"This is wrong, all wrong. Murder. All rot and black. This will not be forgiven," muses Misty Day in the opening sequence of this episode of "American Horror Story: Coven."
"Boy Parts" deals with themes of life, death and the longing deep within all of us to feel as though we're not alone; it did so, of course, in the campy, schlocky way that "American Horror Story" deals with everything.
It seems that Misty, back from the dead after being burned at the stake last week, has something of a soft spot for gators -- she brings one back to life and has it drag its killers into a Louisiana swamp for lunch. This is our first real introduction to the Misty character, whose entrance music is Stevie Nicks' "Edge of Seventeen." The song was played on this side of the fourth wall, but I had fun pretending that the last thing the gator killers heard was that song.
At witch school, Madison, tender soul that she is, apologizes for killing Zoe's boyfriend of 12 minutes in the bus-flipping incident. "Look, for the sake of peace among roommates, I'm sorry I killed your boy candy, OK?" she solemnly offers. Aw. Down the hall, Fiona struggles to hide the fact that she has Delphine held captive.
The morning group meeting at the school is interrupted by a visit from the police, who want to question Zoe and Madison in connection with the bus flip. Zoe spills the whole truth, which requires some quick work from Fiona. She spits in some water and has the police drink it, which wipes their memories. She then orders them to turn over any information they have on the girls, which they do
Fiona reads Zoe and Madison the riot act. She tells them they need to close ranks when interlopers come snooping around, and that the only thing that they should fear is her. I'm afraid of her.
As a way to thank Zoe for killing the frat boy that raped her, Madison takes her to the morgue to resurrect her boyfriend, Kyle. Thankfully, like "Dexter's" Miami, "Coven's" New Orleans is a city without alarm systems; it only takes picking a simple lock to break into the morgue.
Once inside, in the middle of a collection of dead bodies, Madison has a suggestion: "We take the best boy parts, we attach them to Kyle's head, and we build the perfect boyfriend." Like Build-A-Bear? This show is insane.
Right after that wildly improbable scene in the morgue, we are transported to Cordelia's doctor's office, where we learn that she has a husband named Hank, and that they have been trying to have a baby. Cordelia refuses to use magic to help things along, because she doesn't want to fool around with matters of life and death the way that her mother does. She will change her mind a bit later, as she and Hank have some magic sex that involves fire, snake eggs and black powder. I'd like to keep writing these recaps for a while, so I'll ask you to go ahead and write your own jokes in this instance.
"I imagine you're a bit peckish after spending 180 years buried in a hole," Fiona says to Delphine; in the next scene, she offers her some fried chicken. We get some more of Delphine's back story here. Back in 1834, Marie killed Delphine's family in retaliation for cutting out her boyfriend's pancreas and turning him into a minotaur. It seems only fair, really.
"Did we just marry the devil? 'Cause I don't know if I'm down with that," says Zoe, as she and Madison cast their resurrection spell in the morgue. They slice and sew together Kyle's boy parts and chant, but the old Hulk Hogan arm-raise reveals that their spell hasn't worked yet. It isn't until Zoe seals it with a kiss that Kyle lurches back to life.
Fiona pays Marie a visit. It seems that Marie has reinvented herself as a salon owner in this lifetime. They engage in some verbal sparring, which gives Angela Bassett and Jessica Lange a welcome opportunity to show off their acting chops. Fiona is prepared to offer Delphine to Marie, in exchange for the secret to her immortality. She leaves without a deal, which works out for her, because back at the school, Nan has set Delphine free.
"Mother Nature has an answer for everything. Healed me when I was burned alive," says Misty, as she pastes Kyle together with alligator dung and moss. As Zoe tries to spirit Kyle away from the morgue in a stolen car, Misty appears in the back seat and decides to provide Zoe with a bit of guidance. Zoe's magic guided her to the morgue, Misty says, so she takes Kyle and Zoe back to her swamp.
She plays some Fleetwood Mac for Zoe and gives her a Stevie Nicks history lesson. Misty is glad to meet another witch; she doesn't feel alone any more. Zoe has to get back to the school, but Misty offers to let Kyle stay with her. She promises that she will heal him, which hopefully for that poor guy means he'll be able to speak again at some point, and he won't spend the rest of the season grunting.
As it turns out, Delphine doesn't go far once she is freed -- she goes back to her old house and is appalled that it has been turned into a historic landmark. Fiona catches up with her there. They shoot the bull for a while, as Delphine bemoans the loss of her daughters, even the one who "had the face of a damn hippo." She loved them in her own way, she says.
"Maybe it's better," Fiona says of Delphine's daughters' deaths. "At least in death you can't disappoint the ones you love." They walk off together, understanding each other a little better. but make no mistake, Fiona holds all the power here.
Fiona needs Delphine to get Marie to give her the secret to immortality. Marie and her minotaur lover, who we learn is also still alive, will want to settle their old score with Delphine.
It's going to be wild.Copyright © 2015, The Baltimore Sun