By Sarah Haller and Chris Kinling
6:52 AM EDT, August 14, 2012
It's hard to focus on tonight's "Bachelor Pad" while we are eagerly awaiting ABC to confirm Olympic gold medalist swimmer Ryan Lochte as the next Bachelor.
And this isn't a pipe dream like our "Make Chris Harrison the Next Bachelor" Facebook group. A few days ago, Lochte let slip to Matt Lauer on"Today" that he wanted to be the next Bachelor and appear on "Dancing with the Stars."
Is he a good candidate? Well, he's single and famous. Without the gold medals, he's just like Bachelor Brad without the southern accent. Though the medals do make him cooler than all the previous Bachelors.
Game show mash-up
Sarah: I've been waiting for this competition -- where the contestants rip each other a new one -- but it wasn't as exciting as I expected. A mix of pop culture and "Bachelor" trivia, the game revealed what contestants really thought of each other. Even though they all filled out the same survey, they seemed surprised at the questions during the game. Nick thinks Blakely ("Cougar") has accomplished the least in life and Blakely thinks Jamie ("Gloves") is the most annoying person in the house. Agreed.
Chris: It's unfortunate that Chris Harrison didn't delve into the weighty issues like attractiveness and sex appeal. We need more tears and shattered psyches. Somehow the two players with the lowest IQs win -- Jaclyn ("Muppet") and Ed ("Adam Corolla").
If only they could predict the future
Sarah: Jaclyn chooses Ed to go on her one-on-one date—a picnic in empty Dodgers' stadium. Magically, the kiss cam spots them and throws their haggard faces on the jumbo-tron. After a weak kiss, an insane amount of fireworks light up the sky. What part of ABC's budget is dedicated to fireworks? Since Ed also won a rose this week, he must now give his rose and the opportunity for a date to another guy.
Chris: You know how when you first get into a rental car, it's clean and smells good? Then after a week, there are crumbs everywhere and it smells like a wet dog? That's how Chris ("Lt. Dan") feels about Jamie.
We couldn't write a better plotline for this
Sarah: Ed and Jaclyn give the rose to Ed's best bud Chris. Instead of picking his partner Blakeley or his bed buddy Jamie, he chooses Sarah ("Praying Mantis"). Blakeley is rightfully pissed, but should have known by now that Chris is a tool without a conscience. Jamie actually believes that his choice was to protect her from Blakeley's wrath.
Chris: Jamie has official gone from naïve to just plain stupid. Chris could poop in her bed and blame it on a stray dog and she would believe it.
Sarah: This must be the week for recycled dates -- Chris and Sarah filmed an action movie sequence, which featured Sarah in a leather unitard and Chris with a shirt unbuttoned to his navel. Afterwards they hot tub humped and Sarah now thinks they are partners. Can't wait for the fallout on this one.
Chris: Did Chris forget that Sarah just hooked up with Dr. Ed Grime-Time two weeks ago? Chris actually just compared Sarah to the new car smell. And now they just booked a room in a hotel. Can they do that?
Rose ceremony showdown
Sarah: Even though Kalon's butt-chin and Erica's boobs are still in the house, the names floating around to go home this week are David ("Frosted Tips"), Nick, Jamie and Blakeley.
Chris: David and Jamie get the boot. Jamie believes she's a failure for getting voted off, but she's actually a failure for making a fool of herself on national television. Same for David, but even more so because he was a big enough fan to get a spot on the show in the first place.
The remaining contestants (in order of the most obnoxious, this week)
Chris ("Lt. Dan"), 25 -- unfortunately, we think Sarah is the last of his indiscretions -- there are no cute girls left in the house.
Sarah ("Praying Mantis"), 28 -- she acts more 18 than 28. We hope your father has no idea you are on this show.
Blakeley ("Cougar"), 34 -- Chris is back on her diarrhea list. Here’s hoping they both go home next week.
Kalon ("Butt Chin"), 27 -- we appreciate his loyalty to Lindzi, though he's still a moron in life.
Jaclyn ("Muppet"), 27 -- it's cute that you like Ed. Both of your brains combined roughly equal that of a 10-year-old.
Ed ("Adam Corolla"), 32 -- this may be Ed's first sober episode.
Rachel ("Snaggle Tooth"), 27 -- not one scene on camera this week, but judging from the previews, looks like things are heating up with her and Michael next week.
Erica ("Plastic Princess"), 29 -- we previously listed her as 31 (she looks 31+), but just noticed a "29" next to her name. Is this one of those "it's my third 29th birthday" things?
Lindzi ("Horse Girl"), 27 -- she's like an attractive wart on Kalon's arm -- she's always stuck to him, but doesn't hurt or help his situation.
Michael ("Puppy"), 28 -- he's like the dad of the house.
Just send these guys home, we still don't know a thing about them:
Nick, 27 -- Ashley the dentist dumped him on"The Bachelorette"for being too reserved
Tony, 31 -- previously known as Woody, Emily dumped him early on after he cried about missing his kid.
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