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'Bachelor' recap, 50 shades of crazy

ABC did not let us down -- and neither did the 26 women vying for the love of this season's bachelor. He's heartbroken, boy next door, beach blonde Sean Lowe!

Sean, whose Twitter profile reads "I love the little things in life like good food, road trips, TX country music and great conversation. Most importantly, I love Jesus!", made it perfectly clear that he's in it for love, his soul mate, the woman that he'll ultimately spend the rest of his life with. Not so sure that Sean was ready for this season's suitors.

The premiere began with Sean's prayer that included "with certainty, my wife is in this room." That of course before the room filled with a chick in a wedding gown, one from Tennessee, that not only wrote a song but sang it, an Italian chick that warned him that if he broke her heart, her dad would break his legs and who could forget the fifty shades of CRAZY chick!

We were immediately reminded of why we all love Sean so much, as we were taken on an emotional ride down memory lane, seeing the super confident Sean not receive the final rose from Emily during last season and having to take the walk of shame, sniff, sniff, snot, snot.

I don't know about anyone else but I fell in love with Sean all over again and just wanted to give him a big ole hug. However, he got his fair share of hugs as the ladies arrived and even had one of the ladies try to slip him a little tongue. Yuck, lady!

Arie visited to give his jilted pal some tips on how to find love this season -- while also offering up what may have been the most uncomfortable moment of the evening: kissing lessons. Yeah, Arie, let the ladies show Sean what makes for a good kiss!

Time to meet the ladies:

Des, 26 who told the world that she is waiting for the person that completes her, the missing puzzle piece. A little needy/clingy but Sean loved it and Des was the recipient of the first impression rose (or the twelfth impression rose, I lost count).

Sean changed the rules here. Hey, he is The Bachelor and he's apparently making up the rules as he goes along, but boy did he throw Des to the wolves by giving her a rose not only before the rose ceremony but minutes from her stepping outside of the limo. Des may just be the lady to watch.

Tierra, 24, has been in love twice and heartbroken twice. Tierra seemed more like a fan than a potential life partner as she screamed like a groupie when told that Sean was the new bachelor.

Robyn, 24, who is sick of being single, is teaching herself to speak Spanish while leaving sticky notes around her home. Just one of the many quirks displayed by what may very well be the most quirky bunch of ladies in "The Bachelor" history. Robyn also touted that she is sick of being single, a common thread by the new bunch, leaving me to wonder are they there for Sean or would anybody do?

Dianna 30, is a divorced salon owner with two children. Is Sean ready for a microwave family? There was no conversation about divorce or her already having children during the initial meet and greet. Do you save this valuable information for after you receive a rose? I think not. It could be a deal breaker and I'd rather have my deal broken sooner than later. Tsk, tsk, tsk single mommy -- no secrets!

The stunning Sarah, 26 years old, is absolutely gorgeous and was born with one arm. This imperfect beauty was the recipient of what she called "a perfect rose -- no thorns." It will be interesting to see how long she sticks around (hopefully for genuine emotion and not to drag us along for a sympathy ride). She may very well be one of the most attractive ladies in the bunch and wants to be treated like the rest of the gals. We'll see.

Ashley P. is 28 and Fifty Shades of CRAZY! Said she has no idea why she's still single. Try these on for size, Ash: You talk to your cat, your initial hope was that Sean would meet you, rip your clothes of and spank you, you showed up and pulled a necktie out of your boobs and offered it up to be bound and gagged, you got drunk awaiting the rose ceremony and did a little stripper dance. Those could be just a few reasons you're still single. Some guys dig all of that, but perhaps not one who "loves Jesus" in his Twitter profile. We'll ask Sean to pray for your crazy lil' soul!

Leslie, 25, showed up with a football, hut one, hut two -- let me see your booty Sean!

If Kristy, a 25-year-old model says "The best from the Midwest" one more time, I'm voting her off the island.

Then there's Ashlee, 32, a professional OCD organizer. Adopted. 6 Foster homes. Cried within 5 minutes of the show. Oh, Ashlee.

Jackie, 25, stepped out of the limo, put on lipstick to ummmm, "put her mark" on Sean and planted a big red one on his cheek. Just as I reached to wipe my TV screen to get that off his cheek, out steps Selma, 29, with a Kleenex! Wipe, wipe, wipe. Thanks, Selma.

Leslie, 29, said "Holy Toledo" and called Sean "Mr. McSteamy." What are we, 12?

Daniella, Ms. touchy feely, with her "I'll see you inside," in her sex kitten voice -- I don't have her sticking around long.

Kelly from Tennessee, wrote a song about "us," and played it. Ummmm, "American Idol" auditions are on another channel.

Katie is barefoot yoga instructor. That's it. Namaste.

Tarryn seems to be the only chick that didn't have a disturbing reality TV show stalker crush on Sean. She never watched the show and was interested in getting to know him as he got to know her without any prior knowledge. We like Tarryn.

Here's Robyn again (remember sticky note, teaching-myself-Spanish Robyn?). She also knows how to do a back flip, sorta kinda. She steps out of the limo in a full length gown, gets into position and hits a single back flip, perfectly, goes in for back flip number two and FLOPS!!! What on Earth made you step out of a limo in a gown and flip? Backhand flip, FLOP, wiped out on the cobblestone driveway. Flop.

And Lacey, "most people call me Lace, I cut a heart out of a cheesy piece of lace and would like for you to keep it in your pocket all night and think of me." Yawn.

Paige, 25, is one of two women with interesting ideas about traveling. She said she would have walked from Minnesota to California to meet him. From the crazed look in her eyes, I believe her.

Amanda the fitness model gained some points with Sean with her "awkward moment." She offered up the opportunity to get the awkward silent moment out of the way and stood there silently with Sean and did a pretty good job of breaking the ice. Bravo, Amanda.

Bizarre transportation lady number two: Kerianne drove 2,777 miles to be with Sean. I'm guessing no one told her about airplanes.

We meet Brooke, Diana, Ashley H., "Hi Ken, I'm you're Barbie" Lauren and Lindsey.  Lindsey. Lindsey. Lindsey. She showed up in a wedding gown and tried to throw her tongue down his throat. I'm guessing Lindsey has not a friend in the world, as someone should have told her that showing up dressed for your wedding with a dude you've never met just may creep him out a bit.

That wraps up the 25 ladies all single, super available and willing to give Sean everything for a chance to be Mrs. Lowe -- and then there were 26?

Kacie's back. Yeah that Kacie. Ben's show Kacie; even Kacie wants a chance to be with Sean. This is going to be a very interesting season. Interesting indeed. Kacie?

Sean heated things up a bit, giving Des the "first impression" rose, then shook things up a heck of lot more as he proceeded to give out 11 more "first impression" roses -- 12 women with roses before the rose ceremony!

Insecurities were heightened, cat claws were out, drama was brewing and seven more were awarded roses during the ceremony. Amanda. Leslie H. Kacie, yes Kacie. Christie. Daniella. Tarryn and even wedding dress clad Lindsey (perhaps she's on to something). Next first date, I'm showing up in a wedding gown.

Out were the Italian leg-breaker, Paige from "Bachelor Pad," the country singer and Ashley H. -- all of whom used "devastated and heartbroken" in their concession speeches. Devastated and heartbroken? Didn't we all just meet tonight?  In true "Bachelor" form, tears rolled, mascara ran and off to limo they went -- morbidly single without a chance ever in life to find true love (until of course they audition to be on some other reality show).

Glasses raised and Sean toasts "to the possibility of finding love." Good luck Mr. Lowe. From the snippets of upcoming episodes, there's sure to be lots of twists and turns, tears, mascara running, devastation, heartbreak ... and fifty shades of crazy.

I'm glued to my seat until next Monday.

Copyright © 2014, The Baltimore Sun
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