Now we're getting somewhere.
Last week, Michael ("Puppy") and Erica ("Plastic Princess") were voted off, Blakeley ("Cougar") declared war on Chris ("Lt. Dan") and Ed ("Adam Corolla") revealed his lack-of-desire for Jaclyn ("The Muppet") in front of the whole house.
Now that everyone hates each other and Rachel ("Snaggle Tooth") is permanently crying in the corner, Chris Harrison drops another bomb -- they are now competing, and voting, as couples.
Elementary school spelling bee
Sarah: This week the contestants compete in a triple-elimination spelling bee. I know we aren't dealing with the smartest bunch of adults, but seriously? They can't even spell "ceremony?" Somehow the dumbest couple in the group won -- Sarah & Chris (not us, the idiotic and less attractive Sarah ("Praying Mantis") & Chris. Have I mentioned how annoying it is to share their name?) Luckily, they leave for their date immediately so the rest of the group can start trash talking.
Chris: I'd like to think anyone over the age of 12 could spell "engagement," "jewelry," "obsessive" and "elimination." I'm pretty sure those words were on my fifth grade spelling list. Maybe if the words were all venereal diseases, they would have had more success. Who in the "Bachelor Pad" doesn’t know how to spell "syphilis?"
Go jump in a lake
Sarah: Sarah and Chris fly to California's wine country and jump in a lake. While this was a great time to take a snack break, did anyone see Sarah's eyebrows wash when she came to the surface? Other than that snippet, the date was lame -- they ate dinner in a barn and danced to nonexistent music.
Chris: Rachel is a waste of space and should probably be in the hospital for dehydration. Jaclyn refers to her as a "stage seven earthquake disaster" and tries to get her voted out of the house. A few minutes later, Rachel confides in her about her sadness, prompting Jaclyn to pinky swear that she will keep her in the game and vote Kalon ("Butt Chin") and Lindzi ("Horse Girl") out instead.
Jaclyn is even dumber than she looks
Sarah: Jaclyn keeps mentioning how afraid she is to get hurt, but how she's so in love with Ed. Did she miss the part when he said he wasn't interested in a relationship with her IN FRONT OF EVERYONE? Of course they go on an overnight date anyway. This time Ed tells her not only is he not interested in a relationship, but he also has a girlfriend back home. Then a few minutes later, he says he wants to continue sleeping with her and be a couple. Okay.
Chris: Jaclyn "doesn't want to look like a whore" and Ed "doesn't want to look like an asshole." So they agree to be a couple and continue sleeping together.
War of the roses
Sarah: Though not really explained, Ed and Jaclyn must choose a couple to be safe from elimination and they select best buds Tony ("Slug") and Blakeley. When threatened with a vote, Nick ("Widow Snatcher") finally starts talking and won't shut up. Of course people want to vote you off -- you've been lounging all season and your partner has been crying hysterically all week.
Chris: Kalon and Lindzi get the shaft and leave together in the same limo. The other contestants think they look cute together and will be together "for a while." How long is "a while" in Bachelor-speak? A few weeks or a calendar year?
The remaining couples (in order of the most obnoxious, this week)
Ed ("Adam Corolla") & Jaclyn ("Muppet") -- Ed is a jerk and Jaclyn is an idiot. If she doesn't believe him when he says he's not interested, she deserves him.
Nick ("Widow Snatcher") & Rachel ("Snaggle Tooth") -- We really can't deal with another week of Rachel crying and Nick's forehead. Here's hoping for a self-elimination.
Chris ("Lt. Dan") & Sarah ("Praying Mantis") -- It's amazing they are still here. It's also amazing that two couples annoyed us more than them this week.
Tony ("Slug") & Blakeley ("Cougar") -- This relationship makes us uncomfortable in the same way that watching a fat man try to mount a horse makes us feel uneasy. You don't know whether to be sad for the fat man or the horse.Copyright © 2015, The Baltimore Sun