I know, I know. Which character has a baby on the way? Well, we found out during tonight's outrageous season premiere.
But first, a quick reminder of what everyone has been up to this summer: Vanessa (who thankfully will not be back) stole Dan’s latest story on her way out of the city. Dan is in the Hamptons, trying to stay out of drama for a while. Serena has a job in L.A. working on the set of a movie. Nate and Chuck are off traveling the world. And Blair has finally let Chuck go and is marrying Prince Louis.
Now to the good stuff.
Blair’s save the dates are going out, so we know at least two people won’t be happy. Sure enough, Dan shrugs it off with his typical angsty scowl when Rufus hands him the envelope. But he obviously has bigger problems to worry about when writer Jeremiah Harris shows up. He tells Dan about this new story he read that reminds him of Dan's writing… Okay, we see where this is going. But am I the only one who remembers that Dan completely blew an internship with Harris back in Season 2? Since when are they best buds?
Meanwhile Nate hides the envelope from Chuck, who has apparently turned into Jim Carrey from "Yes Man” over the summer. From the mouth of the brooding Bass himself: “I’ll try anything once, even happiness.” In just one hour he says yes to visiting Serena on set, yes to jumping off a building, and yes to a reckless motorcycle ride that leaves some major road rash. Knowing "Gossip Girl" that means a new love interest is on the way. Think about it—there was Blair when his father died, Eva when he was shot in Prague, and Raina when Blair left him for good. This new girl is going to have some serious baggage to deal with.
In New York, the wedding plans aren’t going smoothly … not that Blair’s excessive pouting is helping much. Blair’s options: be mature and handle the situation like a true royal, or do something stupid. Easy decision. Blair calls a cab and goes to Brooklyn, where she tells Dan that she wants to call off her engagement. And of course, Louis walks in at that moment. Turns out that Dan’s story is about Blair, and Louis was trying to help prevent it from being published. But even though Dan kindly points out that Louis has been standing up for her all along, Blair just rants about how Dan is selfish and almost let her walk away from everything. I’m going to take a wild guess here, but I think that may be because she didn’t really ask for anyone’s opinion. Or stop whining, for that matter.
Back in L.A., Serena has a huge list of things to do before, you guessed it, a party. Every good Gossip Girl episode has a party. Actually, every episode has a party.
Nate joins her for the day and admits that he wants to re-invent himself and discover who he is. This will probably involve hooking up with someone new … cut to Nate being dragged off by a mysterious older woman. Good call. Serena also manages to get herself involved in a drug scandal. Oh “Gossip Girl,” you can be more original than that.
Last season alone we had an episode where Serena helped do a drug deal when Damien blackmailed her family. And who can forget Juliet and the fake picture of Serena doing coke? So somehow, this is not surprising. But as usual, she doesn’t get fired and, in fact, is offered a job after filming is over. Which shouldn’t be a surprise either, since Serena gets everything she wants. Always.
Now for the moment we’ve all been waiting for. Eleanor confronts Blair about the copy of "What to Expect When You're Expecting" that she found hidden in the pantry, and the future royal is looking pretty guilty. But then Doroda interrupts and reveals that baby number two is on the way. Uggghh. Disappointing, “Gossip Girl.” At this point we expect better scandals than that.
So with Blair-esque pouts on our faces, we watch as all the characters accept that life is changing. And with all the wedding drama sorted out, Blair finally gets fitted for her dress. As the episode ends a bubbly seamstress asks, “How far along are you?"
MORE HIGHLIGHTS FROM “YES, THEN ZERO.”
AN UNECCESSARY NEW LOCATION: Los Angeles? Really? As if we don’t have enough drama already in the Upper East Side. I guess the “GG” crew is getting bored.
DUMB QUOTE: “I’ve gone from it girl to working girl!” I think we can all guess who said that one. Please Serena, as if you know what a real job is like.
BAD FASHION DECISION: This easily goes to Chuck’s leather jacket and scarf. Isn’t he supposed to be in L.A.? And isn’t it summer?
MOST CLEAVAGE: Serena was surprisingly modest in this episode, so we’re going to have to go with Elizabeth Hurley’s character, Diana Payne. Nate had no chance against her cheetah-print dress. Neither did a bra.
GUESS WHO’S BACK: Con-artist Charlie/Ivy is joining Serena in L.A., this time with a boyfriend in tow to help with scheming. How long do you think it will take her to get banished Little J/Juliet/Vanessa-style?