By Sarah Haller and Chris Kinling
5:56 AM EDT, July 31, 2012
The "Bachelor Pad" had some stiff competition this week: the XXX Olympics.
How do you win over your audience? Have girls in leotards eating bananas and guys in hot tubs in the same episode. It's like "Real World" for adults.
Sarah: The producers waste no time getting into the most ridiculous competition: ribbon dancing. They call it gymnastics, which even though I'm not a gymnast, I find this highly insulting. This was an individual competition and of course the Plastic Princess and Adam Corolla (Ed) had the lowest scores. Michael and Blakeley pulled off a win.
Chris: Previous Bachelorette Ashely and winner Jason judged the "competition" along with olympic gymnast Tasha Schwikert. The only thing that could have made this less lame would be John Tesh as the commentator.
Three times the charm
Sarah: Even though Michael promises to save the Plastic Princess with a rose and a date, he ends up choosing Snaggle Tooth, D-Wow (Donna) and Horse Girl. Let's be real, Donna had to eat a banana in front of Michael to get his attention. Classy broads cut them into pieces before eating them in front of dudes.
Chris: Their date started off at a poor man's Nickelback concert. Also, what war did Michael fight in? I mean, he is wearing dog tags. Horse Girl is too classy for this date. He gives the rose to Rachel, because they made out?
Lt. Dan is sleaze
Sarah: Let's review: Lt. Dan partners with Cougar (Blakeley). Gloves (Jaime) likes Lt. Dan. He makes out with Gloves, THEN goes to bed with Cougar. Gloves walks in, cries her fake eye lashes off and crawls into the top bunk above them. Awkward.
Chris: Chris always looked stoned, but is a super manipulator. Why is Jaime so upset? Lt. Dan paired with Cougar first so Gloves is technically the trollop in the situation.
A race to the bottom
Sarah: Cougar chooses Lt. Dan, Adam Corolla and Frosted Tips (David) for her date. They paint and race boxcars. I have serious issues with Blakeley's attire. Her tank top looks like it could be a dress or a cap. And her shorts, really? They are exactly a half inch shorter than her tank top. There are longer shorts available atWal-Mart.
Chris: Two out of three guys have their shirts unbuttoned to their navels. Is that the new style? Please grow some chest hair! Despite not being interested in Cougar, Lt. Dan manages to receive the rose at the end of the date. I was hoping that it would be the fan so that his big schnoz could hang around for another week.
Adam Corolla is a nut and the Twins freak out
Sarah: Adam Corolla and Praying Mantis (Sarah) sneak off for a few moments of under-the-cover conversation. Among the words out of Ed's mouth are "I am the champion." "Who wants a pickle?" and "God Bless America!" Praying Mantis was otherwise occupied and had no words to add to the "conversation."
Chris: The Twins started fighting about who knows what and ended up leaving the show. Now the rest of the girls are safe from elimination. Ryan ends up getting voted off, possibly because he was a 32-year-old virgin.
The remaining contestants
Plastic Princess (Erica R.), 31 -- we're perplexed how she made it this far without moving her upper lip.
Lt. Dan (Chris B.), 25 -- he has gone from the most awkward guy on"The Bachelorette"to the most awkward sleaze on the "Bachelor Pad."
Horse Girl (Lindzi), 27 -- Why is she hanging out with Kalon? She's the most attractive and intelligent girl on the show. Actually, she shouldn't be on this show.
Snaggle Tooth (Rachel), 27 -- all of the previews show her crying. Let's hurry this along.
Muppet (Jaclyn), 27 -- she slides by because she's got a mean game. I'm sure she was a bully in high school.
Butt Chin (Kalon), 27 -- by the way, what does a luxury brand consultant do?
D-Wow (Donna), 22 -- way to bring a sketch pad on a date and draw a police sketch of Micheal.
Frosted Tips (David), 28 -- here's hoping that you're growing those tips out.
Gloves (Jamie), 25 -- what is with the fingerless gloves? We can understand if it was essential for a certain outfit, but she wore them the entire episode.
Praying Mantis (Sarah), 28 -- hooked up with Ed, then voted him off!
Cougar (Blakeley), 34 -- she's 13 years too old to shop at Forever 21.
Adam Corolla (Ed), 32 -- we now regret rooting for him in Jillian's season. He is out of his mind.
Nerd Alert (Reid), 33 -- he has a lot of promise if he could just grow a personality.
Still working on nicknames for these contestants. Comment with your suggestions!
(Nick), 27 -- Ashley the dentist dumped him on the "Bachelorette" for being too reserved
(Tony), 31 -- previously known as Woody, Emily dumped him early on after he cried about missing his kid.
(Michael), 28 -- dumped by Jillian on the "Bachelorette," then by Holly on the "Bachelor Pad." He won last year's "Bachelor Pad." Everyone loves him, but he's too nice for his own good.
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