Sometimes I wish I didn't know anything about football.
Because if I didn't, I might have enjoyed Sunday's two-point disaster against Detroit. I might even be smiling now, just like the bartender who served me and my friends during the game.
For instance, when Jay Cutler and Brandon Marshall hooked up on the opening drive for three straight completions capped by a 32-yard pass and a 7-0 lead, the chipper bartender said, "We got a goal! Uh, a touchdown!" And then she laughed and said, "I don't watch a lot of sports."
And in the second quarter, after Michael Bush was stuffed on a pivotal fourth-and-1 with the Bears in field goal range, she made an "aw shucks" face and said, "Boy, he didn't get far enough, did he?"
And in the fourth quarter, after Alshon Jeffery's touchdown was reversed and a Robbie Gould field goal made it 14-13 Lions, she looked cheerfully at the score and announced, "The Bears are losing by only one point. That's pretty good!"
And later in the fourth, after the Bears failed to convert a game-tying two-point conversion and lined up for an onside kick, she asked, "How can we score just two points?"
"We can't," I said. "We need to get this onside kick, and then we need a field goal, which is three points."
"That's exactly what we need!" she exclaimed.
Then Gould's onside attempt bounced into the arms of Detroit's Joique Bell, and she snapped her fingers and said, "That went right to the blue guy," and continued taking drink orders.
She was still smiling, of course, because she didn't know that losing to the Lions is like losing a 40-yard-dash to your 8-year-old nephew because you politely gave him a two-second head start and then accidentally tripped on your shoelaces. And she definitely didn't know the Bears did that twice this year. Or that they are now 5-4 and basically two games behind first-place Detroit.
"I hope you all had fun!" she said as we left.
Ignorance is bliss.
Jack M Silverstein is a RedEye special contributor.
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