Here's to you, Brent Kowalkoski, the self-entitled idiot in Old Navy cargo shorts who thought Monday night would be an opportune time to rush the mound at Wrigley and confront pitcher Bob Howry after Howry gave up a ninth-inning three-run home run to the Rockies' Troy Tulowitzki.
At least William Ligue, the shirtless mulleted Sox fan who attacked Royals first-base coach Tom Gamboa at U.S. Cellular Field back in 2002, had the boozy sense to go after a member of the opposition, albeit a geriatric one.
Kowalkoski goes after the home team and received a clothesline courtesy of Wrigley security and a night in the drunk tank for his efforts.
However sweet the tackle Wrigley security guard Anton Migursky administered, I'm sure it paled in comparison to what Howry would've done had the guy reached the mound.
According to Howry, Kowalkoski asked him "What are you doing?" Howry didn't have time to answer before security pounced. But his likely response wouldn't been, "Preparing to beat the life out of you."
OK, that's old news. Just thought the more ridicule this guy receives, the better.
The Cubs have won five straight and go for a sweep of the Rockies today. Jacque Jones still is a member of the Cubs. According to the Tribune's Paul Sullivan in the new baseball blog, money is an issue with unloading Jones--mainly takers don't want to pay much of his 2008 $7 million salary.
Today's Cubicle on this hot and muggy June afternoon is brought to you by Gold Bond Medicated Powder.
Zambrano starts center-fielder Cory Sullivan off with a fastball and eventually strikes him out on three pitches. Kaz Matsui lifts a flyball down the left-field line and Soriano dances around the bullpen mound and catches it in foul ground. Matt Holliday, neck and neck with Derrek Lee in the NL batting race, draws a walk. Zambrano walks Todd Helton, too. Zambrano doesn't like the strike zone and neither does first base coach Matt Sinatro, who was shown yelling from the dugout. Garrett Atkins pops up but not before a few more close calls don't go Zambrano's way. Dan Iassogna's strike zone is very small so far.
Alfonso Soriano flies out to left. Mike Fontenot pops up to short and Tulowitzki loses it in the sun. The ball falls to the ground untouched. Things are going well for Fontenot, who then takes second on a wild pitch. Lee walks and someone brings Tulowitzki some sunglasses. Bob Brenly likens that to shutting the barn door after the horses have bolted. Cliff Floyd flies out. Angel Pagan bounces back to the pitcher, so all that stuff with the two baserunners goes for naught (nought?).
Soriano makes a long run in and towards the line to grab Brad Hawpe's bloop. And if you've ever had your bloop grabbed you know how painful that can be. Zambrano strikes out Tulowitzki. Yorvit Torrealba strikes out, too. (In case you're keeping score in the office, common spelling on all these names.)
And where does "celebrity" factor into to these Stepford-waving Walgreen's Celebrity Batkids? Mark DeRosa doubles over Cory Sullivan's head in center. Sullivan couldn't be bothered with going back on that one. "Oh, what the heck. I'll just play it off the wall." Hill pops out to short. And, yes, I am clipping and pasting all these names. Hirsh whips another one to the backstop and DeRosa takes third. Way outside. The infield comes in and Ryan Theriot fouls one off. Theriot dumps a single into center, knocking in DeRosa with the first run. Zambrano takes a rip that would make Reggie Jackson proud. He missed it. Zambrano strikes out. With Soriano up, Theriot steals second. Soriano dumps one down the right-field line.... foul. Soriano strikes out.
Cubs 1, Rockies 0
Oh, just great, Jared Fogle is in the booth. And honestly, looks like he could stand to drop a few. Hirsh, the pitcher rips one down the line, and DeRosa, the third baseman, makes a nice back-handed play of the liner. Sullivan singles to left. Jared yammers on about something before Len shows him the door. Wait, he's still there and he's holding up giant pair of his old pants he must've bought at the camping store. They're a size 60 and he claims his waist is now a 34. Sure thing. Matsui was retired somehow. Not sure, I was too worried about Jared. Holliday grounds out.
What's slow? The game updates or the board updates? I'm getting the game updates as fast as they happen--well kinda. The board is another matter since I'm running that, too. A monitor will be here shortly. Fontenot pops one to short center and Sullivan has to run a mile and makes a diving catch. Lee walks. Floyd walks and the Cubs have two on for Pagan. Pagan works the count full and then takes a curve for a called third strike. He jabbers with Iassogna as he walks back to the dugout. Someone is going to get tossed today. DeRosa rips a three-run homer to left field. Shirtless guy who caught it kinda looks like the Hoff. Maybe he'll celebrate by lying down and enjoying a burger. Koyie Hill walks. Hirsh can't be long for this one, folks. Rockies pitching coach comes out there. Theriot flies out to right.
Cubs 4, Rockies 0
OK, it's not bad enought that I typed "Ryan Theroit" at the end of that inning, but when I went to correct it, I mis-typed it again -- twice. I feel a bit like Troy Tulowitzki in the sun today. Zambrano gets Helton to ground out. Atkins strikes out looking. Hawpe strikes out swinging. And that's six strikeouts for Zambrano.
Hey, music fans, the Goo Goo Dolls will be at Charter One Pavilion at Northerly Island ... wait no fans of music like the Goo Goo Dolls. Zambrano grounds out to second. Brenly thinks Soriano hurt his left hand or wrist somehow. He's flexing his hand and working his wrist between pitches. He grounds out to short. Fontenot cranks a solo home run that nearly lands on Sheffield, if it weren't for the renovated Bud Light Bleachers. Lee pops one to the right side of the infield and Matsui drops it. No clue. OK, I've been to Colorado and Coors Field and you know what? It's really sunny. So Matsui has two brutal errors this series. Of course that one wasn't nearly as costly as the one in the ninth on Monday. Floyd flies out to center and more Goo Goo Dolls as we go to commercial.
Cubs 5, Rockies 0
Oh, it's the High Life ads that are slowing things down? Um, not sure I can say anything about those. Hey, did you know it's the Champagne of Beers? (Miller advertising department: Forward any cold beer to the fourth floor of Tribune Tower. Like right now.) DeRosa makes a nice bare-handed play on a Tulowitzki chopper for the first out. Theriot makes a nice play going to his left but his throw is a bit high and Torrealba is safe with an infield single. Hirsh, whom I said wasn't long for this game, oh, about an hour ago, bounces into a 1-6-3, inning-ending double play.
Pagan pops one up into shallow center and Tulowitzki, wearing his sun glasses, makes the catch. DeRosa hits a shot right at Tulowitzki, who knocks it down and has plenty of time to recover and make the throw. Hill strikes out.
Cubs 5, Rockies 0
Overheard on commercial break: "The New York Times says 'The Greg Behrendt Show' works." It did? Sullivan drags a bunt down the first-base line and Zambrano can't come up with it. He tried the ol' flip it with the glove but ended up rolling it to first. Matsui flies out to Soriano. Holliday singles to right. Sullivan stops at second. No, he didn't. Sullivan took third on the hit. This goes for any channel that uses that little baserunner graphic, get it straight. Zambrano walks Helton to load the bases with one out. Pitching coach Larry Rothschild comes out to say something that Zambrano probably ignores. Atkins strikes out swinging. Zambrano goes 2-2 to Hawpe and everyone gets to their feet. They let out a collective 'Oooooh' as the pitch misses inside. Hawpe dumps the full-count offering into right for a two-run single. Runners on the corners for the immortal Troy Tulowitzki and he strikes out.
Cubs 5, Rockies 2
New guy Billy Petrick is up in the pen and will pitch the top of the seventh. Jacque Jones is up in the on-deck circle and he's not wearing a Marlins uniform. Theriot grounds out and here's Jones. He grounds out to first. Nice tribute to Jones and his Cubs career here. Soriano falls behind 0-2 and flies out to center and now we move to the seventh.
No, I mean new guy Billy Petrick will pitch the top of the seventh. He plays for the Cubs. The 23-year-old right-hander makes his major league debut and will face Torrealba. Torrealba grounds out to second. Former Astro Willy Taveras will pinch hit for the pitcher Hirsh. Petrick's a big guy, 6-6, I believe, and can bring it--mid to high 90s. He strikes out Taveras looking. OK, he's 6-5. Anyway, he strikes out Sullivan swinging and George Thorogood will sing TMOTTBG.
Thorogood gives a nice, enthusiastic rendition and appears pretty lucid. Fontenot goes the other way with a double to left off new Rockies pitcher Jeremy Affeldt, a lefty. Lee moves Fontenot to third with a grounder to Helton at first. Floyd walks and Felix Pie will run for him. Thorogood likes his baseball. He seriously just said, "I'm a big Rene Lachemann fan." Pagan drives one to the left-center, but Sullivan is there. Fontenot tags and scores. DeRosa grounds into a fielder's choice to end the inning.
Cubs 6, Rockies 2
Petrick remains. Pagan moves to right and Pie will play center. Lefty Will Ohman is throwing in the pen. Matsui walks and I guess the rain is on the way. Let's get the rest of this game in. Holliday flies out to Pie. Helton hits one the other way but Soriano gets a nice jump on it and makes the catch. The flags atop the scoreboard are really flapping now. Atkins lines a two-run homer to left that got out in about two seconds. That's it for Petrick. He gets a nice hand but no doubt wishes he had that pitch to Atkins back. Commercials. And enter Ohman. Hawpe hits the first pitch right to Lee, who steps on first. And we go right back to commercials.
Cubs 6, Rockies 4
The rain is heading right for Wrigley. You can see it in the western sky from the first-base dugout camera angle. Hill leads off the bottom of the eighth. Manuel Corpas is the Rockies' pitcher and he strikes out Hill. Theriot lines out to Matsui. Daryle Ward bats in the ninth spot and strikes out swinging. We move to the ninth, where Carlos Marmol will try to save this one.
Cubs 6, Rockies 4
Here's my guy Tulowitzki to lead off the ninth against Marmol. Marmol freezes Tulowitzki with a slider for strike three. Torrealba takes a fastball on the outside corner for strike three. Ryan Spilborghs pinch hits and quickly falls behind 1-2. Marmol doesn't mess around out there. Spilborghs grounds out to second to end the game.
Final: Cubs 6, Rockies 4
The Cubs win their sixth straight and finish off their second consecutive series sweep. It can rain now.