched it twice and I still can't believe it really happened.
I just watched it a third time. It still happened.
Tom says it was the most fun he's had in 15 years. Len says that was the craziest number he's ever seen. And he says this while holding a can of silly string in each hand. LEN! Ddouble fisting silly string! I told you we've all gone crazy.
Len says it wasn't tight, it wasn't together, but it was fun. And then he shoots silly string at the dancers because the world has gone mad.
Bruno asks Gilles for Tiny Towel (he doesn't call it that; it's my own special name). And Gilles takes it off and gives it to him. Meaning Tiny Towel is out of the way to make room for the new hero Modesty Shorts. Because they're not so modest after all.
I rechristen them Tiny Shorts. (I am told this is similar to when The White Queen became Emma Frost in the X-Men.) And I yelp so loudly in joy that all the cats ran and hid under something. Now they need drugs.
Carrie calls it a "hot mess" and then "crazy fun insanity." As the dancers are walking up to Brooke, Maks throws his mesh shirt into the crowd. Gilles is hiding behind the other dancers because Tiny Shorts are shy.
Scores: Carrie Ann: 9; Len: 9; Bruno: 9
That's fair. For as much fun as it was, this is still technically a dancing competition and that deserved to be scored lower than the cheer number we saw last night.
There's no elimination tonight. So these two scores will be added to next week's scores to determine which couple is eliminated next week.
As they stand around for the end of the show, someone's given Gilles a robe. The Silken Robe is our new villain. Team Tiny Shorts.
Scoreboard for this week:
Tiny Shorts: 99.5
Sabrina & Louis 58.5
Melissa & Tony: 56.5
Shawn & Derek: 56.5
Gilles & Peta: 56.5
Tiny Towel: 56.5
Apolo & Kristina: 56.5
Emmitt & Cheryl: 56
Kirstie & Maks: 52.5
Kelly & Val: 51.5
Silken Robe: -15Copyright © 2014, The Baltimore Sun