Despite Brandon Marshall's super-strong best-friend hopes for Jay Cutler's recovery, the quarterback will miss Monday's tilt at Lambeau. He'll miss the next week against Detroit, too, and the Bears' playoff hopes will be all but over because of tiebreakers.
That leaves a whole lot of football to be played for a whole lot of nothin'. You're gonna need assistance getting through the rest of the season. Let us help with your trash talkin'.
For Monday vs. Packers
Packers fans know they've had our number recently, so it's not an easy task to take down Titletown. Hit 'em where it hurts: bring up their 2011 season. Aaron Rodgers had 45 TDs with only six picks! The MVP! Get ready for another Lombardi, people! Then the Pack dropped a 37-20 stinkbomb at home against the N.Y. Giants. Doesn't get the same pub as New England's 18-1 season, but trust me: Packers fans STILL hate that they lost that game.
For Nov. 10 vs. Detroit
Detroit taunts used to be easy. Make fun of the terrible team, toss in a crumbling economy reference, something "RoboCop," boom roasted. Now that Chicago's looking up at the Lions in the standings and "RoboCop" is 25 years old, you've got to resort to dirty pool. Deadpan to your Lions fan "Too bad about Megatron, man, he's a special talent." They'll freak out and assume awesome-but-fragile Calvin Johnson's injured again and frantically thumb their phone looking for injury info. (This will work every single week, actually.)
For Nov. 24 vs. St. Louis
There aren't many St. Louis Rams fans, but if you find one there's a 100 percent chance they're also a Cardinals baseball fan. Wear a cardboard cutout mask of Boston slugger David Ortiz. Say nothing. You won't have to.
For Dec. 1 vs. Minnesota
Congratulate that Vikings fan on signing Tim Tebow. Strike that; they may love this idea and hug you. Tightly.
For Dec. 9 vs. Dallas
Cutler and Lance Briggs should both be back by this game. There's only one great way to rankle a Dallas fan: super-loud, super-obnoxious hoots of "HOW. BOUT. DEM. COWBOYS?!" every time the Bears score. You may get punched. It will be worth it.
For Dec. 29 vs. Green Bay
This game will be meaningless for the Packers, who will have clinched the NFC North by then. Since the Bears may pick up a cheap win, TREAT IT LIKE THE SUPER BOWL.
RedEye special contributor Alex Quigley can be heard on WGN Radio 720. @alexquigley
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