'The Women Tell All'

'The Women Tell All' (Rick Rowell / ABC)

Are you ready to meet "The most memorable women from the most controversial season of 'The Bachelor'?" If so, then you should find the women from someone else's season because all we have here are Juan Pablo's unmemorable girls. Juan Pablo brought all the controversy himself by going on a reality show to find a wife when he wasn't at all interested in finding a wife. Before we let the dejected women rip Juan Pablo to shreds, Chris Harrison reminds us that love can in fact be found on "The Bachelor," and newly married Sean and Catherine take the stage.

Sean and Catherine are the first to sit in the hot seat and Chris compliments Catherine's "grown sexy" Demi Lovato haircut. Catherine now has bangs which she will regret by next week. Now that pleasantries are out of the way, Chris asks the question that is on none of our minds: "How was the wedding night?" Some things are better left in the honeymoon suite, but Sean wants everyone to know that despite the "born again virgin" thing, he is an amazing lover! He goes on to say that the wedding night was great and there were fireworks! Catherine, on the other hand, wants everyone to know that Sean's fireworks were "quick." Nice way to emasculate your new husband Catherine. (By the way - they make a pill for that now. I believe it's blue and starts with a "V"). Catherine then makes things worse by patting Sean's leg and saying "He toots his own horn so I have to keep him in place." I'm not sure what that means, nor do I want to know anything about Sean's horn. Everyone is uncomfortable except for Catherine, so Chris sends Sean a lifeline and says "Welcome to the club buddy, don't worry, you got 50, 60 years to get it right." Sean tries to recover his manhood by squeaking out "We're good." Someone should have told Catherine that "The Women Tell All" episode does not mean she needs to tell all about her wedding night romp. Hopefully we have heard the last of Sean and Catherine's sex life.

"So what else did you do on your honeymoon?" (Please, please, please talk about something other than sex). Sean says that they had fun and swam with the stingrays, which was a really nice non-sex story until Sean unnecessarily informs us that one latched onto his "man parts." Thanks for the visual Sean, but seriously, we have heard enough about your penis.

Next up is a shameless plug for a new Muppets movie. Chris Harrison has to do something to earn his paycheck this season, so he interviews Kermit and Miss Piggy about their upcoming nuptials. He doesn't ask them about their sex life. PHEW. As if this isn't strange enough, Juan Pablo joins in the conversation. I hope that Kermie keeps a close eye on Miss Piggy or Juan Pablo will take her to the ocean.

Finally, Chris introduces the 17 ladies who have decided to attend the Juan Pablo massacre, including Andi, Sharleen, Renee, Lucy the Free Spirit, Kelly the Dog Lover, Kat, Cassandra, Chelsie, and a few others who I have never seen before. Even Molly the dog is in attendance, and everyone is pleased to see that Molly has not died from a herpes infection from swimming in the mansion pool. In fact, according to Kelly, Molly didn't like Juan Pablo from the start, and that makes Molly the smartest girl in the house. The ladies all look happy, relaxed and tan.  

Chris starts the conversation with "Some love him, some don't" and asking the ladies "What did you like about Juan Pablo?"  The consensus is that he is hot and has an accent. Sadly, once the girls got to know him, both of those traits disappeared, leaving nothing but a shallow, self-centered dimwit with an annoying accent. Andi confirms this and says "At the end of the day, looks can fade and you need more than that." The girls chime in that the questions he asked them were "surface level" and that he really wasn't interested in getting to know them. Duh. Lauren S. says their conversations were superficial and he wasn't interested in getting to know her. That's because he wasn't interested in getting to know you, Lauren.

Cassandra said that when they were together all they talked about were their kids, but that wasn't enough for her, and she was looking for something more. Renee, on the other hand, said she had a great experience talking about their kids. Lauren S. thinks she is entitled to speak again and calls out that Juan Pablo wasn't genuine. Kelly quickly reminds Lauren S. that she was very into Juan Pablo until the night she begged for a kiss and didn't get one, but rather got sent home crying and embarrassed. Sounds like a case of sour grapes to me.

Andi sums it all up by saying that they wanted different things, which is another way of saying that he wasn't there for "the right reason" -- He was looking for someone to date and have fun with (a girlfriend), and the women were looking for a husband. Although Andi seems to think that not looking for a wife is one of Juan Pablo's many flaws, maybe, just maybe, Juan Pablo had the right idea in finding someone he can date after eight weeks, as opposed to the crazy women on this show who think they should marry a guy after a few dips in a hot tub. Hmmmm. Maybe Juan Pablo is not as "estupido" as we all think he is, although I highly doubt that.

Ah, Besitos, Besitos, Besitos. So many besitos, so many excuses for not giving besitos. Kat is sporting an orangey oompa loompa tan and has a lot to say. She complains that Juan Pablo proclaimed that he was trying to be fair, when in fact he kept changing the rules as he went along. Oh, so you picked up on that too, Kat? Uh, Kat, maybe he just wasn't that into you.

Renee admits that she and Cassandra were treated differently because they are single moms. Kat is mad that the moms were considered his "special ones."  She says (again) that the rules kept changing and it wasn't fair. Chris tries to come to Juan Pablo's defense, and says that perhaps Juan Pablo was fighting with two different sides of himself and that he was confused. There is no confusion Chris; we all know which one of Juan Pablo's sides did all the thinking.

Next, Kelly calls Juan Pablo out on using Camila as an excuse for kissing or not kissing the girls. Chris Harrison jumps in and tells Kelly to be careful when playing the kid card. Kelly's comeback? "He didn't say Camila when he was in the ocean." Oh SNAP!

Speaking of Clare, Chris introduces the elephant in the room, and brings up Clare and Juan Pablo's 4 a.m. tryst in the ocean. Sharleen thinks he had a case of "buyer's remorse" (like Clare was a car he was test driving) and the other women agree that Juan Pablo had a lot of nerve blaming the whole thing on Clare. It was nice to see that the ladies didn't throw Clare under the hot tub for sneaking out in the first place. In fact, Andi commends Clare on seizing an opportunity. I find that odd.

Sharleen

First in the hot seat is Sharleen, who according to Chris is "the most intriguing person we ever had on the show." Intriguing is Chris Harrison code for: "What the hell is a girl like you doing on a show like this?" As always, Sharleen looks elegant and classy which only reaffirms my belief that she ended up on the show because she got in the wrong limo at the airport on night one.

We watch her journey, relive their bad kisses, and even Sharleen has to cover her eyes in embarrassment. Chris questions why she left and she responds "I knew he wasn't for me" because although "we had chemistry...we didn't get each other completely."  Chris questions the missing "cerebral connection," which basically means he wasn't smart enough for her. Sharleen wishes she were dumber, and I am praying that none of my daughters is watching a bright articulate woman say she wishes she was dumb so she can win a man. She chalks up her inability to lower herself intellectually to not being able to turn off her brain and that she thinks too much. The whole "I'm so smart" thing is an insult to women everywhere.

Given their great chemistry, Sharleen defends Juan Pablo by saying she found him very curious about her lifestyle and tells Chris that he asked her lots of questions about herself and wanted to know about her and her experiences. That's because Sharleen has MUNDO and brains and the other girls have fake tans and kids. Sharleen says she is surprised to find out that she was his top choice all along. The other girls, not so surprised.

Sharleen does not regret leaving and has respect for Juan Pablo. Snort and eye roll. Despite their magnetic draw, she promises to control herself when he walks out on stage and I certainly hopes she means it because I can't bear to watch them make out again.

Renee

Next up in the hot seat is Renee who calls Juan Pablo "sweet and romantic." She has clearly forgotten that this is the guy who wouldn't kiss her because she has a son, but played tonsil hockey with Cassandra who has a son. Although not as cerebral as Sharleen, Renee is smart enough to know that Juan Pablo was saying "no besitos for you" and making out with Clare 20 minutes later. Still, she has no regrets other than not telling him "I love you" sooner, which she admits wouldn't have made a difference because truth be told, he just wasn't that into her.