The remaining contestants (in order of the most obnoxious, this week)

Ed ("Adam Corolla"), 32 -- what a jerk. You're hooking up with Jaclyn and then say on national television that it means nothing. Have you heard of lying? Your friends are good at it.

Chris ("Lt. Dan"), 25 -- quit skulking around in that disgusting gray hoody.

Sarah ("Praying Mantis"), 28 -- just realized your facial features resemble Miley Cyrus. We are ready for you to go home now.

Blakeley ("Cougar"), 34 -- at least all of America was excited about your extravagant overnight date in a trailer.

Rachel ("Snaggle Tooth"), 27 -- oh get over it, Michael is gone.

Kalon ("Butt Chin"), 27 -- your love for Lindzi is no match for your love for scandal. Getting Chris to take Erica into the voting room was the biggest play yet. Your our vote to win, but only if you choose love over money. Don't you have enough anyway?

Jaclyn ("Muppet"), 27 -- this is the first time we've seen a sad muppet! But really, Ed? He was a drunken jerk from day one, so you should have seen this coming.

Lindzi ("Horse Girl"), 27 -- you seem really sweet. We need to warn you about Kalon. Hees a turd.

Tony ("Slug"), 31 -- we know why it took him four weeks to earn a nickname -- he just sits around the house all day. Here's a new rule for the "Bachelor Pad" drinking game: Drink every time you see Tony lounging in the background. Take a shot if his mouth is hanging open.

Nick ("Widow Snatcher"), 27 -- now that Michael's gone, he's swooping in on Rachel.