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'Dancing with the Stars: All-Stars' recap, Eliminations before 'Guilty Pleasures' week

DanceJustice SystemWhitney HoustonF. Scott FitzgeraldPaula Abdul

Last night, Paula Abdul judged, Karina cried and people did a lot of flips and lifts.

The opening number has lots of ladies in their skivvies, dancing with men who get to wear pants and unbuttoned, but tucked in shirts. It starts with one woman in the center of a large piece of black fabric, like the parachutes we used to play with in elementary school gym class. Except nobody's playing "Fruit Basket Turnover" which would be much more amusing.

They show Bruno telling the other judges about Bristol, "She didn't get it wrong once. Not once." They neglect to show the blindfold he wore during the routine. Kelly & Val are all schmoopy in the backstage interview - Kelly has the look of someone who's been given GOOD painkillers.

Shawn & Derek are safe.

Kelly & Val are safe.

Bristol & Mark are in jeopardy. (Ohpleaseohpleaseohplease let her be going home tonight)

Sabrina & Louis are safe.

Carson Kressley is back and wearing a spangly jacket and he makes me grin. He discovers Kelly in the hair and makeup trailer, with ice on her broken toe. And then he's helping apply bronzer to Gilles's chest, because sometimes in Hollywood dreams do come true. Then Carson greets Maks like a long-lost brother and calls him Little Lord Fauntleroy (which Maks doesn't get) and then the Great Maksby. F. Scott Fitzgerald gently rotates in his final resting place.

Tom says he "going off-script" to make a point of emphasizing that tonight's dance number is not prerecorded, like they sometimes are, but is LIVE. It's a Christopher Scott-choreographed performance from The League of Extraordinary Dancers. I'm really looking forward to this - they're usually amazing.

Christina Grimmie is there playing "Titanium" - a song I didn't know until I heard it in Pitch Perfect (a fun movie, by the way). The dancing is several b-boys doing their moves with a ballerina en pointe. And then it gets a little Clockwork Orange with guys in white suits and black bowler hats. The ballerina has kicked off her toe shoes and is now doing moves that are more lyrical jazz than ballet. That was really beautiful, but I have to admit to liking the LXD at full-speed.

Next week is "Guilty Pleasures" week. Emmitt's is "Copacabana." Gilles admits his is Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You." Can't say that I'm looking forward to hearing a DWTS band singer try to tackle that.

Bruno practically drools on Gilles backstage when he sees him shirtless. Up in the box after his performance the other contestants are doing that "Ole" soccer cheer. It's endearing. Len apparently saw the moment Apolo's mike came off. It's a good thing Karina wasn't hurt, that was a HARD landing.

Gilles & Peta are safe.

Emmitt & Cheryl are safe.

Apolo & Karina are in jeopardy.

There's a problem with the teleprompter and Tom covers saying, "What do you want me to say? I'll read anything you put in front of me. Like 'Anchorman.'" Say it with me if you know the words: I LOVE HIM SO MUCH.

Cheryl's choreographed a group dance with two other couples she's known since she's 12. And Tito Puente Jr. will be playing percussion because why not? It's Santana's "Oye Como Va" - I'm kind of surprised they didn't have Santana back on. He was just on last season.

Tony and Melissa beat themselves up a little bit for their problem with the lift. Highlights from Kirstie's routine include the part where it seemed like Maks' struggled to lift and push her across the floor. NOT NICE, producers. Backstage they're crowing about getting "their first 30" and they don't care that it took an extra person to get it. Good attitude.

Melissa & Tony are safe.

Kirstie & Maks are in jeopardy.

So, big shock, the couples with the three lowest scores are in jeopardy. I haven't done the math this week to see how many more votes than Bristol Kirstie would need to stay in. If Bristol DOES go home I'll work it out and report back next week.

Donnie Osmond and Susan Boyle sing a duet. Nothing extraordinary happens. I do like Susan's dress.

Next week will be team dances and tonight they'll pick those teams live. Because everyone loves reliving, as Tom calls it, "the angst of high school gym class." Brooke laughs nervously because she was always picked relatively early.

Gilles & Peta and Shawn & Derek are captains. First, they pick envelopes containing the Guilty Pleasure song they'll be dancing to with their team. Team Gilles has "Gangnam Style." Which I will now have to explain to my mother. We'll need a fresh box of wine. Team Derek has "Call Me Maybe."

Gilles wins the coin toss and picks Kelly & Val. Derek picks Sabrina & Louis. So the two young blondes are going to be on the same team. That's going to be one PERKY routine. Tom tells them to move it along so they don't run into the debate time. WHAT?!! You're telling me the LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD can't HANG ON JUST A SECOND until we get these teams picked and a couple sent home? Where are our priorities, America?

Gilles hurriedly picks Kirstie & Maks. Sabrina picks Melissa & Tony. Gilles picks Emmitt & Cheryl. Sabrina takes Apolo & Karina.

Bristol & Mark will either be eliminated or they will go to the team who just chose a soon-to-be-eliminated couple.

So, which couple was in jeopardy but not actually in the bottom two? Apolo & Karina. So, third to last place in the judges' scores was also third to last after fan votes were added in. Pick my jaw up off the floor.

Bristol and Mark are going home. I'm dancing the dance of joy. I don't even care that this means I have to make good on my promise to do math.

See you next week for guilty pleasures. Let's see what socially acceptable guilty pleasures will be on display.

Copyright © 2014, The Baltimore Sun
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DanceJustice SystemWhitney HoustonF. Scott FitzgeraldPaula Abdul
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