By Sarah Haller and Chris Kinling
7:09 AM EDT, August 7, 2012
We may have bigger problems than being fans of "The Bachelor" series, watching it every week and writing this blog.
"The Bachelor Pad" is now consuming our random thoughts. Questions like, "do these people have full time jobs?" come to mind while I'm in the shower. Chris thinks on the toilet, "how can I become a luxury brand consultant?"
After a serious debate of these questions and more, we're still perplexed as to why grown-ass men and women taking part in reality television (when less than a million dollars and/or a recording contract is on the line) and why we watch, and love, it.
Hot sludge fundae
Sarah: To win the rose this week, the contestants race through a hot fudge sundae obstacle course, which includes a nut sack hop to the finish (it's really just a potato sack, but hearing the contestants complain about the nut sack is brilliant.) Chris Harrison is enjoying this, a lot. It must be like watching all of your annoying coworkers embarrass themselves at a conference talent show.
Chris: Give me a break Ed ("Adam Corolla") -- all men should be able to pull their own weight up a chocolate slide. Ed and his partner Jamie didn't finish, so they each have a vote against them. David ("Frosted Tips") and Rachel ("Snaggle Tooth") won the roses and the dates.
Senior Prom vs. raging pool party
Sarah: David takes Erica ("Plastic Princess"), Blakely ("Cougar") and Jamie on his date --to prom. Just like typical high school proms, there were balloons, glitter and crying. Jaime cried while telling David that she missed her junior and senior proms because her mom "started to go missing" on those weekends. While they acted like teenagers, everyone else acted awesome at pool with an open bar. Ed hooked up with Jaclyn ("The Muppet") -- his under-the-cover exclamations included "What are you going to do with it?" and "What's your name again?"
Chris: Blakely is upset because she put her neck on the line to save David in the previous episode. She expected a return of the favor, but David opts to give the rose to Jamie in hopes of a love connection, landing him on Blakely's "diarrhea list." You can't blame him for not choosing someone who graduated high school in Clinton’s first term. If Blakeley took David to her senior prom, he would have been 12.
Wax figure prank date
Sarah: Rachel chose Nick, Tony and Michael ("Puppy") for her date to Madame Toussaud's Wax Museum. They were coated in spray tans and latex, and then plopped into a rose ceremony scene poised to scare tourists snapping pictures in front of them. I'm surprised the tourists even recognized these contestants. One woman tried to find a word to describe Tony and all she could think of was "a nicer word than pathetic." Michael won the rose since the other two were so lame.
Chris: While they were out on the date, more drama ensued at the mansion. Jamie approached Chris for some late-night loving, but he treated her advances like three-week old milk. His excuse was that he was tired and that "it's not you, it's me." Then she cried.
The voting flow chart
Sarah: It's the outcasts (David, Reid, Tony, Erica, Donna and Nick) vs. the popular kids (Blakely, Ed, Jaclyn, Chris and Michael). Everyone is so wishy-washy that it's impossible to figure out who has the most votes. That and the girls keep crying and changing their minds.
Chris: When the dust settled, Reid's manipulation and Donna's hamster brain earned them a limo ride home.
The remaining contestants (in order of the most obnoxious)
Kalon ("Butt Chin"), 27 -- he doesn't appear anywhere in this episode, except at the end to stir up trouble.
Chris ("Lt. Dan"), 25 -- we're disappointed he couldn't rally to make out with Jamie.
Blakeley ("Cougar"), 34 -- we'd hate to be on her diarrhea list.
Ed ("Adam Corolla"), 32 -- we see a future stint on celebrity rehab. Is he a celebrity?
Rachel ("Snaggle Tooth"), 27 -- not sure what Michael sees in her. She's going to start crying any second.
Jaclyn ("Muppet"), 27 -- definitely the least attractive person (inside and out) in the entire "Bachelor" series.
David ("Frosted Tips"), 28 -- who gave you that feminine tank top? This is only the second time we've seen anyone where that tank top ever (man or woman). The first offender was Fluff Head Ryan from last season of "The Bachelorette."
Jamie ("Gloves"), 25 -- we hope David doesn't continue his useless crush on this waste of space.
Sarah ("Praying Mantis"), 28 -- she was the swing vote on keeping Ed and getting rid of Reid. Why would anyone want to spend another second with Ed?
Erica ("Plastic Princess"), 31 -- if we lived in this house, she'd be the most annoying. Since we only get a few sound bites, she's our favorite.
Lindzi ("Horse Girl"), 27 -- she only appeared a few times on this episode, and each of those times she was pressed against Kalon's butt chin.
Michael ("Puppy"), 28 -- the reason he hasn't found love is because he wants it too badly. You're only 28, get a grip!
Still working on nicknames for these contestants -- comment with your suggestions!
Nick, 27-- Ashley the dentist dumped him on the "Bachelorette" for being too reserved
Tony, 31 -- previously known as Woody, Emily dumped him early on after he cried about missing his kid.
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